Trump says that during the shutdown he wants to 'clear out dead wood', which also describes what happens when he busts a nut.

Project 2025? More like project Deez nuts into Trump's mouth. Sorry. It's the only thing I can do to keep from crying and losing my will to go on.

While I do feel bad for the Generals and Admirals who had to sit and listen to those two asshats, I've also had to stand through so many change of command and promotion speeches in the hot sun in Texas, Iraq, and Korea that it feels like a little bit of just payback.

Stephen King is the most banned author in US schools. What the hell has that guy doing in all of those schools?

McDonald’s is bringing back the Monopoly game after 10 years, and they have updated the board to reflect our modern times. Instead of "Go to Jail," they have updated that space to: "Go to Diabetes Treatment."

Chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall has died at 91. Her chimp family will honor her with a 21-poo-fling salute.

Fran Drescher celebrated her 68th birthday at the ceremony for her new star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, an honor second only to becoming a member of my spank bank back in 1993.

On the Senate floor, Ted Cruz passionately demanded, "How about we all come together and say, 'Let's stop attacking pedophiles?'" — Jesus Christ, this guy never misses a chance to defend Trump.

I served in Iraq for over a year and all I got was this incompetent, fascist government. Who do I speak to about a refund?

I am sorry to tell you right wingers, if Chuck Schumer is one of the Democrats' most important leaders, they are in absolutely no way "Radical Leftists."

I am in no way surprised that my fellow Americans at the Ryder Cup behaved the same way as a crowd at an indie wrestling show. Do I have any Canadian friends who know someone willing to give asylum to an American via whatever your version of a green card marriage is?

Will you all remember me when those of us that Trump blocked on Twitter are rounded up and sent to the Gulag?

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth ordered hundreds of senior military officers to Virginia for a highly unusual meeting. This is either a Saddam-style purge, the start of a new war, or an announcement that they are all being let go and that Marco Rubio will be in charge in the meantime.

Now I have to add, "The shooter wrote 'anti-ice' on one round using a blue ballpoint pen and then shot three detainees but no ICE agents, despite them being easy to spot because they wear masks like cowards," to my list of bullshit that didn't happen.

Tylenol Extra Strength is the fentanyl of Autism.

RFK Jr. announces that science shows that Tylenol PM causes narcolepsy and Tylenol Rapid Release Gels cause premature ejaculation.

About to watch some banana ball!

The Trump administration is now attempting to change the rules for sports broadcasting, removing pharmaceutical advertising during games, which means we will have to go back to learning about medication through Viagra scam emails.

I know I need to at least make sure I'm actively staying informed about what's going on in our country, but at this point, I mostly just want to shut out all sources of news and cocoon myself in TTRPGs, my girlfriend, and my cats. It's just too much.

A tooth was implanted in a 34-year-old's eye to restore his vision after two decades. This reminds me. I need to make an appointment to see my Dentometrist.

A man in Washington, DC, plays the Imperial March from Star Wars while following patrolling soldiers. One of the soldiers threatens to call the police.

RFK Jr poses with a fan.

Rock singer Rick Davies, of Supertramp, dies at 81, meaning you'll never get to see the band named after your mom perform live .

Ran my first Delta Green game earlier today. I fucking love this game.

For the past 25 years, minus a year in Iraq, a year in Egypt, and his freshman year in the dorm, my son and I have always lived together. This morning he left for San Marcos to get his master's degree at Texas State.

I am furious that no one has wished me a Happy Left-Handers Day yet. FURIOUS.

Hot Wheels and his felonious cronies wanted to make sure California doesn't beat out Texas for "State with the Most Mass Shootings" ever again. www.motherjones.com/politics/202...

Valve has delisted many 'adult' games from its Steam store after pressure from credit card processors Visa and Mastercard. This is why I am team Diners Club for life, bitches.

Guy, did you know there's prescription medicine that will make you pee your own jizz?

Does this mean I can finally stop training, eating my vitamins, and saying my prayers?

When Ozzy says he is doing a farewell concert he means it.

Cremate Ozzy and the whole world will get high.

The Jersey Devil is just like the regular devil, except he wears heavy gold chains and flashy tracksuits.

Chronic venous insufficiency in his head would explain a lot.

Astronomer CEO and HR chief caught ‘cheating’ on a kiss cam during a Coldplay concert. They wanted to listen to 'Yellow,' and now his wife is going to get a lot of green. They wanted to hear 'The Scientist,' and now he needs 'The Lawyer.' 'Viva La Vida'? More like Voiding El Vows.

Trump's ankles are so swollen they had to break out the Taft socks.

Disney announced that its new animatronic is its most lifelike yet, but later realized that it was former President Joe Biden who had accidentally wandered into The Hall of Presidents.

New bombshell from my investigators on Epstein's sex trafficking operation: the Trump administration has an Epstein file detailing 4,725 wire transfers and almost $1.1 billion flowing through just one of his banks. Hundreds of millions more through others.

Jane's Addiction members are suing Perry Farrell for assault and battery over an onstage fight. This will be the first time he's been in court since he was caught stealing once when he was five.

Oh man, I only made it one day without eating stuff I am not supposed to eat. I am the worst.

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, which is why you should masturbate as often as possible.

The sexual tension between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump is just too much. I wish they would just get it over with and make out.

Hey, Austin friends! Where is the best place to park to go to an Austin FC game? Figuring out parking is one of my biggest fears.

You young people have no idea how fucking extreme the 90s were. No fucking clue.

I most likely have a condition that is causing issues with my stomach and esophagus. If I am confirmed to have this issue, it will likely require some type of procedure to fix. In the meantime, my best option is to eat a diet that will not aggravate the condition.

The US has a plan to breed millions of flies and drop them from planes on the Texas border. This sounds like a disaster because, at the same time, Mexico is breeding millions of Jeff Goldblums and dropping them in the same place.

The "Pittsburgh Area Naturalists" are hosting a "Balls Out Bowling" event that will require all bowlers to be nude. This sounds fun until one of those Pittsburgh bowlers bends over to retrieve his ball from the ball return and you get a peek at his 7-10 split.