Relationships (personal, professional, & "therapeutic") that require you to be less aware of what you see, what you know, & what you need, are not safe or sustainable in a healthy way. No exceptions.

When we grew up w/ abuse or neglect, basic kindness & courtesy in relationships might feel like being showered w/ "love"-- or, alternatively, it might feel like a trap. Either way, don't overreact. Stay present, curious, & compassionate about your reactions, needs-- & boundaries.

Thousands of smart people have lost years of their lives being loyal or in thrall to toxic people or organizations. No shame. It's not about intelligence. And the MOST important thing is to not lose any more years-- or days, or minutes-- to them going forward.

You're not the first, last, or only trauma survivor looking at rebuilding your credit or financial stability as part of your recovery. No shame. Trauma doesn't just ravage us emotionally-- it ruins every corner of our life it can. Which is why recovery is about more than therapy.

Being mindfully present in this moment can be a recovery tool-- sometimes. But sometimes fast forwarding to how your daily recovery habits can predictably stack up a year from now can be reassuring & motivating, too-- especially if it brings your focus back to managing today.

Putting "triggered" or "trauma" in scare/mockery quotes is the biggest loser sh*t on the internet I've ever seen.

If we try to design a recovery blueprint w/ no room for fun, passion, & distraction every day (yes, EVERY day), we're going to burn out. Muscles don't grow w/ constant overload, & recovery doesn't stabilize w/ obsessive focus. Enjoyment & entertainment are VITAL recovery tools.

Self talk that supports our trauma recovery is not about treating ourselves w/ kid gloves or "coddling." It's about being realistic, clear, & compassionate w/ ourselves-- & framing our struggles in terms of problems we can break down & solve, .01% by .01%.

We may or may not be "safe" in our present situation. That's reality. What we can always do, though, is be safe w/ ourselves. That means no attacking, no shaming, & no punishing ourselves. Not even when it feels "natural," "right," or "deserved."

Trying to manage & heal CPTSD in an environment where you're still exposed to traumatic stressors is a b*tch-- but you're not screwed. All the recovery tools, especially managing your self talk, mental focus, & physiology, will help. Be realistic & gentle w/ yourself.

If you're reading this, consider this a nudge to check in w/ yourself-- your self talk, your mental focus, your breathing, & your body. Just do a quick scan. Any "part" of you trying to communicate something? Anything you need to adjust going into this next hour or task?

Forgiving ourselves doesn't mean pretending we were always perfect in the past. Realistic trauma recovery has plenty of room for amends & accountability. But it also has room for grace & understanding the reality of our context & limitations in the past.

We CAN trust ourselves-- to the extent we're committed to being real w/ ourselves. That includes not only acknowledging when we make less than perfect choices-- but also not buying into Trauma Brain's bullsh*t distorted projection of us as garbage. We're human. No more; no less.

It's one of the most common experiences of complex trauma survivors to have no idea who the hell we even are-- wondering if our identity & preferences are really "us," or who we got bullied or gaslit into being for safety. Reconstructing ourselves is THE core recovery project.

Realistic CPTSD recovery starts when we begin making everyday decisions through the lens of, "is this consistent w/ who I really am, or am I trying to please & appease someone else?" Authenticity isn't optional if we want recovery to be sustainable. Even in little things.

TGIF

Good morning

Work your messy, imperfect, uncertain, MacGuyver-ed together trauma recovery today. Work it clumsily. Work it afraid. Work it authentically. Real world trauma recovery isn't ballet. It's improv, & sometimes improv is cringe. Work the cringe. Embrace it.

The fact that no one seemed to notice your suffering is not evidence that you were actually "fine" or that you didn't "deserve" support. Do not let CPTSD convince you if you were "really" suffering or worthy, someone would have helped you. I wish that's how it worked, but.

Shaming & pressuring ourselves to "behave better" is us modeling our abusers & bullies-- & our nervous system will respond to us the same way it responded to them. If we keep doing what we've always done-- or what was done to us-- we'll keep getting what we've always gotten.

Some survivors are resistant to acknowledging our trauma wounds because we feel to accept a diagnosis is somehow making an "excuse." Nothing could be further from the truth. Accepting that we're wounded is the first, necessary step to working a realistic, no-excuses recovery.

Setting boundaries always risks someone being mad at at us, & that's often a specific trigger for abuse survivors in particular. No shame. You're not being "childish." Your nervous system is connecting to experiences that actually happened-- you didn't imagine or exaggerate them.

Focus today on the tiniest decisions, hour by hour, minute by minute, that can support your trauma recovery. Focus on little things that can help you feel .1% more stable & clear. Decluttering a corner. Deleting five emails. Drinking one glass of water. Make recovery realistic.

Remember: the fact that people who deny & disown their own trauma or who belittle trauma survivors don't understand or approve of you is actually the good news. Understand their scorn for the badge of honor that it is.

Trauma recovery is not entirely about tolerating or pushing through discomfort. Building realistic comfort & safety into our lives matters-- especially when we grew up around people & institutions that valued neither our comfort nor our safety. We NEED rest. We NEED laughter.

You did not "build an identity around your pain." You were tricked into believing your pain IS your identity. Recovery is about waking up & realizing how badly you've been conned by trauma & a culture that blames victims. You're not just 194 trauma responses in a trench coat.

