LOVE that I thought every single device was trash instead of my goddamn internet provider. Comcast had me in such a chokehold, I was really thinking my FireStick was slow to... what, boot up? lol Quantum Fiber is so fast my house is levitating and the sun is shining after 2 days of rain, lord

Popped into the natural grocery after Ace; cashier asked "What kind of fish do you have?" which is an unhinged thing to ask a person buying prosecco. I'm totally lost, and it shows but then? Tell me why this person points to the gallon of FISH FERTILIZER in my hand?! I don't even know what I said 🤣😂

Well it's 867-5309, baby Iff'n you don't know by now Well it's 867-5309, baby It don't matter, anyhow.. When the rooster crows at the break of dawn I don't like mofos playing On my phone You're the reason why I'm traveling on. So, eat my ass It's alright!

It's a reason the "Translate" button pops up on this skeet, friend, and that reason is: You are speaking nonsense. Matcha taste like somebody decided to weaponize wheatgrass

Oh, I guess you have to "work at Parks" and "know how to drive" to try the riding leaf blower, well, excuuuse me! Do y'all ever get tired of being boring? Smh

Well, there's a snake in the driveway garden, I learned as I load camping gear into the driveway. Y'all have no idea how scared I am of snakes - it's literally a garter snake, but that does not matter. I said "One of us gon have to go, Snake", and he said "Good thing you already packing, bitch."😭😭

Good morning!

"Met Gala" was an answer in my most recent crossword, so that's the extent of my give-a-fuck

Oh, God fuckin damn it, I just gave a cig to a mf with a Nazi tattoos, Jesus, just a swastika on each shoulder, lord

Please, don't be like this fucking moron. Yes, idiot, that *is* poison hemlock. You can photograph plants without picking them, and should! *posted after they ate a bit of the root*

Bought these last year and was peeved to find that they at sterile. So I collected their stunning blue pollen to use on Firefly Petunias. That's right, heau! I've created a glow-in-the-dark version(right) of the Amazonas Plum Cockatoo(left). Suck it, nerds!!! I do what I want 😂😂 Glow pic tonight!

Vincente never ceases to make the hole in his blanket hilarious

Hoooo-boy, the way I almost just Sideshow Bob'd the SHIT myself stepping on a gravel rake but miraculous BLOCKED IT with the other rake that was already in my hands, babyyy!?!? Ninja skills on lock 😆😆😅 glad I wasn't further into this beer, fr

Get you a projector and stream it to your party, like I had to do after food poisoning took me out RIGHT before Missy hit the stage on her tour 😭 That's actually a good reminder that, even if you can swing the ticket price, shit could go sideways in the form of a bad seafood dinner anyway

Maaan, all the people I wanna send my most unhinged texts to are dead

I was meddling in my homie's junk drawer and pulled out a BIG firecracker, talmbout "Tf is this, man, an M80?! Just in here with the eyeglass repair kits and matches?!" Mf laughs "That's a half sick of dynamite! Been wondering where that was." So, yeah. Mf's just have that laying around sometimes 🥴

And how much was spent to find that coked out fish act just as coked out as all of God's other coked out creatures? Was this fuck-ass research peer reviewed by Cocaine Bear or just inspired by it(because the scientists are douche-canoes, now, too)? How's the cancer cure going, guys?

I can only read “females” in that context like a ferengi now.

The guide walked them right into the forest and smack tf dab into some forest elephants with a baby. Elephants have Stand Your Ground laws, too, so the rest, much like these dudes, is history. Having seen an elephant's foot that a hunter turned into a literal footstool, I'm ok w/them being paste!

Didn't even flinch when his name was said. Loudly. At what point do they check his pulse, though? I bet the folks standing around were wondering the same thing...

Now you just look stupid as hell because you coulda just left it at you don't like them *boiled*, which is the nastiest way to cook most things, but you had to fix your stank mouth to call them "poverty food" first, smh. Using "collards" as a method of preparation?? Just...

My Monkey Tail Cactus, which I bought as 6" starts in 2020, are flowering for the first time! Yee!

The audacity of my slaves. Vincente kicking aluminum bowls around talmbout "Comida, puta!!", and when I told Misti to come in the house, she very sweetly just looked at me like "...no" and walked tf away.

You know what, fuck Dave Chappelle for a lot of reasons, but I really hate when mf's ruin a perfectly good name for me. You know who else was called "Dave"? A WONDERFUL man, who opened his heart and home to 3 orphaned baby chipmunks and raised them into a musical sensation, that's who! THAT'S Dave!

