Tits.

Gays that don’t participate in penetration:

Squatting for my life.

When you go to see a boy but get distracted by his cat.

Uh... That's not how numbers work.

Told my barber to leave my moustache this week. Becoming the 🥸 emoji.

A year ago today…

Wishing the gym pump lasted forever.

You know that feeling when someone you’re friendly with who was single while you were in a relationship is in a relationship now you’re single and you can’t help but wonder “what if…?”

Doing that thing where you go somewhere on a day off and wonder why nobody else has jobs.

Single men are like busses. Never there when they say they will be, often dirty, and you have to share them with everyone else.

The Phaaaaaantom of the opera is here… 🎶

No scrunching!

Playing Scrabble with my mum last night and Rosie wanted to join in. MEOW - 9 points.

It’s the same photo.

Today’s gym pump is supported by…

At the weekend I found* this serving dish which had been left by a previous owner hidden on the top shelf of a cupboard. I thought it was a slightly abstract landscape of mountains. WRONG. It's a naked woman, who I now call Shakira, because I did in fact confuse her breasts with mountains.

"What are you doing with your annual leave, Rob?"

If you insist

Why is anything shoulder related at the gym so damn hard? I’ve been stuck at the same overhead press weight for, like, a fucking decade at this point 😭

woke up again thinking about the tado average heat loss per country map w3.tado.com/en-gb/press/...

Peak middle-aged gay is seeing the front of a hotel and thinking “Alex Polizzi would HATE this”

Sunday picky bits.

I love bread. When I grow up, I want to be bread 👀

If you think you're having a hard day at work, just be thankful you're not on the BBC news desk trying to report on the Epstein emails right now.

Yessssssssssss! 🌴

My dad wants to see me on Boxing Day and I have no excuses, no reasons to get out of it. I just don't want to. I don't want to see him, I don't want to see a cousin I've not seen in 10+ years, and I absolutely can't be fucked with going into central London for lunch with them. Ugh.

Who knew all the teenage (and then some) years of playing The Sims would actually translate into my real job?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks having more than two or three of your photos "liked" in a row starts to become less of a compliment and more of a cry for attention? Just had a guy, now blocked, who liked/replied to/reposted more than THIRTY of my photos in the space of 5 minutes.

Mondaying

Nobody else at the gym knows what’s happening in my ears while I lift.

There’s a Reddit community where you share a photo of your weekly shop (because of course there is) so I shared mine. I’m mostly just pleased how well it all fits on my table.

I’ll admit I was disappointed to learn that this is in fact pronounced Burffham.

Just filled the tank. I've done around 420 miles this week and she took a smidge over 33 litres. Bearing in mind they'd likely have driven 15-20 miles to deliver it before I got in, that's easily more than 60mpg without any effort. Impressive.

Not quite sure what the point of a guarantee is when you can miss the deadline by several hours and pretty much shrug your shoulders about it. This country is the pits.

You know Sue, big fat Sue?

I'm in the office. I just overheard someone in the office next to me walk into the room and says "Are you guys snogging? WERE YOU SNOGGING?" Oh my god I need the drama.

A week and 400 miles in and my view of this car is softening slightly. It’s very comfortable, the build quality is clear, and the fuel economy is blowing my mind slightly if the OBC is to be trusted. In terms of driving enjoyment, however, it’s about as thrilling as loading the dishwasher.

I put the Alt in Alton.

The bots are sending poetry.

Following this dramatic incident last month, my car is now being repaired and I've been kept mobile in a Toyota C-HR. Not only am I surprised people actually buy these, but they pay upwards of £30,000 for the experience?! The mind boggles.

Good morning 🌅

I’m still full of cold but can’t eat just cereal for a third day in a row so need to brave the supermarket 🥲

People what use Philips Hue with Apple Home… what’s your go-to colour choice for the lamps? Adaptive is too cold in the afternoons but I’m never sure which one feels best as a gentle warm white.

I'm a terrible patient when I'm ill. I've got a cold and I'm fucking miserable with it 😂

Hands up who would like Joe to contort them into positions…? 🙋🏼‍♂️

Based on her fashion sense alone, Claudia Winkleman would get on fabulously with David Rose.

Check out that release date 😵

There's a guy who sends me thirsty photos/tries to start sexting at 9am every few days and I'm like... babes, get a jobbbb 😭