Daily trauma recovery looks like managing our time & money; talking back to cognitive distortions w/ patience & realism; taking time to stretch, move, rest, & care for our body; feeding & hydrating ourselves appropriately; & responding to "symptoms" w/ care & grace, not judgment.

So you were wrong. I've been wrong plenty of times in my life. It doesn't mean we're "stupid" or "bad." It doesn't mean we can't trust ourselves going forward-- provided we're realistic & willing to cop to it & adjust when we've f*cked up. Ease up. Turns out we're human.

Trauma Brain will try to tell you today that since this life isn't what you expected or what you wanted, there's "no point" in trying to change or improve or save it. What bullsh*t. Breathe; blink; focus; & look for the next recovery supporting micro choice.

It's real important, as we work to reduce our anxiety & make ourselves less vulnerable to anxiety, that we not shame or attack ourselves for being anxious. Anxiety happens. It's not a character flaw. It's a sign part of us is sensitive & wounded-- & needs compassion & patience.

A thing almost everybody reading this has in common is, we are absolutely committed to NOT being like our abusers & bullies-- which starts w/ how we talk to & behave toward ourselves. Kicking the sh*t out of ourselves is not an option if we really don't want to be like "them."

CPTSD is going to try to trick us today into focusing on "urgent" things, instead of things we know to be actually IMPORTANT-- that is, aligned w/ our recovery (& life) goals & values. Don't fall for it. Remember who you are, what your life is all about-- & stay on target today.

We are not our thoughts, feelings, & behaviors; we are people who think, feel, & do things. That may sound semantic, but it's an important, practical distinction for survivors who have been reduced to our symptoms & struggles by a world uninterested in who we actually are.

Sustainable trauma recovery is going to have us thinking about what we really want & why we want it more than we ever have in our lives-- because for many of us it was never safe or realistic growing up to think of the future or take our own needs & desires seriously. IYKYK.

Holding ourselves accountable for past behavior we don't love, that doesn't represent our true values or best self, doesn't have to mean ruthlessly punishing ourselves. True accountability & amends require change, not suffering. Focus on doing the next right thing.

Realistically "letting go" of the past means intentionally shifting how we focus on it, talk to ourselves about it, & what we believe about it. It requires we actively catch & scramble reflexive thoughts about it. It's not a one time decision-- it's a process of reconditioning.

We have nothing to prove by exposing ourselves to people or situations that do nothing but make us feel like garbage. Nobody's going to give us a medal for proving we can "take it." Don't get baited into wasting time & focus playing stupid games to win stupid prizes.

I'll tell you right now, shifting our self talk to be realistically supportive & self compassionate is going to feel fake as hell when we've been conditioned for years to kick the sh*t out of ourselves in our own head. Rewiring that sh*t takes time, patience, & commitment.

Breathe. You're enough, & you're doing enough by focusing on just the next recovery supporting micro choice. Breathe. Breathe.

People don't get what a risk it feels like to CPTSD survivors to try new things, when we've been conditioned to believe we'll be mocked or abandoned for being "bad" at them-- which, EVERYBODY is bad at EVERY new thing at first. Trying takes courage, patience, & self compassion.

For my money trauma recovery is most usefully thought of as a collection of daily disciplines-- which doesn't sit well w/ many survivors, because we believe "discipline" means "punish." But that's not what it means, not really. The root of "discipline" is "disciple"-- to LEARN.

That belief that we "need" the approval of specific other people to have worth goes back to an instinctive craving for our parents' love, which was linked to survival in our evolutionary history. But it's a false connection. We don't "need" ANYBODY'S love or approval to survive.

Triggers feel so gross not just because they're disruptive & scary, but because they violate our consent. They force us to think about & react to memories & feelings we would not choose to engage w/ in this moment, in this way. Triggers replicate the experience of violation.

You are not "stupid" or "silly" for being passionate or intense or all in on what you're into. Yes, you, like me & many other survivors, may want to work on regulating & shifting your attention-- but that passion can be one of our most effective tools in creating a life.

You're not your diagnosis, you're not your bank balance, you're not your gender, you're not your f*ckin' cheekbones or hairline. "They" will try to convince you you are, but you're not. Breathe; blink; focus; & stay grounded in the reality of you. Not "their" caricature of you.

We do not live in a just world. That means bad people are not always, or even usually, punished for their actions. It also means you were not hurt because you were bad-- or that your current struggles are about your "character." You are NOT suffering because you "deserve" it.

I hear you: you don't FEEL loving toward yourself, & you were never shown how to love yourself or told you deserve love no matter what, so it's hard to even imagine loving yourself now. So start small. Start w/ "how would I behave toward a person or pet I love?"

Realistic trauma recovery is built minute by minute, choice by choice, in how we talk to ourselves, how we direct the sliver of mental focus we can influence, & how we breathe & use our body. I know, not sexy or profound. But that's the reality. Minute, by minute, by minute.

You deserve relationships that are actually safe-- not just less painful than relationships from your past. You deserve a life that is actually secure-- not just less chaotic than what you endured back then.

Trauma recovery hack: read. Read things that you know were written by humans. Read memoirs, biographies, fiction, & poetry. Humans have known things about realistic trauma recovery since before psychology was a field. Read wide & deep. Read like your recovery depends on it.

Life is too short to spend one minute longer than absolutely necessary thinking about someone whose presence in your life does not support your trauma recovery. If they only hijack your focus from your goals & values, get good at mentally pivoting away from them. No shame.

Reminding yourself & asserting to others that certain things, both past & present, are neither your fault nor your responsibility, is not "making excuses" or "avoiding accountability"-- it's making room for REALISTIC accountability, focused on your ACTUAL priorities & needs.

Safe relationships can help repair our nervous system after experiencing complex trauma-- but that doesn't mean our psychological destiny now is entirely dependent upon others. The ultimate work of recovery is still up to us-- our self talk, our mental focus, our physiology.

Most of the world is going to miss or misunderstand most of our trauma responses. They just are. It doesn't mean those responses are invalid or that the pain driving them isn't "real;" it means it's on us to validate & manage our responses w/ compassion & realism, no matter what.

There is nothing you can feel that is "unacceptable." The things that evoke & amplify our feelings may not be "acceptable," & we may choose to dedicate our lives to passionately & emphatically changing them-- but our feelings are not, & have never been, the problem.

Grooming & gaslighting are real, & they don't just happen in extreme circumstances, like cults or obviously abusive relationships. Trauma recovery asks us to get unflinchingly realistic about how often & covertly MANY people & institutions try to influence us every day.

Realistic, sustainable trauma recovery is about 1) managing our attention, 2) understanding our physical reactions & needs & relating to our physical body, & 3) repairing & developing our relationship w/ ourselves (notably our "parts" & inner child). Successful recovery strategies address all 3.

Realistic trauma recovery requires enormous accountability-- first & foremost, accountability to ourselves to not talk to or behave toward ourselves in the same cruel or dismissive ways our abusers did.

Realistic trauma recovery requires knowledge, philosophy, strategy, & tools. Deficits in any of these are going to create problems.

Your recovery and your future are about you, not "them." Make sure you're not accidentally making someone else, either someone you love or someone you hate, the main character in your story.

We need to be realistic about the fact that it's not just our personal stressors & triggers that make staying present & working our trauma recovery hard-- the state of the world & what we see, hear, & understand about it absolutely impact our acuity, trajectory, & strategy.

The reality is, we cannot wait until trauma ceases or we're unequivocally safe in order to develop tools & work our recovery. We'll be waiting forever. We have to develop tools & strategy & start working now, even if & when the sh*t is still happening. I don't believe in waiting.

Breathe, & slow things down inside. Whatever it is, take it one, teeny, tiny chunk at a time. Just focus on the next recovery supporting or goal consistent baby step. That's it. Just the next teeny, tiny thing. You've got this. Breathe; blink; focus.

Create & use trauma recovery tools that externalize what's happening in your head & body. Use a journal. Incorporate physical movement-- up to & including explosive physical movement, if it feels right. Make art. Don't let this sh*t just rattle around in your head. Give it form.

Remember that CPTSD recovery involves unlearning & relearning basic ideas about ourselves & the world that have been conditioned in us over decades. That realistically happens in increments-- over time. "Patience" is a necessary tool, not a platitude, in real world recovery.

The voices we "hear" in our head are not random. We're replaying old "tapes." It's not our fault-- we didn't "choose" those tapes, years of trauma conditioning did. But we can add tapes now. Mentors. Therapists. Role models. We're not stuck w/ our old, default "tapes."

Whether we're having a "feel every f*cking thing" day or a "feel absolutely nothing" day-- & we as trauma survivors are going to have plenty of both-- our job in recovery is to meet our experience & needs today w/ compassion, patience, & realism.

Spoiler: abusive people & institutions will get angry & retaliatory when you don't give them the obedience, fear, &/or forgiveness they feel entitled to. Yes, their anger can be realistically dangerous & consequential-- which calls for a plan, not a surrender.

Sustainable trauma recovery asks us to be unflinchingly realistic about media & entertainment that will retraumatize us without adding to our understanding of the world. Remember that "they" want us hooked, scared, & outraged as much or more than they want us informed.

We're going to have days & moments in recovery when we feel on the verge of everything falling apart-- which doesn't mean everything is about to fall apart. When the "check engine" light comes on, it means our vehicle requires attention & care, not that it's a "failure" of a car.

"Taking responsibility" for our trauma recovery is not about "growing up" because we'll be "in trouble" if we don't. Bleh. It's about getting realistic about what we do & don't control, inside & outside of us. It's about feeling grounded & empowered-- not stressed & exhausted.

There are lots of things that contribute to how we feel & function today. "Processing" the past isn't a magic bullet to recovery. It's trauma, yes, but trauma plus physical pain plus lack of support & resources plus, plus, plus. Realistic recovery thinks multidimensionally.

One of the most common experiences of trauma survivors is that we've felt like we're a frustrating mystery to ourselves our whole lives-- & we've been made to feel ashamed for not understanding or being able to "control" our feelings & choices. That is: for being human.

We don't need to understand the "why" of an abuser's behavior to recover from their destructive choices. It can help-- sometimes-- but don't fall into the trap of believing you can't heal until you decode why they did what they did. Recovery is survivor, not abuser, focused.

Ignoring & avoiding feelings & memories is never a realistic or sustainable trauma recovery "strategy"-- but we need to meet our urge to ignore & avoid w/ enormous compassion & patience. Feelings & memories can be terrifying & overwhelming. "Just face them" isn't that easy.

Managing our attention in the middle of a rough night needs to be gentle & compassionate. Yeah, your brain's going to get drawn toward the suck & the pain & the dark. Just keep patiently bringing it back, again & again, to your safe interior space. Easy, easy does it.