Frost Nova on death is a true bitch made maneuver

Just learned one of my girls is taking me to peaches tomorrow and I'm pretty hype

I want you to be thinking about the hit cartoon Rocket Power while I bare my soul and most delicate vulnerabilities to you. I want you to cry at Taco Bell commercials. Get real fuckin emotionally dumb with it

Everybody in the dating apps are like "I need emotional intelligence" but I'm different. I want you to be emotionally stupid. Hmu ladies

Just had one of my girls over. We laid in bed in each other's arms and listened to beautiful wistful music and cried a bit. Better than sex.

I thought this was funny 🤷

You did it Elon! You're number 1!

I should go back to See if she's still there Standing like a statue

Babe wake up new hasbara just dropped

A good brioche tastes like a piece of white bread that smoked a cigarette right before you ate it

Into the chipper, feet first

A glass can only spill what it contains.

The number of people who still believe in 2026 that you're supposed to shove an object into the mouth of a person having a seizure is astounding and frightening.

orchid flowers do a really good job of articulating their purpose in a language humans can understand

taking my subs out for their walkies again smdh it's the third time today😮‍💨

"there's no dignity in clip-clopping over my bridge either"

I'm here you fuckaas bitch

I'm not stopping until you block me fucking liberal brunch cunt

fucking stancilites want rainbow bulldozers ploughing homeless people's possessions into dumpsters. good luck voting for Newsom bro

I spent most of 2023 homeless in California. I've seen what "humane" sweeps look like. oh yeah "find them shelter!" shelters that won't let you in with your stuff, or if you're high, real cool. next time you could try shutting the fuck up

zohrans next cheery stomp clap whistle bluesky video will be filmed standing live on top of the heads of new York's homeless

every mewithoutyou song is like "oooh, I saw a lovely deer in the woods today, a crafty deer, a peaceful deer, JESUS CHRIST FOUGHT VISHNU AND VISHNU KICKED HIS ASS."

resisting the masculine intrusive thoughts of encouraging people to punch my boob and report how unbreastlike it feels💪

these will never not feel like a resident evil puzzle

8 months of T and running a shipment receiver line has some wonders for my body. almost 40 and this is the sexiest I've ever felt

Satan's been buying up all the real estate underneath the frozen lake because he needs a lower circle of hell

"he's got diabetes and stdees" over fucking heard

I don't mind trivia nights at bars, it means people talk quietly enough not to be heard outside of their table for extended periods of time

winemom lesbians phone cheating at trivia night I see you

"The human pet guy used ai to turn the tsar into temu Jonathan Frakes" is a sentence potent enough to blow a blood vessel in the mind of a full grown adult in 1993.

Put Every Motorist In Reeducation

Capitalism commoditized the idea of "individuality" and made it an object that must be purchased instead of an intrinsic value of being alive. Individuality means you buy a green sports car instead of a blue one.

The idea of beehives being used as western allegory for communism hilariously crumbles when researchers discovered that bees have friends and personalities and play with toys and take little naps throughout their day. They literally reap the benefits of their societies on an individual level.

Oh my god, they called it the ShamWow because that's how ugly Americans would pronounce chamois

I work for a retail company that just began sourcing its warehouse distribution pick lists and analytics to AI. One morning in shipment we got 100 size medium bright pink sweaters when we were already holding 15 units(about 3 weeks of stock) of that item.

Obama put kids in cages and bombed brown people to dust the world over, funneled money and weapons into Israel, ignored his promise to codify women's rights, and sold Mitt Romney's reaganite health care plan as an excuse for universal healthcare, but he did it ✨eloquently✨ and 🚫 not 🍊 orange😍😍😍

Seeing a number of people removing their content about the Nazi punching kid, did he request privacy or can I keep publicly celebrating him

"You're gonna get in trouble!" "Your terms are acceptable."

Nationalized buttplug distribution now, because nobody deserves to slip through the cracks.

All the speed skaters should make out

Why won't you understand that nobody's gonna vote for somebody who will gleefully hand them over to fascists?

Me, living by the sword: FUCK yes ahahaha that's right you idiots I've got a fuckin SWORD Me, dying by the sword: what the fuck? Help help, my petards, they hoist

The red line can eat my rectal polyps

Mother Superior, come catch the rabbit, he runs.

Guess who got a first date smooch

I hope every bowl of soup you eat for the rest of your life has a turd hidden in it

I'm having a really, really good first date guys

That's cool, but this would be even cooler, can we make these happen again?

They're calling HRT a "sex-rejecting procedure" now. I guess that means my wife gives me HRT every night!