If I could be any animal I'd be a human but a really good one.

I have to assume Big Bird does a lot of loud shrieking at dawn.

I hate how it’s the future but the only thing I use lasers for is to play with cats.

”Join us” whisper the dots.

I might have narcissistic imposter syndrome. ‘Cause honestly, I’m smashing it as an imposter.

Hang on- these ‘Triple X buns’ are just hot cross buns turned 45 degrees.

You’d think taking a bird on an airplane would teach it some humility but no.

I’m trying to swear less so instead of calling people “cunt” I ask where I can hear their podcast.

Jump in puddles. Tomorrow that water will be a cloud but now’s your chance to kick it while it’s down.

Is it just me who finds kids’ cakes creepy? You love the little mermaid! Now cut Ariel up and eat her. No wonder our kids all grow up to be cannibals.

People get so upset over words. I don't even like to say the word "word". I've been calling it the w-word but that doesn't really solve the problem.

I don’t even know how you can call it a balloon. It’s like 99% not balloon.

Victor Frankenstein sews a bunch of body parts into a monster, brings it to life with electricity. That monster’s name is Frankenstein. I mean, what’s the option? A really long hyphenated surname from all the graves Victor robbed?

When baseball was invented we were probably fighting enemies with tiny heads.

I hate how we call animal organs "offal" like we were expecting them to be good.

yeah, I would be really brave except none of my outfits go with medals.

It's weird that our money only works here, right? Like... it’s money- It can get you pretty much anything but its one weakness is the ocean.

If life gives you scurvy, that's kind of on you.

a gold rush town, in the days before nuggets were chicken

Met a pro surfer. Now I'm pro-shark.

If I was a tree I’d be pretty shitty at stick insects. Get your own morphology.

Carrots. Real pretty shade of orange for something that was planning to spend its life underground. You knew you were coming up.

“Everything happens for a reason,” I explain as a small horse gives you a haircut

The hottest food we know of? It's called 'chili'. Fuck you, somebody.

Brownies taste great, especially considering their big selling point is that they're brown.

You look worse and worse as you get older but cheer up- everyone looks cool when they’re a skeleton.