Please kill me God

US Cooks literally abuse butter

I have pain(t)s of thou

Remember grandma words, It’s never enough for garlic

I speak 3 languages; English, Cockney and Bullshit.

I speak fluent sarcasm, occasionally mixed with tears

Roses are red, my soul is black, life moved forward, I stayed back.

I am not pretending babe i am manifesting 💋

You’re proof that evolution can take a coffee break

Some lessons don’t come from books, they come from your bad advice.

Thanks for the heartbreak. It pairs well with my sarcasm.

Your aesthetic is stolen. Your personality is missing.

My parents don’t need therapy, they have me for free (I cook sphagetti for them)

Congrats on existing. Now can you stop narrating it?

History books are horror stories, written politely.

Some people age like wine; others age like unwashed socks in the back of the fridge.

Their favorite line: ‘When I was your age…’ you were prehistoric

My diet is 50% hope, 50% regret, 100% snacks

Red flags look pink if you squint with denial

Not everyone deserves closure Sometimes the door just stays slammed

Best friends finish each other’s… gossip.

Reminder for my bf, Thanks for being my unpaid therapist with worse advice than Google 🥹

My main intention in this life, bein’ rich in a decent way

Breakups are just free trials for character development

Besties forever or until someone forgets to tag you

Parents call it advice I call it emotional spam

I’m so grateful to God that I’m able to cook, cooking is sacred. Some of you will feel me, I know that

Romantic dinners are cute… until the bill shows up.

technically dehydration is also a drinking problem

I think Bluesky is blessed with a bunch of naive people. I’m not even making typos just for you guys. 🤍

If attention was currency, some of y’all would be billionaires

Some people talk so much they should come with subtitles for when I stop listening.

Never trust a man that starts with 'trust me'.

Wild how people say ‘trust me’ right before proving why you shouldn’t.

Unpopular opinion: leftovers taste better than the original mea

Watercolor fail

I run on caffeine, sarcasm and 3% hope

I want to be rich by making my own money

Yes, I’m overqualified for disappointment

My patience is on airplane mode

Optimism is knowing you’ll fail but hoping no one notices

Watercolor, ballpointpen and acrylic. Sketch of the day #drawing #sketchbook

People collect stamps, I collect regrets

My fridge is a museum of expired dreams

I don't get lost. I search for unexpected short-cuts

I don’t get lost. I take scenic detours

What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done and don’t regret?

Just saw a pigeon nod at me like we agreed on something

the most UNREALISTIC part of movies is not superhero shhtt its how quickly people find parking spots