Not really getting a hit off these freedom fries anymore. Have they changed the recipe?

When I’m with a girl I don’t know wether to be funny or just good looking

Did you hear about the 2 Mexican firefighters? Jose and Manuel Ladder Safety Override?

I’m not feeling funny this morning so instead I will just be posting slice of life content today

British men today will never be as strong as the previous generations. My grandad lied about his age because he was desperate to fight for his country and join the war effort. Their sending him to Qatar tomorrow

Guys I’m just nipping out for a bit to put a crepe bow round the white neck of a public dove. No idea how long I’ll be it sounds tricky as fuck

Going to work today dressed as the fox who passed 3 sleeping hobbits in The Shire and thought ‘wtaf?’

Actually on a bit of Christmas pudding right now that’s been haunting my kitchen for 3 months

The cast for the British SNL is a veritable who’s who of who the fucks that?

Fat ones, short ones, skinny ones and tall ones. Can you think of any other ones?

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but Dad, your a fat wanker

Maybe we got the wrong Davidson. Was Jim at the baftas?

Imagine if Les Dawson had hosted The Wheel and he slid off the side everytime it spun

Everytime I go into the butcher to buy those meat wrapped around meat things they have always been reserved by a lady simply known as Beef Olive

Everyone remembers Steve Cram’s Start cereal but who remembers Julian Pettifers Hoop Dreams?

While everyone was busy talking about world war three, it occurred to me; should I be focussing on world war me?

Fan theory. ALL the episodes of Blossom were ‘very special’

he can’t be here this evening. The winner is… #TheBritAwards

Neil Beforeyourmaka more like

Nearly choked to death there on a heaped tablespoon of peanut butter. The 2nd tablespoon was a similar affair

If I had Tourette’s I’d 100% be saying all the big ones

Lovely presentation, it’s like a wet fart

Not sure if this is what people are doing?

I play a game when I’m out walking. I choose a tree and subtract its age from my age. If this takes me to below 0 then I will die. I never get to find out the results.

Never stop licking, never stop licking out Linda, licking lovely Linda 🎶

For me growing up there was only two routes out of our town. You either went to the Juilliard School of Performing Arts or the Darts Academy.

Steven Spielberg looks like all the Golden Girls at the same time. #bafta

Fucks sake the solar lights in the backies are back on. Been like 9 months

Saw a guy walk out his house this morning wearing the full curling get-up. T-shirt, trousers, black shoes, the lot. Probably cost a fortune. I give it a week

If there wasn’t horse in your glue you would also be first to complain

What I think is, is that a lot of people don’t know how to what is the area of the surface of a sphere and it’s showing

A lot of nutters out tonight. Just be careful. They like me but I can’t guarantee they will feel the same about you

What’s the deal here? Am I supporting ICE by hating Bono? Bono why are you making me choose?!

Shaite

I imagine the Commodore 64 game for Small Prophets would involve a Pipemania style dynamic with elements of Tapper where you fill jars. Then tandem bike riding section (top down) where inexplicably you have to avoid prams even though there were no prams in the series

Oh that doesn’t look safe at all

If hotels really wanted you to not smoke in their rooms they would stop leaving a complimentary shower cap in the bathroom

Kate Bush has an ankle tattoo that says ‘Dads ‘n Lads’

Actually the figure skating is quite gay when you think about it

Will YOU be my valentine?

Roses are red Babies are fat

Opening a barbershop called ‘Dodged a Mullet’

I’ve left it too late to have a tactical wank. It would only work against me now

About to have a post-haircut shower as is every man’s right

Less Dawson more like

It doesn’t matter how many diets I try I always end up back at my original weight, 8lb 3oz

Germoline is short for Gerroffmymoline

Saying “well yes” with the same enthusiasm Americans reserve for saying “HELL YEAH!”

Will I understand Small Prophets if I haven’t already seen Whimsy Mcwhimsy in the Tra Lah Lah Lah Gardens?