I'M GONNA TOUCH THE BELLY

The government fucked up tariffs so badly that UPS needs to customers.

So... when do all the gun dipshits stop fascism?

I love that in Google meets, AI note-takers follow vampire rules where they have to be allowed into the meeting.

Sometimes healing is ordering a used Gold Tone GM-10 mandolin.

Sinners: Finally saw it!! Amazing movie, worthy of all the praises and accolades! I sang along with the vampires both times ☠️ Guitar forensics for these shots, though: those strings would be either longer or gone. Low E string is some wire cutters.

I moved into the suburbs where all my neighbors own huge trucks. I'm constantly annoyed that they're in my way, my sight-lines, taking up multiple parking spaces, just being a big ol' pain in the ass. Do drivers of those monster trucks have criticisms of my li'l hatchback? Genuinely curious.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Have some beers; share in the awesome music and craic!! But save everybody the embarrassment: don't do the accent.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but perchance.org is a REALLY cool effin' resource.

My favorite part of "Melania" was the part where they played "It's a man's world".

Nice....

I get a CAPTCHA every time I open an incognito window to use Google now. "We detected unusual traffic from your computer network." My Verizon residential-ass network? What's the unusual traffic? I don't want my embarrassing-ass question associated with my Google account. Duh. Go duck this shit...

Amazon reporting the Melania film as #1 on Prime (after Amazon dumped $75M into rights and marketing) goes to show how hard some people will simp for political favor.

Jules Verne, when charged with coming up with a tough-guy American name, he landed on "Colonel Stamp Proctor". 10/10; no notes-- went to middle school with him.

We're officially in the "the pandemic will be over by springtime" era of gas prices.

Thought I would have gotten used to it by now, but I’m still grappling with the realization of just how stupid the men running this country are.

Do you like moose, elk, and other big animals in nature? If so, you should certainly google "Big Naturals" at work.

At four, the little spears on forks go from "prongs" to "tines".

Walking back to my car at the grocery store, I saw a sticker on the car beside mine that said "[vote] Cheaper Gas 2024". I think I said something out loud. I didn't realize the guy who owned the car was right behind me, 'coz that guy JUMPED in his car and disappeared.

Quote of the morning: Me (gently petting my screaming cat): shuttem them fuckums up!

This style of teapot is just a snow globe that you can drink.

Jackbox-like game idea: everybody gets a 6-digit number and can see it for a few seconds, it disappears and you have to punch it into your device. Fastest player wins. Each round the time gets shorter. Authenticator Simulator, coming soon.

Gotta love places that cheekily ask "How did your order go?" and to "Rate your experience!" Like, grrrrrrl, c'mon. Show me the goods first.

Of all Presidementia's prior State-of-the-Unions I've not watched in the past, tonight's State-of-the-Union is the State-of-the-Union I'm not watching the most. 🍊🚫

Purist: Streams on Tidal (quality/better royalties) Normie: Streams on Spotify (convenient) 90s Kid: CDs (quality/ownership) Hipster: Vinyl (lo-fi/ownership) Me: Just buys a bunch of instruments and poorly plays misremembered tunes into anything with a microphone

Me, training my algorithms: Blusky: Art and politics FB: Rollercoasters and social stuff TIkTok: trad music IG: Heehees, hahas, and cute animals Y'all just need to stay in your algorithmic lanes. I accidentally clicked on a music video on facebook and now shit's fucked everywhere, forever.

((rips bong)) But, like, what if you got an injection from the Space Needle?

Gotta take care of the circulatory system-- those are my arterial motives.

Sometimes, self care is buying another instrument that you really don't need.

Oooh! This is a funny premise for a song... lemme check if it's AI before sending it out to a fri... fuck. Well. It's AI.

I don't know who needs to know this, but for a thousand beer tokens, you can get a model of the Edmund Fitzgerald from Bed Bath and Beyond.

Were it not for Punxatawney Phil, Gobbler's Knob wouldn't be a a thing... ...is a sentence that could melt a European's brain.

Y'all remember when the Christians tried to rebrand "Mardi Gras" as "Shrove Tuesday"?-- I wonder how that's going for them.

And here's Lazers McRaygun with his hit new single, "Groping for the Flush Lever on the Wrong Side of the John".

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever googled a word and spelled it correctly?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but ketchup is a shit tier condiment. Grow up

I was going to make a belabored post about this, but artists exist.

Megachurch Pastor ((being blown out of a cannon through a pyrotechnics display into his private plane)): "Blessed are the huuuuuuumbllllle!" 💥🔥🛩️

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who sleeps with two fans on.

What a simple message tonight-- juntos estamos America

1997 really was a magical time.

The insane thing about living in another Trump era is that everyone knows what's going to happen and we have to watch it very slowly play out. Trump's goons are trying SEVERAL avenues to undermine, tamper with, or outright cancel the midterms for obvious reasons. Let's check back here in Nov.

"I hate math..." Shut up. You learned most of it when your brain was a quarter-formed and an underpaid, over-stressed education major poorly explained abstract concepts to you, and then told you whatever dumbass algorithm to turn numbers into other numbers. Your experience sucked. Math is cool.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever wanted to share something on social media on a different platform, and you open up that app and the story you want to share is right at the top?

Fuck around ( www.epa.gov/newsreleases... ) meets find out ( wchstv.com/news/local/c... ). Poisoned well water is Trump and capitalism.

My croutons are advertised as "OVEN BAKED!" Like, as opposed to what, li'l guys? There aren't many apparatuses out there for the specific verb "baking" as applied to li'l cubelets of bread.

Neat!! Didn't know these were a thing...

Me (seeing a big bucket in the work fridge): SOOOOOUP! 😈 The bucket: Neapolitan Ice Cream The disappointment is staggering.

MST3K: We're doing a Kickstar... The Internet: TAKE OUR FUGGIN' MONEY rifftraxmakesmst3k.com -- $700k raised out of $20k in like four hours!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_6k... Trump shits himself 34 seconds into this video. Doesn't stand up. Ushers everybody out. Great going away present for the folks over at @colbertlateshow.bsky.social