Today ended so much gentler than it began, and for that I thank home, dogs, martinis, and stupid comedies. Amen.

Getting through this day where I'm struggling by saying no to any future requests for my presence. If you need me, no you don't. Not today! Try again later!

This grief shit is not it. I kept it together while getting divorced before my first anniversary during my first year of teaching, and I can’t keep it together when a colleague asks how I’m doing now. It feels like it’s been so much longer than 11 weeks. Dumb.

This made me weepy

💛

I have an n=2, but just know if you have an only child, they’re probably going to aggressively love house pets.

This is who runs this account.

On a funnier note, did I tell you that, when we went through that giant box of photos two weeks ago, J collected all the pictures of me aggressively loving on animals “for reasons”? 🤣🤣 There were so many.

Barely holding on while my mom lambasts me with unfair guilt and meanness, my dad—who showed up for me—is dead, our dog is old and feeble, and the broader world is a dumpster fire. If it weren’t for my partner, my friends, and the fact that I’m usually well-adjusted, this would be a disaster.

@effingcandleco.bsky.social omg thank you so much. 🩷😭😭 It’s been a rough day in dad-grief-land, and this is the most special wonderful mood lifter I can imagine. You are the best.

I think we should go back to Victorian mourning dress standards. It'd be handy to have a visible marker of mourning on days (like today) when the feelings are a little too close to the surface. Did you know kids usually wore mourning dress for a year for a parent's death?

We are having this pasta for dinner because I am a child and it makes me happy

It’s so strange, this grief thing. It’s now random waves of heaviness that don’t seem to have an origin and then I’m like ohhhhhhhhh.

I took away the squeaker Frank liberated from his new toy, and I am now clearly persona non grata.

I just want to spend all my free time embroidering. It’s so lovely and calming. Damned be adult life with its chores and obligations

Won $6. High rolllllller

Playing $10 of Keno in a bar on a Saturday afternoon to revisit my late 20s.

Listen. I’m an English major and I refuse to ever read or watch The Odyssey again. Miss me with that new movie.

This is terrifying. I have so many colleagues who are outstanding at their jobs and here on H-1B visas.

The highest ranking dean was wearing a quarter zip too. Nailed it!

I have a meeting with some associate deans of the biggest college on campus today, but it’s Friday, so I’m following the rule of “you can get away with wearing anything that says Mizzou.” The best I can do is jeans and an MU quarter zip.

I made tator tot hot dish tonight because (1) solidarity with Minnesota and (2) it’s freaking cold. It always hits.

Last weekend, we went through photos, and there were so many dead souls in them. It was lovely and haunting. And hard. These are deep, complicated, short lives we lead, friends.

Five jobs I’ve had: preschool teacher tanning salon clerk state fair admissions supervisor high school English teacher education professor

(When the world is shitty, one should always support art).

Just bought tickets for the Mo Symphony’s Best of Broadway night here in CoMo, and we are stoked.

Me: It smells like fart in this house. Do you think it’s Beans? J: Well, she certainly isn’t helping. I spit out my drink. 🤣

The loss of my dad has really shown me that people show up for you when you show up for them. It’s made me more committed to showing up for people because it’s so important. My mom is struggling because of the lack of showing up…

Snow day pizza 2! (This one is turkey pepperoni, Fresno peppers, and sport peppers)

Snow day pizza!

Second one is done! It needs to dry and be ironed but I’m super pleased with the design!

Yessssss Mizzou snow day! (I teach online this semester and have only one Zoom meeting but it hits.)

We make bread on snow days. I don’t make the rules

Look how my vintage Scottie planter on the tv stand looks like Beans in this pose.

These two are experts at lazy Sunday

My chocolate babka is not a looker but she is DELICIOUS.

It’s either terribly inconvenient or a blessing that my dad died in the darkest American timeline in my 42 years on earth.

Holy shit! MIZ!

We are going through the giant photo box again and found this photo that I’ve never seen before. 💛

My favorite book last year was also @roxanegay.bsky.social’s favorite, and I feel so seen. It’s SO hard to write a good epistolary novel, and The Correspondent was so so good.

Made this tonight and it is PERFECT comfort food. Enjoy this complimentary ATK recipe—no login required—for the next 30 days. www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/1565...

Today in therapy, I has the realization that there is no such thing as a “good cry” or a catharsis from crying for me. My therapist said, “Huh. That’s interesting.” Love to break the mold. 🙃

We can tell the fragile state of my psyche right now because this incredible showing of humanity made me cry, and I don’t have religion.

It’s rather freeing that academics aren’t known for their fashion sense. I can finally stop trying to care and can wear what I want.

I’m wearing boots that probably don’t match this blazer/dress combo to present for all of the dept. chairs today, but I don’t care because it’s cold.

I went though photos my aunt gave me (a decade ago) when grandma died and found some gems, notably this one of dad’s 30th in 1988.

For the nighttime crowd: This is Steve Goldsmith. He was the gentlest man who wanted to pretend he was tough…but never with me. bsky.app/profile/mizp...

Tonight’s failed-dry-January martini is in honor of Steve Goldsmith who rarely drank and still died 2 months before his 68th birthday. Cheers, and remember that nothing we do really matters. And eat Arby’s!

Today would’ve been dad’s 68th birthday. This is a terrible quality photo-of-a-photo, but I love it because my little fingers are absolutely going for the icing on his birthday cake, and he isn’t stopping me.

This thread fills me with hope and this particular bit made me giggle.