Because it is wrong to kill merely for sport, I am using the vinegar from the fruit fly trap to make a tart, grainy salad dressing

What name do you always mispronounce in your head, no matter how many times you’ve Sean it?

I hired a personal trainer to help me with tummy time and learning how to roll over

Reading Virginia Woolf and i honestly cannot understand how anyone finds her scary

Not only is it easy, but taking candy from a baby is the right thing to do. Candy is not appropriate food for a baby

Of course all my eunuchs have extended health benefits. Why, don’t yours? * ** *** Follow me on IG: TheConsciousSultan

Any time I see someone on the tl talking sh*t about “scheming viziers” it’s like…. ok buddy, so does your satrapy just administrate itself?? lol

Eudaemonia It’s a riot it’s a riot oh

Eating various particles

Zum heutigen Welttag der Poesie ein Dialog zwischen Kund*in und Bibliothekar*in von Ernst Jandl.

I’m constantly on the lookout for situations to analyze

Everybody got that one homie who is a system of levers and pulleys

Launching a Gofundme because the doctor has diagnosed me with Elon Torso

Today I learned what the stock market is. Sounds to me like it’s just another crypto scam

The doctor measured my microplastics and she says they’re looking great

Once again I am being lambasted by my critics

The best day of the school year was when the janitor would go up on the roof at recess and throw down all the stuff kids had tossed up there. That’s how I came into possession of Walter Benjamin’s lost manuscript

Wondering what all these international women are up to on their day off. Seems suspicious

Every night my wife and I flip a coin to see who gets to sleep in the top bunk

Oh is there a sportsball on right now??

It’s named after the inventor of movies, Oscar Hollywood

Next up at the Westminster Dog Show we have the category for Most Racist Bark

Nothing on this Earth is more precious than an innocent newborn baby that has swallowed a giant diamond

Nobody publishes moldering tomes these days

Inner Circle actually recorded a follow-up to the Cops theme song in which the bad boys describe what they would do in the event anyone were to come for them

Having one of those days where it feels like my life is filmed in Vancouver

Chat I’m gakked on that Robitussin. That Robitussin got me staying home from school watching The Price is Right. Call me Dr. Mom way I’m zooted off that Robitussin. Chat I’m eating popsicles on the couch

Remember beanie babies? Most have grown up to become profoundly unhappy beanie adults

Having a mid-life epistemological crisis and subscribing to an ideology that’s way younger than me

When this happened I kept looking at my watch because I thought I was lucid dreaming

Calling up each of my friends on the phone and reading my latest post aloud to them just in case they missed it

It’s cool that they made this app into a tamagotchi that dies if you don’t practice ordering coffee in German with it

Finally landed my dream job ($90k/year plus benefits to flee in slow motion from an invisible threat while for some reason my teeth keep falling out)

I’m hearing Canada just won gold at the Stanley Cup

The next Bond movie will be titled "Time to Die Mister Bond, Handcrafted Artisanal Film Movie for Men – Perfecf Christmas Gift and Funny Realistic Spy Gag, Harmless Entertainment Prank for Kids and Adults, Realistic Vanilla Scent 7.9 Ounce Motion Picture (Pack of 1)"

Finally signed up for Facebook

The Cybertruck looks like if a PT Cruiser had a history of domestic abuse

Being born, aging, and dying is so cringe

I could handle laudanum

Welp, it’s happened again. I’m teething

As someone who values authenticity it really ticks me off when I’m subjected to a mock trial

Symbolically, the bone harkens back to a time when scavenging wolves would follow bands of human hunters in search of discarded carcasses, thus entering into a tacit, interspecies Faustian bargain that would eventually lead to their enslavement. It’s no wonder our dogs love these classic treats!

In response to allegations of officer misconduct Paw Patrol is conducting an internal investigation

The Gulf of 55 BURGERS, 55 FRIES, 55 TACOS, 55 PIES, 55 COKES, 100 TATER TOTS, 100 PIZZAS, 100 TENDERS, 100 MEATBALLS, 100 COFFEES, 55 WINGS, 55 SHAKES, 55 PANCAKES, 55 PASTAS, 55 PEPPERS AND 155 TATERS

I have tried hard and never won a cake walk, cake walks are challenging, they should not set the standard for easy tasks

Teaching my kids how to play pull tabs because it’s STEM

Oh, you’re an antinatalist? Name one person who’s never been born

Stanley Cup today

I realize what a long shot this is, but our kid threw their beloved teddy bear out of the shopping cart at the Target at Sunset and Western in Hollywood. Teddy is much missed if you happen to hear of a missing bear!