🚨 BREAKING: Bank of England to replace Winston Churchill on the £5 note with Ken Dodd. Britain needs “relatable heroes” — and who better than the Liverpool legend who made the nation laugh for 60 years and survived an HMRC investigation. Tickling sticks are rumoured as the new security feature.

BREAKING: #Trump has changed his mind and is now looking to trade West Virginia to #Denmark in exchange for #Greenland. “West Virginia is basically Denmark,” Trump said. “Mountains, very cold sometimes. A lot of Danish stuff happened there, trust me. Denmark’s gonna love it. Very smart.” 🇩🇰🇺🇸

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly considering trading Texas to Denmark in exchange for Greenland. “Texas already has the largest population of Danes outside Denmark” Trump said. “Honestly it’ll feel like home for them plus they get to patrol the border with Mexico. Tremendous responsibility.” 🇩🇰🇺🇸

How much territory would Diaper Donny hand over in exchange for peace if Mexico invaded Texas? #TangerineTyrant #OrangeOaf #AmericaDeservesBetter #TrumpPedoFiles

Donald Trump refuses to impose #TrumpTax tariffs on Russia 🇷🇺 Is Trump planning to help Russia with exports to the United States to prop up Vladimir Putin?

Americans will be expected to pay 54% more for iPhones than customers in the rest of the world from today. While Trump believes that iPhones can be manufactured in old steel mills in Pittsburgh, American consumers will be picking up the tab on Trump’s latest cash-grab. #TrumpTax

Is Trump on a campaign to crash the US Economy? 🇺🇸 54% import duty on all Chinese goods being imported to America as of today. An iPhone made by Foxconn in Shenzhen that cost $999 yesterday will now cost $1,540 from today. Will Americans stand for this?

🚨 BREAKING 🚨 Donald Trump signs executive order declaring all documents signed in the United States with AutoPen are ‘Null and Void’ with retroactive clauses. Inadvertently this means millions of Americans now free from Trillions of dollars of mortgage payments, credit card debt and student loans.

After single-handedly tanking Tesla sales by shutting down EV charging stations nationwide, Discount Donny was spotted outside the White House, desperately trying to hawk Teslas like a used car salesman who just realized he torched his own lot.

@reformuk.bsky.social Will add £280 every year to all UK household electricity bills to put power cables underground to appease NIMBYs in East Anglia.

🚨 Breaking 🚨 Trump rolls back support for Ukraine to appease Vladimir Putin. Has Dopey Donney gone all Commie?

Trump pardons 1,600 Jan 6th ‘freedom fighters’—who killed 5, injured 174, and attacked democracy—but Luigi Mangione, who shot a health insurance CEO after being denied life-saving coverage, gets no pardon. Storming the Capitol is patriotic, but targeting corporate greed? That’s crossing the line.

🚨Breaking News! Donald Trump unknowingly signed an anti-immigration executive order which requires his wife Melania to return to her Slovenian homeland before 1st February 2025. It’s unclear at the moment whether this was intentional or a bureaucratic oversight. More on this story as it comes in…

Convicted felon and adjudicated rapist Donald Trump is FURIOUS that Joe Biden gave a presidential pardon to a family member. Meanwhile, Donald Trump provides over 1,500 presidential pardons to armed criminals who stormed the capitol and tried to murder his then-vice president Mike Pence.

Perhaps the United States should look to South Korea for guidance on how to handle criminals?

🚨 House of Commons bar to close following an alleged drink spiking incident 🚨 Reform UK MPs accused of trying to ‘reform’ happy hour into blackout hour. 🍸📉 👮‍♂️ Security review pending…

Elon Musk, now suddenly concerned about ‘grooming gangs,’ might want to reflect on his own party guest lists. Accusing others of moral failings while posing with Ghislaine Maxwell? That’s some next-level hypocrisy. #GlassHouses #Irony

Ah, so free speech is only free until someone claims Liz Truss ‘crashed the economy.’ Perhaps she’ll next argue that the mini-budget was just an abstract art performance titled ‘Fiscal Chaos.’ #FreeSpeechForSome

Has anyone seen Nigel Farage today?

Nigel Farage, known for fooling people to back Brexit to escape ‘unelected foreign bureaucrats,’ now rolls out the red carpet for unelected foreign bureaucrat Elon Musk to turn Britain into the 51st state. Farewell £, hello $ ($100 million to be precise!)

