I don't know how this stuff is supposed to read except for "I love consuming sexual abuse as content."

Who's that Jewish-Buddhist fella that came up with all them brainteasers? You know who I'm talking about. Xen Coen, I think it was.

Together aluminum and mercury make a delicious spaghetti. Combine one part plane (at takeoff) with liquid metal to have a once in a lifetime dining experience later.

I dropped a grand piano on a man once and the result was decidedly unwhimsical.

From the sick mind of Eli Roth comes cerebrospinal fluid (he has been struck with meningitis)

This app is my I Wish I Was Dreaming Right Now Diary.

You recreate the effect of a straw by making the "OK" sign with your fingers over a beverage, then rapidly raising and lowering your hand while inhaling through your lips.

It's been an awkward year as someone who voted against Trump but for terrible authoritarian violence.

At last I have found the source of all evil: badness.

What about Jacob Grease-Mogg and he's sentient gammon drippings? Has this been done? Somebody get it to that Spitting Image revival's writer's room so they can make some excruciatingly middling satire out of it.

What a blunder! I drew a digital clock during my cognitive assessment, now I've been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder.

Somewhere Irvine Welsh just woke up with an idea about how to do a Filth graphic novel adaptation.

Help, my revolutionary and highly affordable sewage sans sanitation business has caused another outbreak. Maybe that & was more important than I thought.

If you get oral during your period you're on the Ragu.

People forget "periods, pregnancy, and childbirth should be as painful as possible" is a cross-denominational caucus among your slimier Christians. It doesn't explain everything or everyone's motivations, but it explains more than you might think.

If I were superstitious I would find having a dream of rapidly deployed, omnipresent ID checks the night before Trump talked about IDs for getting groceries spooky. My rational mind realizes that it comes from growing up with people who were doing some prurient projection about the mark of the beast

I've had to cancel my Thanksgiving plans because I'm kind of going insane and idk if this provider will even work out. I've been in the onboarding process for two months and most practices don't even bother responding to availability inquiries anymore.

Your vile sorceries may have won you the battle, villain, but I shall have the last laugh. I cast Wolves Eat Your Family!

"Alright you little bastards, next stop Sing-Sing, last stop hell!"

The next step after semen retention is semen detention. You gotta lock that jizz up. Life sentence, no parole.

Curious that Hashem happily exclaims "Nitzchuni banai!" when he is told to keep out of it, Rabbi, yet you as a non-pilot insist on telling me that a plane shouldn't be upside down for this long.

"Greta Thunberg is the Breyten Breytenbach of climate activism." I say as I wave goodbye and row away from shore before anyone has time to chew it over and ask me to elaborate.

It's grimly amusing how social anxiety gets the "sometimes it's okay to give yourself space" allowance, but if anything psychosis related slows you down for a second you're going to have a dozen jackasses with a constellation of letters after their name threatening you with a stint in brain jail.

The Monkey's Paw is merely teaching you that desire is the root of suffering in an unusually blunt manner.

Weird "we were on the wrong side WWII" chode calling Raymond Spruance a fancy lad as insult, only for him to calmly agree as a warship explodes in the distance.

I would never start a podcast. I'm using podbeams to forcibly transmit my mustard review show into people's brains.

God is dead. God 2 is still in the prototype stage, but shows promise.

It's been 24 days since I had a blood test to start treatment. The provider is now out for a week. I'm very unwell.

If fascism is the aestheticization of politics, the duel obsessions of politicizing and aestheticizing personal habits should be understood as fascistic impulses.

Dracula doesn't want you to know this, but if you bite a vampire first you become a vampire vampire, the vampire that feeds on vampires.

Hot singles in your area! If they do not cool off soon they will die!

I hope this email finds you in hell.

Vote blue no matter who if you want to get screwed, I guess.

May I suggest a running dive into an empty pool, Mr. Senator?

It's a good response, but the lonely quotation mark really pushes it into dril territory.

If you simply replace the pumpkins with other squash and put some turkey masks on your ghouls, your Halloween haunted house is now ready to run all the way through another holiday.

Birth, the loading screen of life.

Sweet bro and Hella Jeff "I warned you about rent seeking" edit, but it's a hydra of a thousand different people across time and the globe saying it.

Watchmen is a funnier graphic novel than people give it credit for, imo. Dr. Manhattan is a man whose midlife existential crisis is an actual existential crisis because of how much his existence has changed the world. It's a good gag.

"Empathy." "Decency." I know people don't want to sound like crackpot individualists, but the word you're looking for is responsibility. A functional society requires a citizenry that believes in personal and civic responsibilities. Betterment demands action, not signals.

Deeply alarming how many men I've known over the years who were sexually abused by adult women in their youth and often much earlier in life than that. I think there is a real misandry aimed at the young, who adults do have structural power over, enough so that I think it's an appropriate term.

Sadness over. I am angry. My honest advice is don't go to therapy. The science may be real, the industry is a fraud. Most psychologists I've tried are so bad at taking notes and remembering patients I've had to repeat the first session admin and inventories multiple times. As in three or four times

Medical bill payment platforms that charge you a premium to be able to pay your bills is some real heinous nonsense I'm sorry, but if you're in medicine and not seriously pushing back on this stuff, quit and go take a long walk off a short pier in whichever order you prefer.

Hot, fly infested November. I'm not loving it.

Quickly, adventurer, drink this melted caul fat to gain the intestines of a pig!

The spirits, they call to me. They're saying "don't make this post into a pun about alcoholism."

Shoji Tabuchi has heisted my most precious fiddles for the last time.

I feel like, with people being in higher spirits than usual, it's a good time to reveal I've been Weekend at Bernie-ing the corpse of Bob Avakian for the past twelve years. It may have gotten a little out of hand and over my head a few times.

I haven't been able to engineer a neutral grain spirit that's good for you, but I have succeeded in making a multivitamin that will make you profoundly ill.