Crazy how I pre-cogged this shit.

Had it mentioned to me that I seem to be better now because I've been drawing stuff I love again lately. It's a nice gesture but I started drawing because my pet/ closest friend died. Art is my blanket.

I really don't want to be jaded.

I'd like my life to be a bit less L faps thankyou.

Yknow it's odd. I'm having an emotional low rn and it's nowhere near as bad as the ones I've had for the last month n change. So even though I feel kinda crummy there's the silver lining of - this is my current floor, this is bearable :)

Yknow, I think I'm entering my "I can just do what they do but much better" phase. I'm gonna demonstrate in the coming months that I can do what they prided themselves on and do it better.

Idk I just wish all my business hadn't been turned into a public affair. But moreso I just wish that they didn't get to lean on their reputation so hard to just twist the truth however they wanted. Like, idk. It just hurts. I wish they had actual dirt on me at this point bc it's be better than-

ill post this here too. holly/rosie lore for the enjoyers

Idk

Looked up the reviews on the hospital I've been visiting to help with my *cough* *cough* ideation and there's a buncha angry reviews from family members and friends of people who went there and died in their "care" lmao.

Ngl with how abyssmal UK mental health services have been I'm pretty sure I'm cooked lmao.

(vore, animal death(?)) beasts are indiscriminately hungry -- no one should blame them for 1. being unable to read or 2. needing to eat

Coloured sketch for Samson!

talking about xenia the linux fox in my server and it spawned this

WARNING: People in the splash zone may become large Orcas.

Decided to try my bodysuit and leotard again. Tbh I'm still a long way off of where I wanna be body wise.

I guess it's like. I went through something so agonising that for a solid few weeks I just was done living. I saw another friend I wasn't even that close with about to go through the same. So I intervened and stopped it from it becoming what I went through. I wonder why nobody did the same for me.

I think I've just been very unlucky with the people I've chosen to be close with throughout my life. I guess I've been trying to convince myself my luck is going to change but I don't really believe it?

I wonder what I want out of life. Feels like how I view it's been knocked off a set of rails I've been riding for, idk how long. Just feels very odd.

I think, I've managed to reach a level of inner peace finally. It's imperfect still but it's like. Enough. I can be with myself and I'm ok giving people room. I feel more like "me" again.

Artemis my sphinx boy (WIP)

Should clarify I mean that I just wasn't compatible with her not that I was cheating jfc before that gets snipped and taken the wrong way.

holy moly. For the first time in a month I genuinely want some alone time to enjoy to myself ;u; - I missed wanting just my own company.

Oh yeah since they care soo much about age gaps in people who are sexually involved. They were in their late 20s/ early 30s. I was 21. Yknow since 23 and 28 is something they felt was worth scrutiny.

I am this close to making some form of a response to my ex girlfriend who's been trying to assert I'm some kind of a groomer for - checks - not wanting to be sexually intimate with her anymore.

Swear my ass is a sphere the way I feel like I lack any point.

going to attempt to revive this poor account now that there seems to be a migration from twitter happening! I don't know how much of my art I wanna repost, but I'll definitely at least put some of my better things on this account as well <3

dubious and dark themes cw // exploration into overprotectiveness and pervasive thoughts

I think I get now what a friend was telling me a while ago. About feeling differently about a person vs the actions they do. It feels like cognitive dissonance until you phrase it that way.

Compartmentalization 1/4

I just wanna deactivate my stuff. Idk. It's just not fun anymore.

Idk. I can't stop thinking about how much I want to just. Quit doing art. It's just put me in a chain of events where the outcomes are increasingly unpleasant and traumatic and sitting here at 1am wrapping up my last piece of comm work. I feel empty.

I think the exchange that stuck with me the most was- me: I don't understand I thought we were close. them: Yeah no, you were.

I kind of made this character off the bat but maybe I'll try and actually develop it more or make the design more interesting

Tbh a month out. I really struggle trusting people especially when it'd like promises of doing something good for me. It just feels like they're angling for something in my gut and it feels unfair to them.

My perspective on life is a work in progress please allow me some problematic outlooks for the time being as a treat.

Feelin pretty tentatively optimistic again. <:)

Remembered how someone I used to be friends with would drive away all my friends they found annoying and get worried when I'd start spending more time around other groups. Which led to me having that circle they were in as my *only* friend group. Definitely didn't make this entire ordeal way worse

that one hand shadow meme

I've had trouble sleeping for weeks now because of recurring nightmares I keep having. Getting jeered at and laughed at by people. I just wake up crying a lot of times and struggle to go back to sleep.

ehehehe

Headaches

another thing is that like, ig transfeminine people understand what it's like to be under a panotiocopn along with people eager to paint them as creeps and weirdos for the crime of existing "wrong" even girls who follow all the rules are on the chopping block I understand and show solidarity

It's weird. Even though I talk to people every day. I still feel alone. I think it's just a byproduct of the whole, being told I need to be less invested in people in therapy. It just makes it hard for company to be fulfilling on its own.

Finally got my acc back after I lost the password - the reset requests kept going to my spam folder xc

I hate how they ripped the hope out of my life that things could be ok. That I could trust again. That I could be safe with people. And the people I talk to don't see that. They don't understand why I can't let it go - because I was betrayed to such an extent that trust now feels arbitrary.

I dunno how I move on and trust people again. Idk, like I don't think people get what it's like to have all but like 2 people be 100% against you on things that are half misinfo and idk. Nobody involved sticks up for you. Idk I just have a lot of lingering doubts on what I'm gonna do.