That voice in the back of your head telling you you "can't" do what you have to do to feel & function better has absolutely nothing to do w/ whether you can do what you need to do to feel & function better. It just wants you to quit trying & let your bullies & abusers win.

Don't let someone give you sh*t about "avoiding" "discomfort." No trauma survivor I know "avoids" "discomfort"-- they're often absolute champions at tolerating pain. Dissociation is NOT a conscious choice to "avoid." It's a reflex many survivors find annoying & inconvenient.

You are not "crazy"-- you've been put in no-win situations again & again. Smart people are made to feel "crazy" every day by people & systems that make them feel trapped, controlled, or "in trouble." Breathe; blink; focus; & remember who you are & what you're all about.

The way to be there for the kid you once were, who was abused & bullied & didn't have the safety or support to fight back or escape, is to take care of yourself here, now. You caring for yourself today, even in little ways, is you showing up for that kid.

Being afraid doesn't mean you're f*cked. Being overwhelmed doesn't mean you're f*cked. It means you have to direct your self talk, mental focus, & physiology in specific ways right now to stay safe, stable, & do the next right thing. No more; no less. Breathe; blink; focus.

Every time your brain tries to frame trauma recovery as "sh*t I have to do," challenge it w/ the reframe, "tools that keep me from having to do sh*t I don't ever want to want to do again." Recovery is a roadmap to our authenticity, not a list of rules & obligations.

A daily project in realistic trauma recovery is resisting the pressure to meet others' energy, & focusing on defining & maintaining our own. That's tough to do w/ a "fawn" response pulling at us-- but it's how we identify people & situations that actually align w/ our recovery.

People who don't want to see you grow & change-- mentally, physically, spiritually, & financially-- aren't in alignment w/ your trauma recovery. That may not mean you have to cut them off-- but it does mean you have to be realistic about how far you can let them in.

Shout out to every trauma survivor working today to shift a belief or behavior that no longer serves you. It's awkward, it's annoying, it's tiring, it can be scary. And, it's how we change how we feel & function over time-- by doing it even though it sucks. You're doing it.

At some point in our trauma recovery, we are absolutely going to be faced w/ the choice of losing someone else, or losing ourselves. It sucks-- but if the only way we can keep someone in our life is by betraying ourselves, that price is too high. No more self abandonment.

There is nothing shameful about suicidal ideation. It would be bizarre to experience the things we've experienced, & NOT have that thought occur to us. It doesn't mean we have to act on it, or that we have to overreact to the thought. Meet it w/ compassion & clarity, all day.

You don't have to like or love or be grateful for any of this sh*t. Whoever told you that working your trauma recovery meant you "had" to lean into toxic positivity was full of it. I don't love this sh*t. But I'll be goddamned if I'm going to let my abusers & bullies win.

Remember today that any effective trauma recovery tool is a combination of the basic tools of self talk, mental focus, and physiology, especially breathing. Don't get it in your had that certain tools are too advanced or esoteric for you to adapt. They ALL come back to basics.

Something many trauma survivors have in common is their absolute commitment to not "wasting" the pain of their childhood-- to creating a profoundly different experience for their kids than they had growing up. A childhood that breaks your heart also tends to clear your vision.

Every day in trauma recovery, wake up & take time to identify what you want to feel. One of our biggest vulnerabilities as survivors is going on autopilot. Our autopilot was programmed by our bullies & abusers, & will steer us toward feeling like garbage. Take the wheel.

Write down your trauma recovery goals. Edit & elaborate on those goals often, in writing. It's hard to be motivated by some abstraction called "trauma recovery." We need concrete reminders of why we're doing this & targets to move toward if we expect to stay focused & consistent.

Trauma recovery works because of neuroplasticity-- the well-established fact that our brain & nervous system changes in response to experience. That's not "toxic positivity"-- we can, & will, change. Recovery is grounded in science, not hope or wishful thinking. Remember that.

I don't care how late in life you're starting to learn about & practice trauma recovery (yes, recovery is something we practice day to day, not something we "get")-- there is no goal relating to your safety, stability, & quality of life that is "too small" to matter.

Trauma recovery that doesn't prioritize us feeling safe in our own skin, inside our own head & heart, isn't sustainable. Creating realistic safety inside us starts w/ doing what we need to do so all the "parts" of us of which we're aware feel seen, heard, believed, & valued.

It's always motherf*ckers who aren't working a trauma recovery, who are emotionally & spiritually incapable of working a recovery, who have opinions about how we're working ours. Give their opinions & judgments exactly as much credence as they deserve.

Our trauma conditioning is going to try to tell us we're "failing," that this will take "forever," & that we "can't" do it-- as if it "knows" anything about the future. Trauma Brain is not Nostradamus. It's a manifestation of wounds that distort our worldview. No more, no less.

We're not going to detox a poison past overnight. Yes, recovery takes the time it takes, & yes, our trauma conditioning is going to try to get us to say "f*ck it." Our job is to not overreact when we get the "f*ck it's," & stay present w/ ourselves as we slowly clear the venom.

Your quality of life matters, & it is worth planning & fighting for. That can be really hard to believe & remember when we're feeling sh*tty, but it's the truth. Trauma recovery is NOT just about coping w/ the sh*t show. It's about realistically building a life & feeling good.