Lovely 🙂‍↕️ I’m usually stuck in my ways with music but this just sounds divine.

I should vet films before I go and watch them. Thought I’d have a chill evening at the cinema only for it to be an intensely disconcerting 2 hours. 2 couples walked out.

Games with long introduction videos/sequences: please stop, let me play 😭 (This is targeted at Hyrule Warriors today)

“From cocktails to cock-rings all in one 24 hour period”. This is dreadful 😂

Rubbing my legs together like a silent cricket to warm up my bed

Searching for guides on how to work tech is miserable. What do you mean every website is written by AI that has been told to write it like a recipe, life backstory and all, only to say “you can’t do that actually”? 😭

Love me a bit of fog

Why do I have a single white eyebrow hair?! I’m meant to be in my early thirties 😭

You + your favourite Pokémon

no one: Orpheus:

People really are stooping low when they send out phishing SMS about winter fuel payments

Post someone who looks good in a hat 👒

Does anyone?

Why is looking after plants a constant battle? 😭 They’re always under-watered but also over-watered while simultaneously being in too little sunlight and too much sunlight.

Not Instagram having the option to get AI to rewrite a story response for you 🙃Let’s make communication less personal

Living my cottage-core fantasy: picking blackberries off the brambles growing over the car park wall. Haven’t given me the shits yet either 🥰

Crazy how one email can ruin your good mood after a long weekend 🫩

Not the Hayward Gallery selling a book about breathtaking architecture that’s full of AI-generated buildings 🙃

Dropped a drink on myself at a show and then someone spilled their coke on me on the tube. What is this karma from?

Anyone wanna go halvsies on the AliExpress mini excavator?

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Might fuck around and put on a jumper in my little basement office. Nature is healing 😌

Love waking up early for a potentially 7 am delivery only for it to be delayed at least an hour and a half

This should be a lush green colour 😧

Movie you’ve watched more than six times using gifs.

Make the most of the next week of sun. Just ordered outdoor furniture to arrive next week so it’s sure to be raining from then

First time driving an automatic was also my first time driving in central London 🥲

Got my fiber today by accidentally eating the paper on the bottom of a bun ✌️

Is there any better feeling than your legs cooking in the sun when you have forgotten to put on sunblock?

A very merry “I’m sorry I’m so sweaty, I was just on the tube” to all to celebrate 🥲

Why is there no unread filter on Instagram? Do they not want people to message on it? 😒

I was told this protein bar would be delicious. It was a lie.

Who knew that bowling too vigorously could damage your knee? Not me 🫩

To all the Switch 2 buyers, hope you have a wonderful day 😒

Can I come over and stare at you like this?

Mechanical keyboards in the office should be seen and not heard.

Rawdogging central London by forgetting my headphones when I went for an errand 🫩

Hello from me and my rapidly greying beard 🥲

My phone: “Howdy, your friend just finished a workout!” Me:

Happy Pride Month 2025 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Be gay do crow stuff #pridemonth #pridecrows

I tried to be good* and now I’m suffering for the cause** 🫩 *bought 12 eco-friendly rolls **they’re basically single-ply

I got my legs out for this?! 😭

The Pokémon that runs this account

Are bran flakes healthy or am I eating cardboard-flavoured cornflakes for nothing?

That was too close for comfort #eurovision

gays will be like “she saved my life” and it’s just the Xenomorph from Alien

Who’s your favourite Pokémon? Wrong answers only.

Playing the dangerous game of “Will I get a seat without a booking in a fully booked hot-desking office?” this morning

Spent an hour looking at penises at the Phallological Museum in honour of #fcf