spider what i done took a photygraph of

I haven't been keeping up with the story of the little monkey with a stuffed toy or whatever but I just found out that its name is Punch. All the headlines make a lot more sense now, I thought it was about animal abuse

incel Barenaked Ladies: um basicawwy I'm da kind of guy who you could say uhh.....waughs.....at a funewal

Been playing Final Fantasy X so much that I've got a rash Call that dermatidus

Hey bud, great that you understand what I'm telling you and that you're taking it all on board but I gotta ask: who is Julie? Can it not just be you who considers my points to be noted? Let's leave her out of it next time

- Uh uh uh, put your wallets away. I'll pay for dinner. I recently came into some money. - Dude gross what the fuck i don't think they'll accept those notes at the counter

Hey man I spilled my drink, do you have something i can mop this up with? (an owl with breasts appears) Hmm i get it but this doesn't help me at all

World's biggest Terminator fan walks into the ubiquitous retailer that specialises in overpriced cubes of uniquely flavoured loose leaf tea, leaves bitterly disappointed but nonetheless keen to try a cuppa lemon cheesecake

Come on buddy you can't be out AND about Which is it

They did a second season of Wednesday? Ha! They should've called it Thur- I awaken at the Pearly Gates. The warm embrace of St. Peter greets me. "My son," he says, "that was a shit bit. This is for your own good". Before I can speak, he slaps me and banishes me straight to Hell.

Train announcer just sang "What can I saayyyy except it's Wilston, platform is onnn the riiight"

hey man sorry but you can't come to my party this time, we know it was you who put the Berocca in the toilet at the last one. I don't care if it was for "research"

to compare a werewolf to moss is to liken a lycan to lichen

if Salon is so good then how come th-

just helped a lady at the bus stop figure out how to get to her destination and then she started watching an AI music video on her giant Apple phone that sounded like Weird Al Yankovic singing a duet with Britney Spears but they were both singing in Filipino

if you're after a good cringefest, check out the reply guys on all of Charli xcx's Letterboxd reviews

I love it when a customer asks if we're open on Christmas because it gives a unique and invaluable insight into how the mind of a complete dullard operates No we're not open on Christmas you fuckwit

"Chimp" is actually an abbreviated portmanteau of "cheeky imp" and not many people know this or are too afraid to admit that they do

deathcore cover of James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover": (guttural) GOODBOIYE MOUY LOVORRRR GOODBOIYE MOUY (piggy) FRIEEEEEND (guttural again) YOUW HUV BUHN TH ONE (speaking) you have been the one for (cymbal crash x2) (piggy) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

man these are getting too real

Really feelin SBGPO today (SpongeBob Big Guy Pants Okay)

"Holy infant, so tender and mild" Why, in classic Christmas carol 'Silent Night', are we describing little baby Jesus like we are going to eat him

I was named after my father. We have different names, he was just born way before me.

Ariana Grande actually means "big spider"

saw a labubu on someone's handbag today for the first time in months. These degenerates still walk among us

there is a song that plays multiple times a day on the in-store playlist at work that is so fucking annoying but so irritatingly catchy i hate it so much it won't leave my mind. It repeatedly says "Karma is my boyfriend" and i assume that is the title, and from there i assume it is by Taylor Swift

Mega Feraligatr.......how could they do this....

Every fresh tube of toothpaste is a new beginning. "Maybe this one won't get a crusty plug of dried gunk towards the end of its life cycle" I say, optimistic yet cautious. Filled with hope, I squeeze a portion onto the bristles of my brush and get to work. This one's for you, Dick Cheney.

BREAKING: Tea Towel Thrown On Floor To Quickly Mop Up Small Spill Likely To Stay There A While Sources close to the story say that they are "Waiting for it to dry".

shaved my beard for the first time in months and now that i am almost clean shaven i am realising that i have developed a stim where i chew on my moustache, which makes me look like a lunatic now that there isn't really a moustache there anymore

Dad is getting some serious melanomas dealt with on his schnoz. I asked him if any of the doctors nose what the issue is, and if he gets any time off work before he has to go back to the ol' factory. Boom boom

caught a glimpse of the phone screen of the guy in front of me on the bus and the cunt was talking to ChatGPT - these people exist in the world man there are losers everywhere, they like to pose as real human beings but do not be fooled. You might even know some of them

have you seen the video of a fly doing that thing where it rubs its eyes like a normal fly but the poor bastard's little head comes clean off and it keeps rubbing its eyes while not initially realising that it's holding its entire god damn head and then the rubbing slows down and it fucking dies

what if Scooby-Doo was just doing a racist Asian accent the whole time

some cool animal OCs i came up with just now: Ephraim the Slow Loris Felicity the Binturong Duncan the Siamang Sonic the Hedgehog Knuckles the Echidna Lester the Ocelot Hector the Evil Fucked Up Small Dog Gertrude the Tarantula Hawk Spider Wasp

cryptid or SCP idea: fast loris

i would never allow harm to come to a slow loris

me: so KoЯn's greatest hits album starts with two cover songs, why do you think that is? my therapist, who looks like Calista Flockhart: eu mah brrrr ra da mmba eeeeenba brrr rat da nnda enda boo..rata teek um blura brrrr ra..duck ba dingo ba bitty ah ta freeta beeta ooh ra subuh dee ma ooh rrrr eh

Safdie bros porn parody featuring trans twinks call that Uncut Femmes

saw Jurassic World: Rebirth

havin Korean for dinner tonight gettin jjigae with it

the baby industry is fucking predatory and evil as hell - cots do not come with a mattress, like yeah man I'm just gonna tuck the bub in on wooden slats. Anything they can charge extra for, they will. Any vital component will be sold separately. Capitalism! It's like if shoes didn't come with laces

why does Mr. Fantastic not have the white collar on his costume in the new movie when the other three all have it and why does it hurt when i pee

Nooooo!!!!!!! Crash Bandicoot!!!!! Don't spin that crate!!!! The wumpa fruit yield will be far greater if you bounce on it crazy style!!!!!! Craaaaaassshhh!!!!!

I am the way that I am because I saw the music video for Basement Jaxx's 2001 smash hit "Where's Your Head At" when I was 9 years old and it kind of fucked me up forever

they want me to go down to the station and identify the guy who yelled "FUCK YA CHICKEN STRIPS" at me from a moving car

"Hey dude i really gotta go to the can, I'm touching cloth here" "Come on we were just about to tie our large boat onto the dock using ancient seafaring rope tying techniques" "I shit you knot!" Hi, we've had a lot of fun here today, but the art of intentional complication in cordage is no joke.

placenta.....play centre..........open your eyes sheeple