I'm...sorry, am I reading this correctly? What the fuck does he mean by "especially one that's historically punk rock"? What does he think punk rock is? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DAVE. DID YOU COME BACK OUTSIDE TO PISS OFF ME, SPECIFICALLY

NOT CLEANING YOUR MAKEUP BRUSHES! I wear powder/foundation a handful of times a year, so it didn't even occur to me. So, when I had an allergic reaction on my face *after* having used those brushes? This was 10 months ago and my scars are still fading. CW, y'all, these pics nasty.

Tammy, the fast food garbage piled up under your desk *would* be hidden, if the whole damned office didn't smell like a McDonald's dumpster. Newsflash: you don't have "yellow undertones", you have SCURVY. Eat some fucking vegetables

What y'all think, Blacksky? Who got a verse for me? *Apologies in advance if you, too, start randomly spouting "ON A MUTHAFUCKIN ROCCKK!" while going about your day-to-day business. 😶

Never had a beef with a neighbor before, bc I do shit like play some G-rated music at a neighbor-friendly volume level while I work outside. Now that there's a neighbor beefing with me, for no raisin?! "Hey, Google! Play some music about selling crack!" And that's why it's *Motherfucker* Jones.

Was feeling so on top of my shit ahead of this meeting with the Parks department, until I looked down.

I'm sorry, but correcting "When" to "Wnen" is fucking unhinged; I'm sick to death of LLMs. Like, give me my phone back you goddamn Nonsense Monster

I'm just chiming in to tell my girlies that SkinnyPop is punishment food and you deserve FatPop with your wine, beloved.

The worst grape flavoring betrayal was grape Bubbalicious. On God, it tasted like mustard to me.

What of WHAT Road?!? Sorry, I actually *can't* come over 😆😆 www.zillow.com/homedetails/...

Today I learned that Julia Fucking Child's "first foray into cooking" was during WWII, when she created a *shark repellent* for the OSS, to keep sharks from blowing up bombs meant for Nazis. They still use it to this day. A chef of such great renown hailing from shark-stank origins? You can cook.

So, apparently, Jonathan the Tortoise is alive; that was actually a quality April Fool's prank, considering that we all should know damned well better than to be believing anything on social media at a glance.

Are we *sure* that's what they call themselves because "jabberwocky" kinda sounds like a bit of a slur.

Dinner and drinks with a few close friends on the rooftop of the 4 Seasons, hit the town, then back to the hotel to stay the night with my man, who had proposed before we set out for the evening. They sent up cake and bubbly, which was a nice gesture that did not stop me from stealing a robe at all.

I feel very displaced in this life. That is all

"Now, ma'am..", is what I'm saying on record, but in my heart I'm calling you a

Re: Paradise It's cute that they thought to evacuate the government to safety, but..um..can we all agree, as Americans, that any government that left us to die is null and void? You not finna come out here, from your bunker, and resume power after that colossal fuck-up? Bitch?! No fuckin mulligans!

I've used mail-in ballots for decades, and I officially *demand* an answer as to why I was not aware that this was presidential privilege. Where THE FUCK is my motorcade

Aht aht! Non-religious and DEFINITELY non-Christian, Bruce Lee ain't in no White Jesus's Heaven! Bruce Lee is water everywhere; Chuck Norris up there stinking the place up with Hulk Mf'n Hogan. Jesus weeps.

I'm sorry, CHUCK fkn NORRIS DIED?!? Well, damn, he had a good-ass publicist because I kinda didn't think that was possible lol.

HOW THE FUCK, EXACTLY? Are you..wack? Ain't shit? Booty-type motherfucker? Cunty McBitchStack?l Inquiring minds need to know!

I....might have a pinball enemy. A Pinemy, if you will. I did not think this could happen to me, as a Joyous Bitch, but lookit me sitting here finkinbout gutting a mf...about pinball.

Hahaa, come on over here and sit down next to Auntie Sega Genesis, baby, have you some cake; it's gon be okay

If Michael B Jordan wins Best Actor, my heart can finally heal from The Wire

I binge-watched Paradise and Fallout while I was sick as hell and now I can't remember if it's the noseless red guy or the wifeless Black guy at Graceland, and which is being maligned by an annoying white girl. Or was it bofum? The Elvis>Vegas connection must be fkn with me, fr 😅😅 auntie need help!

Praying that this mail kiosk man can fix my phone...but also kinda praying that he can't, because we agreed on $240 for the service 🥲🥲 Seeing as I cannot get a new, comparable phone at that price point, apparently....let us pray.