The clutching pearls are right next to the magic beans.

Why is there condensed milk but no expanded milk?

Does anybody bother checking the weather forecast anymore? I sure as hell don't.

Damn! I was hoping the rapture would take all those motherfuckers off our hands.

Hug a teacher. Or just give them a raise.

Progress requires a goal. Otherwise it's just motion.

So California is forbidding the Gestapo from wearing masks. Who is going to enforce that rule and how? Seems like a lot of mouth and not a tooth to be found.

I have very little sympathy for his wife or kids. How many innocent people have been murdered in cold blood because of hatred and intolerance? Their partners and kids are in line way ahead of that disgusting Nazi's family. I'm glad he's finally doing something useful and feeding the worms. Quote me.

I mean, this is the problem right? We continually have a gun to our head. And we are told to pick between the status quo and fascism, both of which suck, but one is clearly worse. When in reality we need to destroy the person holding the gun metaphorically speaking - the gun being the system.

A solo that's so low.

How do people believe that Disney has ever been anything but problematic? From day one to day today, they've represented white supremacy, colonialism, and bigoted stereotypes and narratives. Fuck those guys, even without the whole Jimmy Kimmel meltdown.

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day: "Face down on the deck or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

Hell, I've been saying this since January and the neolibs reward me with tongue lashings. 🤷🏻‍♂️

At this point I can only conclude that a majority of us want, like, and enjoy living under a fascist dictatorship. Gotta say, I didn't see it coming, but I guess I'm an idiot. 🤷‍♂️

COVID is not "just a cold." I had it in 2022 and now every time I do get a cold it turns into bronchitis. The crack-a-rib, tear-a-tendon-in-your-back from coughing kind of bronchitis. And I have a cold right now which just turned into bronchitis.

Kinda makes you want to start an actual org called Antifa, no?

"How can we get even more wrong than as wrong as can be? Isn't there something more exclusive than Completely Tone-Deaf? Maybe Completely Tone-Deaf Platinum?"

Schumer is a blithering moron. I've flushed more intelligent things down the toilet. Today. A bridge game awaits him in the common room.

Corey Booker is a disingenuous chump. Eight months he and his colleagues have had to DO FUCKING ANYTHING AT ALL. Don't feed this monster. Please. Wake up, people. The only thing he cares about is lining his own pockets and covering his own ass. He'd throw any of us into the volcano in a heartbeat.

He talks and talks—sometimes for hours straight. But we're still stuck with an organized crime syndicate consisting of Nazis and KKK ruling our country. Keep talking, Corey. You're as stiff as warm Jell-O.

I hear Corey Booker is sending Kash Patel to his room without any dinner to think about what he's done.

A man in Washington, DC, plays the Imperial March from Star Wars while following patrolling soldiers. One of the soldiers threatens to call the police.

I'm surprised people aren't focused more on the lantern flies they haven't spotted yet.

Holocaust II. Coming soon to a death camp you're in!

Groyper meets Groypee. Who doesn't love a story about authentic human connection?

"You know something, people? I'm not Black, but there's a whole lotsa times I wish I could say I'm not white." -- Frank Zappa

The *only* thing that prevented Charlie Kirk from being the next Hitler was access to power. If we wouldn't have sympathy for the extermination of Hitler, should we have it for I-wish-I-could-be-Hitler? A lot of you would have been gleefully shuffled into a gas chamber by him. You get that, right?

A great phrase to add to your vocabulary is "I stand corrected." Because I was wrong, but I shouldn't be shamed for that.

This from a talentless pedo who built his entire career out of cheap shots and modern-day fat jokes. What a profoundly unfunny blivit. (PS: "Seinfeld" sucked ass, and not in the good way.)

Where are all you Luigi fans now? 🤔

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituary notices with great satisfaction.” — Clarence Darrow, "The Story of My Life" (1932)

Kirk out!

"We're going to Diseasney World!"

There's a fine line between a less fine line and a finer line.

Never underestimate the capacity of a high-velocity metallic projectile passing through the soft tissues contained within just the right cranial cavity to bring unbounded joy to the world.

We all know what needs to be done.

The new camera is working nicely.

The lesson I've learned is that whether you're a tenant or a homeowner, you should know your rights. It takes some research. But my HOA is gonna think twice about fucking with me next time.

Whatever you're stressing about, just remember that within 100 years any survivors will be eating bugs just to get by. Let's hear it for The Four Horsemen of the Palliative Age: Authoritarian Ossification; Terminal-Stage Capitalism; Ecological Collapse; and Peak Oil.

Sticking it to the HOA is such a good feeling. By my count, their latest "request" broke state and county regulations five times. Gonna sleep on my response, edit it in the morning, then hit Send. Eat it, you blivits!

I vow to learn the Charleston just so I can dance it on his grave.

Wait, Giuliani broke a vertebra? But I thought he was spineless! 🤔

Right before you fart, say "Release the Crack-End!"

Treat yourself!

One of the shittiest phrases a boss can use is "all hands on deck!"

I truly treasure this writer! app.thestorygraph.com/reviews/ffdd...

But they'll break every law they can along the way just for shits and giggles.

I wish they cared. But for most of them it appears to be a wet dream that's come true.

I was woken up early this morning when our power went out. It says something about where we stand that my first two thoughts were, first, that Trump had cut the juice to torment us, and second, that the power grid had been hacked. We regained power a few hours later.

Enough about fucking Taylor Swift. FFS, she's just an oligarch who can sing in tune. Don't center that shit!