My calculator is missing the minus button... But on the plus side, it still works!

This is what happens when you're not woke.

tried to convince my ex-wife to name one of our son's Lightbulb slept on the couch that night she didn't think it would be funny when all her friends complained about their lightbulbs needing to be replaced after they blew them... #DocAfterDark

What has four letters... Sometimes has nine... Seldom has six... Occasionally has twelve... And never has five.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Back when my son was born, another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... Said they'd marry someday... Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

These billionaires are so evil it’s comical at this point 😭

Most underrated post ever!

PSA: Do not fart in an Apple store. They don't have windows.

Omg this one is so brutal. Looking more like it’s time to call it. Shut it down. youtube.com/shorts/efcvM...

Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé. Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No, that's buoyancy.

What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent? Murder within tent.

Theres a big difference between a man and a woman saying: I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night #DocAfterDark

I think the sailor was a little too into sweeping the deck. He went overboard.

💙💛 History will not appreciate attempts to forget Russia's crimes: EU sets red line for peace talks on Ukraine The EU emphasizes the need to hold Russia accountable for crimes in Ukraine and supports the creation of a tribunal. unn.ua/en/news/hist...

😂😂

EU tells Trump: You can’t pardon Putin for war crimes in Ukraine Any move to “wipe the slate clean” for Russia in a peace deal would be “a historic mistake of huge proportions.” www.politico.eu/article/dona...

Meanwhile in Russia: head of RT Margarita Simonyan said that in light of what is happening right now, she was right to rejoice about Trump's election. She also claimed that Russia is the best country in the world and all other countries are jealous of it. www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQT5...

Here is the real reason Putin is desperate for a peace agreement on his terms Russia will collapse: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpgE...

They had time to eat, and shareholders come first

I'm pretty sure that the hotel receptionist was checking me out.

And for our next band, would you please welcome the repo men. Take it away, boys.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't curium and you can't helium, you may as well barium.

"Gentry Beach, a college friend of Donald Trump Jr. and campaign donor to his father, has been in talks to acquire a stake in a Russian Arctic gas project if it is released from sanctions.” www.wsj.com/world/russia...

"By dangling multibillion-dollar rare-earth and energy deals, Moscow could reshape the economic map of Europe—while driving a wedge between America and its traditional allies." www.wsj.com/world/russia...

Teacher: I wish you would pay a little attention. Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can!

Two U.S. Navy F/A-18Es appeared and disappeared from radar off the coast of Venezuela.

This is insane. Squash this petition in Florida. Petition pushes for new ‘Trump County’ in Central Florida. Here’s where it’d be www.openpetition.org/us/petition/...

💯💯💯

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.

"Thou shall not multiply ... "!

Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

This week in Canada 🍁 😊⬇️

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi