You are not a pessimist or "downer" for struggling w/ hope. Of course trauma survivors struggle w/ hope. We're suspicious of it. We know it can make us vulnerable. We know it can be used against us. But hope, properly understood & leveraged, can also be a powerful recovery tool.

Yes, it sucks we didn't have the tools or support or safety to protect ourselves back then-- but we can care for the kid we once were right here & now, by working our trauma recovery w/ realism & self compassion today. That kid inside our head & heart & memory still needs us.

Before we can talk about & process our feelings & experiences in trauma recovery, we often have to wrestle w/ this overwhelming fear of being seen. Survivors learned to be seen is to be vulnerable. We can't just "let go" of that fear-- we have to meet it w/ respect & patience.

Remember that the anxiety that can accompany "good" emotions or events in trauma recovery isn't a indication we're in trouble or something's about to go horribly wrong-- it's an artifact of old conditioning that has us anticipating & "armoring" against the worst case scenario.

"Choices" you made in the past to stay consistent w/ a belief system-- religious or secular-- that you were indoctrinated into before you knew what was happening, may not at all represent who you actually are. Programmed responses are not us. They're how we were conditioned.

Beating the sh*t out of ourselves when we stumble doesn't help anyone-- but it sure pleases our bullies & abusers. They'd LOVE to know we're talking to ourselves the way they talked to us. Don't give them that satisfaction. Scratch the record.

Staying focused on what matters-- who we are, what we really want, what's really important & meaningful to us-- when we have old programming trying to distract & hijack & demoralize us, is a heroic act. It's also really hard-- & we only get better at in teeny, tiny increments.

If we avoid basic self-care-- checking in w/ ourselves, speaking to ourselves respectfully & supportively, feeding ourselves & letting ourselves rest-- we're also avoiding communicating to our "parts" & inner child that they're valuable & safe. Which is the backbone of recovery.

Self-care is not as easy for trauma survivors as it may sound. We've been conditioned to deny our need for care ("needing" anything feels awfully vulnerable) & to prioritize others at our own expense. Learning self-care can be like learning a new language as an adult-- awkward.

Because your system has been sensitized in certain ways due to the trauma you've experienced, doesn't mean you can't trust your perceptions, interpretations, or intuition. It means you need to be realistic about your baseline-- without invalidating what you're experiencing.

Your trauma responses aren't always going to be wrong or "overreactions." There totally ARE people out there who will try to victimize you now, like people did back then. Our job is to pay attention to those responses, w/ compassion & realism-- WITHOUT disappearing or regressing.

We often think of childhood familial abuse as the archetype of complex trauma-- but peer group bullying over years can absolutely check all the CPTSD boxes: it occurs over time, is functionally inescapable, is relationally focused, & injures our self-concept & attachment style.

Trauma informed professionals-- in any field, not just medicine or therapy-- intentionally support survivors in feeling & accepting that they have wisdom & skill inside them that their trauma responses have temporarily made them doubt or forget about.

You don't have to 100% understand your body in order to soothe your body. As you pay attention to your body, especially when you're triggered, focus in on relating to it w/ acceptance & love-- even as you're scared, even as you're frustrated, even as you're confused.

This is a reminder that therapists & "experts" only hold a piece of the trauma recovery puzzle-- & maybe not the most important piece for you here & now. Read & learn about philosophy & nutrition & movement & art & history & metaphysics & spirituality to fill in the gaps.

There are plenty of times when "pushing through" actually IS an appropriate strategy-- but many survivors have been trained to "push through" in moments of pain & exhaustion that are guaranteed to cook our ability to perform. Judicious, not random, "pushing through" is the tool.

Remember today that your bullies & abusers would love nothing more than for you to keep blaming & shaming yourself for your symptoms & struggles. Relating to yourself w/ compassion & realism would really piss them off & make them nervous. That sounds like a plan to me.

Easy does it. Remember your goal today is not to "perform" trauma recovery "perfectly"-- it's to focus on & do things that make recovery .01% more realistic & consistent. Don't overthink it. Just focus on how you breathe & talk to yourself today-- that's where it all starts.

Yeah. We'll never be the person we would or could or "should" have been without what happened to us. But the person we are, right here, right now, deserves to be loved & respected & supported w/ all the passion & commitment that we "should" have received over all these years.

Your safety & stability is more important than your family of origin's need to project a virtuous image-- & if that means they have to explain why all their kids don't come home for the holidays, that's their problem. You prioritize your recovery over their family photo.

It can be hard for trauma survivors to think about big picture goals, when our main goals for years have been in the ballpark of "survival" & "stability." Not to mention that goal setting necessarily involves letting ourselves hope-- which can feel to many survivors like a trap.

Your mileage may vary, but I think trauma survivors working our recovery to create a life of purpose & peace our abusers could never understand, ARE "better" than the people who hurt us-- or the people who enabled them.

Many trauma survivors choose not to f*ck w/ "forgiveness," because many abusers understand "forgiveness" to mean "permission to do it again."

It is not our fault that, once upon a time, our wounds made grooming & love bombing emotionally indistinguishable to us from actual love. We do not deserve to be "punished" for our past vulnerability. Grace over guilt.

