Starting a girl punk band called The Frigarettes. Deal with it!

and for the 2nd time this evening I’ve been humbled by my own grace. Quite possibly the first to ever do it

Now that cigarettes are back in fashion I don’t think gen Z kids are fully prepared for the amount of pussy that’s going to be dripping off them

When you see it yul shit bricks

Mad to think Dara Ó Briain and Brian Cox were probably there filming at the time of the launch but we won’t get to hear about it till the BBC tell us they’re going to be showing it to us

Accidentally unplugging your fridge is not the flex you think it is

If you have grandkids I’m sorry but you can no longer call your arsehole a ‘boy pussy’ what you have sir is a ‘grussy’

Imagine if Sean Maguire dropped a 3rd album right now. What’s this about Sean? Where has this come from? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

you’ve heard of friends with benefits now get ready for

An old rude drag queen called Withering Barb

He/Hath

I’m a barbershop quadruplet. It’s quite different

Oh you don’t like Jesus but you Will still eat his eggs. Okay?

The waistband is tearing away on my favourite boxers. I give them less than a year

In Africa aren’t I

Wearing glasses today like some sort of speccy cunt

We’d all like to say that the whole Covid media circus created a monster in Chris Whitty but no, apparently he’s ‘always’ looked like that

KT Tunstall records the sound of herself taking a shit and leaves it playing through a looping pedal before she goes on holiday to deter burglars

I’m offering an Easter egg rolling service. I’ll come to your house, pick them up, take them to the park then bring them back all rolled. The video package is not inexpensive

I want a movie that’s just one big montage. It starts mid montage and finishes before the end of the montage. No explanations. Just a guy soldering fish for 2hr40. I hope he got what he needed

Turned down a part in the Tetris movie because I never got any lines. I said I never got any lines!

How the fuck are the 3 bears managing to serve up porridge at 3 different temperatures? Are they running 3 fucking hobs on this?

Mad that Irish people celebrate St Patrick’s Day even though he was well known to be a wife-beating drunk.

Named my dog Coconut because she’s hairy on the outside and liquid in the middle

Thinking about all the different kinds of mum’s today. Fat ones, skinny ones, short ones, long ones

The Yips is my favourite non dangerous ailment. Just sounds so funny. You could give yourself the yips even just thinking about it. Dartitis is serious though. Wouldn’t wish that on anyone

The names Bond, James Bond What are you, some sort of binding agent?

If the wargs didn’t enjoy it why would they keep biting the dwarves even after the orcs have fallen off?

Went to Club Tropicana last year and they’ve changed it now so it’s just ‘Kids eat for free!’ and you have to pay for drinks. Avoid!

Was there anything The Early Learning Center wouldn’t try to recreate using just wood and magnets?

He’s done it again

Lovely touch on the ball

🎶 11 hours to go oh whoa oh whoa, Oh yes we’re nearing the end of…

The main reason women hate you pissing in the kitchen sink is jealousy, pure and simple

3 dogs have died on the blind ski jump. One of them is British

Rik Mayall is probably up there now looking down on Dannii Minogue

2018 experimenting with my kids cosplay wig

Whut now motherfuckers whut?

24 You take the trail marked on your father’s map. The firefly dance intensifies. They appear to be coming from an old treehouse. As you twitch in the barley, lungs filling with insects you can’t help but notice how pretty the moon seems tonight

ITV should make Catchphrase with proper actors. None of this computer shit. Toby Jones would be wonderful as Mr Chips

Remember when the names of vibrators actually meant something? Proper names like Squirmy Rooter or Tub Slupper. You knew what they were for! Now they are all called some gay ass shit like Violet Desire or Sonorous Siren 🤷‍♀️

Not really getting a hit off these freedom fries anymore. Have they changed the recipe?

When I’m with a girl I don’t know wether to be funny or just good looking

Did you hear about the 2 Mexican firefighters? Jose and Manuel Ladder Safety Override?

I’m not feeling funny this morning so instead I will just be posting slice of life content today

British men today will never be as strong as the previous generations. My grandad lied about his age because he was desperate to fight for his country and join the war effort. Their sending him to Qatar tomorrow

Guys I’m just nipping out for a bit to put a crepe bow round the white neck of a public dove. No idea how long I’ll be it sounds tricky as fuck