is there a greater tragedy than when you think of a perfect quip only to realize the post doesn’t allow public replies?

you know what, i’mma stop taking off my smart watch when i take care of business. siri can’t prove what i’m actually doing. for all she knows i’m just scrolling a mouse or polishing silverware or something.

another joke about this economy? in this economy?

Five things that annoy introverts: 1. Uninvited interruptions during their alone time 2. Being pressured to socialize when they need solitude to recharge 3. Overly crowded and noisy environments 4. Constant small talk that lacks depth and authenticity 5. Being misunderstood as shy or anti-social

sure i'm a godless heathen, but i also haven't had a soda in years, which probably cancels that out. i'll put in a good word for all y'all at the rapture tomorrow.

holy crap, i just thought of something -- why do they call it football if players mainly use their hands? i can't believe no one's noticed this before.

my toxic trait is thinking i could definitely outsmart a cursed monkey’s paw.

i call my bisexuality theoretical because i haven’t been in a straight relationship since like 2011.

if i’m down, i can console myself with the fact that there are many places who will readily accept my money in exchange for cheesecake.

i am like the powder magazine on an old-timey sailing ship. let me have my own space that’s cool, dark and quiet, or else i may get very unhappy and make it everyone’s problem.

take care of my mental health? in this economy?

streaming ads? you mean netflix and shill. …is this anything? I haven’t slept in a while.

fear not the pale specter that wanders these halls in the deepest silence of the night… i’m just filling my water bottle. i’ll only be a minute.

sometimes i regret promising that ancient wizard that i’d use my tits only for good and never evil. i fear it’s holding back my real potential.

unstoppable force versus immovable object? how about someone who’s bad at explaining versus someone who refuses to listen….

i have practical shoes and no patience. you bet i walk faster than you.

People always tell introverts to be more talkative and leave their comfort zones, yet no one tells extroverts to shut up and make the zone comfortable

what is a haiku? can i see an example? i don’t understand.

for tonight’s girl dinner we offer an exquisite selection of salted almonds served à la fistful with a side of dried supermarket apricots. for dessert, we recommend the whatever’s already in reach so i don’t have to get up again.

spend labor day anywhere besides work? in this economy?

consoling myself over the state of life by mindlessly dunking pretzel crackers into a jar of nutella

i will not rest until i find a cure for my insomnia

Introverts be like: “I want to be invited, but I don’t want to go.”

grwm for the impending war of succession

i did notice the flabbers felt a little more gasty this week

you can’t prove i plagiarized you. it’s your word against mine.

i think i would be a a very good billionaire. i'd be responsible, benevolent, and always generous to those in need. someone drop me ten figures so i can test my theory.

i'm full to the fucking brim with childlike wonder goddammit

look, in real life i'm actually really pleasant, i just don't know any of you people.

i refuse to use capital letters for no other reason than being insufferable.

HOW INTROVERTS MAKE FRIENDS: 10% - they don’t 90% - an extrovert found them, liked them, and adopted them

only been here for like two days. is it too soon to share hot takes that will get me canceled?

what, these scars? no, i’m not emo, my cat is sometimes kinda bitchy.

i don’t think i was meant to work at a desk all day. i should be wandering the woods, befriending animals and casting fell curses on menfolk who cross my path.

if society collapses and all money becomes worthless, how far do you think i’ll get on my childhood collection of beanie babies?

it’s been a while since i last opened a social media account. i forgot how long it takes to weed out a fyp.

They say 'the machines of the future' will be as smart as people... OK, but WHICH people? Because it kinda matters quite a bit.

The people that always complain I don’t talk enough never seem to actually listen when I do speak

hello the void, i shall be screaming into you now