The story of your recovery is never going to resonate with people who deny your trauma ever happened or was "that big a deal." So this project, recovery, that makes your life worth living again? Will never be a priority for "them"-- & we have to be okay w/ that.

Gang, AI is confidently wrong about so, so much right now. Please, please be careful about how you use it as a therapy or recovery tool.

Any day we develop our relationship w/ ourselves, learn to trust ourselves more, learn to understand ourselves more, learn to have our own back & be on our own side & give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, is a good day in trauma recovery-- no matter what else is happening.

Our self-concept & self-esteem-- who & how worthy we believe ourselves to be-- was not formed by whether our parents felt love toward us. It was formed by how they expressed & otherwise operationalized that love. "Love" the feeling needs to translate to "love" the verb.

Even if they're out of our life or dead, the beliefs & behaviors of our abusers frequently live on in our reflexive self-judgments & harsh self-punishments. Shaking out of those conditioned patterns-- refusing to do their dirty work for them-- is the backbone of trauma recovery.

Meeting the symptoms & patterns we don't love with compassion, patience, & a realistic understanding of where they came from & the purpose they serve is how we level up in trauma recovery. Don't let frustration or self-contempt stall you out today. Grace over guilt.

The programming that we have to be super productive overachievers to be loved or worthy is just that-- programming. Actual successful people keep productivity & achievement in perspective. No level of "productivity" will let us duck & dodge unworthiness programming forever.

Trauma survivors tend to be intense, & intensity can be a beautiful thing. I am intense & I love people & experiences that are intense. But if we don't match our intensity w/ consistency, focus, & discipline, it's going to burn us out instead of fueling our recovery.

In realistic trauma recovery we need to remember that neither our comfort zone nor our desire for comfort is our "enemy." Growth happens when we push ourselves, then give ourselves time & fuel to recover-- & that recovery & rebuilding happens where we feel safe & comfortable.

There is no shame in having been attached or attracted to someone who hurt you-- or still being attached or attracted to them. That's conditioning, not a "choice." And it doesn't have to dictate your relationship choices going forward-- though it will effortfully try.

Others may well be confused or upset that your new identity isn't consistent w/ the person they knew-- but your commitment is to your safety, your stability, your goals, your values, your recovery. Not their comfort or preferences. No shame. Forward. Forward.

Remember today you are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to change your priorities, you are allowed to set new standards or boundaries. Your safety & stability-- your recovery-- going forward are more important than ANY past decision that no longer fits or serves you.

We're not going to berate ourselves out of overthinking. "Just let it go" is not a strategy. We want to meet that habit w/ gentleness & respect for where it comes from-- just like we meet ALL of our trauma wounds in realistic recovery. Shame is not ever a recovery tool.

You are not psychologically "weak" for craving closeness or reassurance-- & you are not "crazy" for resisting closeness or feeling guilty about needing reassurance, even as you crave it. These are super common trauma wounds, that heal as we meet them w/ compassion & consistency.

Reality check: you're not hurting them by setting a boundary that keeps you safe. Well, maybe their feelings. Which we're going to go ahead and let be their problem.

hi guys

You're not "choosing" to react. You're not "choosing" anxiety or depression. Your mind & body are reflexively responding & functioning in ways they've been programmed to. Changing those patterns involves more than "choosing" differently. Grace over guilt. Recovery is a project.

Everyone feels child-like when an emotional flashback hits. There's no need for shame, & no "shoulds" when it comes to reactions we don't choose & are actively woking to manage. Meet those reactions w/ compassion & patience-- you know, those things you needed as a child.

#inktober2025 Day 31, prompt: “award”

One of Trauma Brain's most underhanded tools for making us feel like garbage & sabotaging our recovery is to evoke shame for struggling w/ "basics," like hygiene, time management, or other "adulting" tasks. Notice it, see through it, roll your eyes, & keep working your recovery.

Validating your pain has nothing to do w/ being "soft" or "making excuses" for anything. The highest achievers acknowledge pain points & realistically manage them-- because they know denial is poison for sustained performance. "Powering through" is for poseurs, not achievers.

Remember that messages about how much you suck are going to sound "right," not because you suck, but because you were programmed & conditioned by your past & pain to believe you suck. Our triggers don't come out of nowhere. They spike because they resonate w/ old injuries.

Even if & when we get out of a toxic environment, we have to realistically manage & slowly change the effects of having been in it. We were conditioned & injured. Managing & healing the burn-- i.e., trauma recovery-- is a project separate from removing our hand from the stove.

Being kind & fair & compassionate toward ourselves in trauma recovery is much harder than just "decide to do it." We're working against years of conditioning & ossified beliefs about what we do or don't "deserve." You're not struggling w/ it because you suck-- it's a tall order.

The version of you your parents or church would have preferred is not your business or responsibility. If they want to make themselves unhappy with the "shoulds" they choose to cling to, let them "should" all over themselves. You have a recovery to work & a life to build here.

The vast majority of trauma survivors I've ever met don't want anything "special." They want the opportunity to find out who they are without the ghosts of their past polluting their thoughts, beliefs, & decisions-- autonomy that the normies take for granted. No more; no less.