Having a real Sophie’s choice this morning about what trousers to put on today

Introducing, the new Exacer-Bate

Just noticed Cher’s track name on my iPod has changed to, Yes I Did Turn Back Time. The crazy bitch finally did it!

Puff Diddy breaks down in Shirley Hughes story as Judge delivers sentence

Drive is the best R.E.M. tune Imitation of Life is the best R.E.M video

Your daily reminder that Orchid is Jago’s sister

Remember when everyone called Dr Frankenstein gay so he created a girlfriend out of old penises and the whole process from conception to completion and even down to how he sourced the penises was ultimately deemed very gay indeed

models freaking out about getting replaced by ai. I’m up for it, just to see the look on their faces. Ethereal and bored

Are zombie knives still banned? Thinking about getting a zombie knife

3 minutes on max crisp should do it

More than once I’ve been stopped in my tracks by Trevor McDonald’s leaking footage in the ITV shower room

Ip Man should open a burger joint called Ten Men

I don’t care what anyone else says, buying an ostrich burger from a pop up camper van IS a personality

Going to a Chinese/Portuguese place tonight. Getting the Bacalhau fritters then coconut crispy duck. Pure starving for this right now

Busted predicted melting of the icecaps and rising sea levels in their song Year 3000 I feel there may be a young Brian Cox in the making among them

What’s your favourite Denby collaboration? For me it has to be the James Martin ‘30th anniversary’ eggs en cocotte ramekins in pure white. Just unassailable

Heard your boyfriend has done another charcoal drawing of Shed Seven

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight Excuse me while I go for a shite Mmmn mmmn hnrrrrrngh

I would 100% choose a simping Kristen Scott Thomas over the coarse American Andie MacDowell

I’ve written a book on the Rhythm Method called It’s About Shagging Time

Name a better computer games compilation than this. I’ll wait

Hate living next to Zoe Ball. Every time she has sex I can hear her through the walls shouting ‘Oh this is just so amazing, this is so so good’

Just watched the latest episode of Blossom. Tony is using again fml

Sometimes I push the button on the Nespresso machine before I’ve even found a cup!

They can take my Tylenol when they pry it from my cold obsessive son

Apparently lots of people neglect to wash their belly buttons properly and they become a bit smelly. This could never be me

If they release 99 red balloons into the summer sky, we send out 103!

If I was a celebrity I’d take out a super-injunction on the media reporting my death. If Ken Hom is still alive that’s got nowt to do with you mate

The biggest grooming gang is the media and if you have bought a flag recently you are a victim

Me hiding from the rapture

And after all, aren’t we all just Kevin Bacon’s uncle’s driving instructor’s cell mate’s kidney donor’s girlfriend’s co-worker’s hitman’s catfish?

Life of Pi but it’s a dog on a bus

On a scale of boyz to men where abouts on the road are you?

Ice road trucking is now one of the safest industries to work in since they brought in the new legislation

Oh you like Avicii? Name me 5 of his albums

You might live in my head rent free but It’s no pets allowed sorry

Will work for cash

Yeah I’m LGBT Little Goat Beside T-Rex

La Roux by La Roux low key makes my eyes wet

I always knew them from the estate as little Craig and David Gray. Always getting into trouble. You of course, know them as Jedward

Curiosity Hit The Missus

Can’t have that complete London’s Burning 12 DVD set on the shelf anymore. Thanks John, what am I supposed to fill the gap with, expanding foam?

Mate, another shrimp has been popped on the barbie

Super excited for this weekends Intervision Song Contest. Party at mine as per usual. Boys only

Jim’ll Kim’ll

Imagine Tim Minchin and Tom Kitchin spit roasting Mick Hucknall. What’s going on there then?

Just treated myself to one of these bad boys

Just ordered a new solar panel for my sex machine

Warning: Coco Pops may turn milk chocolatey

No one remembers Gleaming The Cube had a sequel called Feeling the Pinch where they did away with skateboards and got deep into crab juggling