Lee ‘30p’ Anderson would’ve skipped the Battle of the Somme, claiming the medal ribbons were too ‘woke.’ Let’s be honest—he’d probably have been more comfortable fighting with the other side anyway. #30pLee #HistoryRewritten

Donald Trump: “The Second Amendment and the Constitution is sacred and must never be altered!” Also Donald Trump: “Let’s change the Constitution to stop birthright citizenship.” Consistency has left the chat. #ConstitutionalHypocrisy #TrumpLogic

Dinosaurs aren’t extinct; they’re just writing columns for the Daily Mail. Richard Littlejohn alone proves the T-Rex never needed to evolve—just swap the claws for a keyboard and keep complaining about modernity 🫠

Nigel Farage declares war on ‘small boats’ but gets confused when the UK Border Force shows up. ‘A boat’s a boat!’ he mutters as he reloads.

🚨 BREAKING 🚨Video from 2011 shows Jeremy Clarkson claiming he’d “Have them all shot in front of their families” referring to workers who went on strike and protested in London, blocking roads. Thank God they didn’t have tractors with them… youtu.be/NuuDnqSPnhA

🚨 BREAKING: Clacton constituents amongst the highest % of voters to sign petition for another general election. Are they already regretting voting for Nigel Farage as their MP?

800,000 sign a petition for another General Election, and it’s called a ‘skyrocketing backlash.’ Meanwhile, millions of rejoin voters have been ignored since 2016. Guess democracy is only urgent when it’s convenient. #BrokenPromises #WhatAboutRejoin

Jeremy Clarkson, the man who bought a £4.25m farm specifically to avoid inheritance tax, is now leading a protest against… inheritance tax. It’s peak “rich guy logic”—gaming the system and then playing the victim when asked to contribute fairly. Hypocrisy never looked so bucolic! #InheritanceTax

Farmers who voted for Brexit were happy to wave goodbye to generous EU subsidies, but now they’re protesting inheritance tax on estates worth millions. Funny how paying half the tax the rest of us do when we’re six feet under suddenly feels like too much. #DoubleStandards #BrexitBenefits

Today, Conservative MPs, including Kemi Badenoch, joined farmers blocking London’s roads—breaking the very anti-protest laws they pushed through. Turns out when it’s about protecting wealth, disruption is suddenly patriotic. #Hypocrisy #ProtestPrivilege #TwoTierPolicing

With a net worth of £55,000,000 Jeremy Clarkson begs the government to reconsider charging his children inheritance tax on his empire. #ProtestPrivilege #DoubleStandards

Farmers in £200,000 tractors blocking roads and emergency vehicles in London over inheritance tax, yet not a single crackdown. Meanwhile, Just Stop Oil gets dragged off the streets for less. Guess disruption is fine as long as it’s done in style. #TwoTierPolicing #ProtestPrivilege #DoubleStandards

Trump supporters: ‘We hate woke electric cars!’ Also Trump supporters: ‘Elon Musk is the perfect fit for The Department of Government Efficiency.’ So, which is it? Supporting a guy whose entire business runs on EVs or clinging to the gas pump? The mental gymnastics must be exhausting #Hypocrisy

Donald Trump’s Covid legacy: from “it’ll disappear like a miracle” to suggesting we inject bleach. A masterclass in how to turn a public health crisis into a stand-up routine—except nobody’s laughing. #LeadershipFail #BleachNotIncluded #Trump

Donald Trump announces mass layoffs of government employees under the banner of “efficiency.” Because nothing boosts the economy quite like thousands of newly unemployed workers with “Make America Jobless Again” hats. #Efficiency #Leadership #Trump #ElonMusk

😱 SHOCKER: Allison Pearson visited by police over a tweet about immigrants. In a stunning twist, she’s now writing a column on how being held accountable is the real hate crime. #FreeSpeechWarrior #VictimhoodComplex #Telegraph

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly fails a dementia test, calling it “the most rigged test in history.” Sources say he spent 20 minutes arguing that an elephant should have five legs. #CognitiveKing #StableGenius #Trump

NEW: Bombshell revelation—turns out Justin Welby’s resignation last week wasn’t about faith after all. Sources now say Harry & Meghan’s influence struck again. Who knew the Church couldn’t handle a royal Zoom call? #SussexEffect #UnholyUnion #JustinWelby

BREAKING: The Onion acquires Infowars. Finally, satire and "satire" unite to fight the real enemy: critical thinking. Expect even more hard-hitting investigations like "Are Wind Turbines Making Your Cat Communist?" #Journalism #GBNews #TheOnion #InfoWars

🚨 ANNOUNCEMENT: At GB News, we proudly deliver both sides of the story—right-wing and far-right-wing. Follow us on Bluesky for even more balanced debates where everyone agrees, just louder. #FairAndBalanced #GBNews