The problem with fashion is some skinny guy in Milan is creating it I need my clothes designed by a guy that lives behind a dumpster in Utica! That’s the guy that will understand the right sweatpants, and tank top for me

Do skydivers ever do a parachute cleanse?

My night vision is so bad that I have an alter in my car so I can channel a better driver

I’m learning to work with the five elements, fire air, water, earth, and Xanax

Whoever bought EVERY bra that was in my size at Ann Summers I NEED YOU TO STOP YOU ONLY HAVE TWO TITS YOU DON'T NEED THIS MANY

Next to your to-do list, always have a joy list with an equal amount of entries. That way you know you will have spent at least half your day in a state of joy.

I am creating my own Rontowski tariffs that will be applied to any letter that contains a bill or a notice from the IRS. They will not be opened until tariffs are paid.

My friend had a near death experience. I remember once I had a near job experience

I remember someone making fun of people for using a teleprompter

I don’t foresee the rapture, but I can definitely predict a nap

Anyone else feel like we are living in a bad soap opera that turned into professional wrestling and is now just a badly animated cartoon?

The rapture is Tuesday On Wednesday, we can take all their stuff. Get some good Christian shit!

The rapture is Tuesday, and I still haven’t picked out my outfit. Do you think red is too much?

So the guy that opened the fake free speech club when we had free speech is suddenly silent now that we don’t! Unbelievable ? Anybody else? Theo? Schultz? Jewel?… (Silence?

TEXT BY AGE Under age 35: 25 separate text messages like a run on sentences all saying same thing Age 35-45: one giant text that Siri wasn’t even close on 45% of words 45-infinity: Audio 1:37 minutes long

I don’t want to watch the news, but it’s like trying not to look at a car crash…. And having to make sure it wasn’t your car

The only people that experience cancel culture are women. We get canceled for not sleeping with the boss and we get canceled after we have been assaulted.

The country music in the Charleston airport is so bad I can’t wait to get on the plane and listen to a screaming baby

Uh…TSA guy had a Hitler (toothbrush) mustache. No one said anything Except me. The silence that followed was deafening WHAT ARE WE DOING?

I believe in karma so when there was a two year-old in front of me on the plane, I kicked his seat the whole way

Being a doomsday prepper really means you just spend your whole life getting ready for that one time you can say,”I told you so!”

I’m getting my colonoscopy on the day of the eclipse. That seems like a lot of moon.

Chicago do your thing! And remember nobody saw nothing!

They say there is a giant spaceship slowly moving towards earth and it’s fine with me if they can just bring a comfortable bra. Human engineering has failed at this.

Everyone in New York drives so close. The other day I asked the guy for his dash cam so I could use it for my next colonoscopy

Yesterday I stared at a UFO for an hour until I realized it was a spot on my glasses Rockin 2025!

Today I have no worries which can only mean something bad is going to happen

You will know when he has died because Melania will actually show up at the White House. She may even smile

If the last two faces you see before you pass are JD Vance and Steven Miller, you know whatever is coming next is not gonna be good

Last week I did a parasite cleanse and since then no one has seen the president You’re welcome

Downsizing used to be “Have I worn this in a year?” Now it’s, “Will this be something I can barter with in the Armageddon?”

You can’t make people care, but you can chain them to a radiator until they agree Mediation solutions by Rontowski

I have a friend who’s an idiot and her husband is an avid hunter. I don’t think he likes hunting. I think after dealing with her, he has to go out and kill something.

When a family member passes, it takes about a day before someone texts me but I know the second the president passes I will hear from everyone I’ve ever met in the last 40 years immediately.

I’m creating a reverse meditation tape or it’s just me screaming, “GET UP! GET UP! DO THINGS!”

I think I might have Covid. I slept for two days straight. I’ve never been so tired. I feel like I’m the president.

We have push-up bras, butt lifting leggings and spanks. Women are just trying to levitate

I wasn’t like other little girls. Other girls wanted an Easy Bake Oven. I just wanted to be easy. Mission accomplished

Me pointing at my half suitcase: I just had a hysterectomy. Could someone just help me lift this? @southwestair.bsky.social : No. We don’t get paid to do that.

If you write a book on passive aggressive behavior, is it wrong to dedicate it to your mother?

My Akashic records are all disco.

If we’re going to have a revolution can we please do it before third quarter estimate taxes are due? Just saying, I hate to waste that money if there’s no government

I keep hearing there is a giant mothership slowly making it’s way here to earth. Wouldn’t it be great if it showed up with a big sign on the front that said, “Release the Epstein Files!”

I don’t like Kindle because now I can’t show the vast libraries of books I’ll never read. How am I supposed to mislead people into thinking I’m smarter than I am ?

What do you think about the universe. That’s why I never think about it butt

My safe word is the symbol for Prince

My doctor gave me a picture of my uterus after my hysterectomy Now whenever people show me pictures of their babies I make them look at pictures of the cysts on my ovaries -rontowski

I think I’ve mentally blocked out 2025 The amount of antibiotics and prescription drugs that are on the floor of my car that I forgot to take his alarming. Anyone else driving around in a pharmacy by mistake?