absolutely gagged to learn that martha’s vineyard has nothing to do with martha stewart

the fact that there are people out there rn watching nate ruess perform who aren’t me is………..

*walking into the dispensary* please give me your most dastardly indica

also it’s really annoying to not be able to cry when you wanna

if i don’t get my weekend this weekend i Will crash out i just need it to be said

Me consoling George Washington as we both burn in hell

my fav thing about when the rapture is trending is getting to flex my evangelical pastor’s kid knowledge and getting lots of attention

you know what i think the rapture should happen on tuesday. in fact, please

just had a customer walk out bc we don’t sell mdma

always someone doing yard work on the weekend what a boring personality trait to have. yard work guy

i think me and my staff were cursed by an etsy witch

honestly that guy did charlie kirk’s kids a favor, imagine growing up with a father who has publicly said he’d make you carry a rape baby to term at the age of 10

to be annoying, this full moon has hands

going on hour four of my shop being closed bc the internet is out but no, we still can’t go home

today was such a hot pile of steaming ass. STEaming

people not being as hyper communicative as i am is going to be my downfall

this girl cut me off in her lexus and then did a little dance in the front seat when i honked at her and i just want one of these kids to actually fuck up one day so i can get a nice check

my assistant manager is mad at me for making him assistant manage so now i’m running around doing his job for him bc i am afraid of men who are mad at me, ain’t that just the way!

one of my staff called out this morning and i was kind of cunty derogatory about it and now i’m like riding a high

“why do hotel rooms still have bibles” i wonder, as though the country isn’t in the middle of a christian nationalist uprising

why do blue collar men shit so much and for so long

fav part of managing a dispensary so far is cleaning my bong in the bathroom while it’s extremely busy downstairs and no one getting mad at me for it, in fact they wanna know why i’m still here

do you ever think about what if things weren’t so shitty

tuesday?? more like TWOSday bc it will not fucking end and has been two days long (tues sounds like twos)

i have Got to get cornier

i think i’m having my one good mental health week that my pmdd will allow so please if you need anything, time is of the essence

gonna start sending this instead of telling people i’m on my way

instead of having a song stuck in my head my brain is alternating between saying “globules” and “golgi body”

They Shrank String Cheese

i want every boy with long hair to learn about leave in

i have to work 13 hours tomorrow, pray for anyone who has the misfortune of interacting with me

me obsessively watching empty camera footage of my work in the middle of the night bc the alarm was triggered and maybe i accidentally lied to the alarm company and we are getting robbed and i just missed it

wednesday??? WEDNESDay?(???

weaponized incompetence is bad unless it’s me doing it to a man

the tesla logo looks like a uterus

i’d be happy being fat if i could get my sweat glands removed

well gays it was a good 10 years

referring to your children as crotch goblins is ….. a choice

unforch i’ve discovered the height of luxury as far as beds are concerned and i will never be the same

if i had a dollar for every time i got mean mugged for cheering at a death cab show i would have two dollars which is two too many

me: i’m gonna leave early today as a little treat :) coworker: sorry i just got my left leg surprise amputated and i just remembered that my mom died last night also my house is on fire i can’t make it in :/

the day sure does drag on when you gotta fire someone for the first time at 5!

remember when bands used to tour in oregon

almost passed out during a tattoo, now everyone knows i’m a pussy

why do planes have a cloaca

wearing a tank top and i feel like a whore

three hours early to the airport bc i couldn’t stop thinking about ending up on a no fly list bc i don’t have a real ID

taking my first week off since i got promoted and i feel like i’m in trouble

one of my college roommates had a kid (the one who accidentally trapped and washed the ferret in the dishwasher)

had two coffees today like i’m 18 and not readjusting to wellbutrin and i am viiiibraaatttiinngggg