It’s true I saw video of one guy on a plane calling a woman “piggy”!

This clip is at 2 million views and counting. Is this guy in the news or something? www.instagram.com/reel/DPOi8gB...

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! My new one-hour stand-up special “Rini” debuts on YouTube at 8pm eastern time and I am super excited about it! A long time coming, my first hour special in over a decade and the first one ever co-created with my wonderful partner Rini! www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0uf...

Today would have been President James Garfield's 194th birthday. Damn you, Charles Guiteau!

Hey authors! Check to see if Anthropic stole your book to train their slop generator on. You’re entitled to $1500 per stolen Work. Look up your work, and if you’re in the database, file a claim secure.anthropiccopyrightsettlement.com/lookup/

5 years ago today we found out our beloved Rudy dyed. RIP

The fact that this book is already in stores proves capitalism is undefeated

This clip is at 2 million views and counting. Is this guy in the news or something? www.instagram.com/reel/DPOi8gB...

what exactly am I supposed to enter here

Crazy how far the penny has fallen. My parents bought a home with one

Jeffrey Epstein? The financier?

Crazy how far the penny has fallen. My parents bought a home with one

what exactly am I supposed to enter here

I miss the old days of the FBI, when J. Edgar Hoover would pay out of pocket to watch his girlfriend sing at a wrestling match

Yes it sounds bad that Trump “spent hours” at Jeffrey Epstein’s house but knowing Epstein they were probably just hanging

So sad this will take jobs away from real human racists

Philly just trying to get this game in the hands of Jhoan Duran with a 3-0 lead

Who replaced my Monday Night Football with Thursday Night Football

The endless gambling app commercials during sports are one thing. The commercials for playing in a mob-rigged poker game with NBA players are another entirely

Great news from school pickup, my kids found 3 missing jackets and only lost one hoodie today for a +/ of +2 (best of any family at the lost and found)

Their season is literally a Kafkaesque nightmare

“groin/personal”

The Dick Cheney!

Say what you want about Trump, he singlehandedly revitalized the “I Voted” sticker industry

Between Andrew Cuomo and RFK Jr. it’s a horrible time to be the son of a guy with a New York bridge named after them. Wouldn’t want to be Chad Kosciuszko right now

Just tell me if they’re gonna allow ski facilities in Adirondack Park so I can go to bed already!!

Just tell me if they’re gonna allow ski facilities in Adirondack Park so I can go to bed already!!

Even the Post couldn’t make heads or tails of this one

I got asked to pick someone to write a Dick Cheney joke, and I picked myself

I wrote in Lenny Dykstra

Promising development for the future, I listed the mayoral candidates for my 5-year-old and she only said “that’s such a weird name” after Sliwa

I got asked to pick someone to write a Dick Cheney joke, and I picked myself

Well at least the Blue Jays don’t have to agonize about whether to accept that invite from the White House

Second-biggest Will Smith slap of all time

Me realizing I should’ve just gone to bed in the 6th inning

Hernandez made the classic mistake of trying to catch the ball there, gotta knock it down to keep Pages from catching it

I understand why RFK Jr. wants to make generic drugs easier to get because a generic Kennedy would do a better job than him

Happy Halloween!

This year at the NYC marathon I’m gonna break my personal record of 4 hours trying to get across town in a cab

They’re actually called nuclear hoagies

In the old days all Disney songwriters were Jews but you can tell not anymore because we’d never write a lyric like “the cold never bothered me anyway”

“NBA players feed inside info to gamblers betting on player props” is a direct result of the league’s modern entanglement with gambling apps and “NBA players conspire with the mob to rig live poker games” is right out of 1974

Apparently even 80-year-old classical violinist Itzhak Perlman has to do straight to camera videos to sell tickets

how do we get this technology to the Sixers' medical staff

demolishing my own house to own the libs

here to debate whether construction vehicles destroying the White House is cool or not, esteemed Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin vs. a 5-year-old boy

This clip did better than usual numbers Now release the Phone Addiction List!

Based on how often Trump golfs and posts A.I. videos I have to assume he just loves wasting water

(giving my wife a tiara made from 24 Ceylon sapphires and 1,083 diamonds that once belonged to Queen Hortense) “um… I went to Jared?”