I’m a very serious film critic

Instead of a boring new version of “Wuthering Heights” they should really be making “The Muppet’s Wuthering Heights”. In fact, more classics should be made into Muppet movies. The Muppet’s Pride and Prejudice. The Muppet’s Scarlet Letter. The Muppet’s Haunting of Hill House.

One thing they don’t really tell you is that you can call a group of animals anything you want. For example, you could say a “snarl of wolves” instead of a “pack of wolves” and the wolves literally wouldn’t care.

The wind is howling outside my window tonight and, honestly, shut up

Whoever it was at Michelin that decided the mascot should be a man made out of tires was a sick freak

I told her I wouldn’t give her any more treats this morning until at least some of the food that’s piling up in her dish has been eaten

How old were you when you first found out that “The Flying Purple People Eater” was based on pelicans and their tendency to gobble people up in their throaty pouches and swallow them whole? I was today years old when I made it up.

(from the other room) Siri, can you come here for a minute???

I asked a customer for a video showing what’s happening so I can review and let him know what it would cost for service and he replied “No video is necessary” Sure. No service is necessary either.

Turn around (YAYUHH) Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming ‘round Turn around (OHKAAAAAY) Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears (YAYUHH)

“The Haunting of Hill House” is my favourite show ever of all time and I’ve watched it every October since it came out except this past one and the little piano motif that plays throughout it is one of the only things I consistently play and didn’t write myself

It’s really rude that nobody thought to bring doughnuts into the office on the very day that I would randomly crave a doughnut.

What did those lakes even do that was so great anyway?

Were you a star or an angel kind of family?

Christmas, or as rich people call it, “spooky season”

Today on How It’s Made: a shelf from Amazon

“If they gave a prize for being mean, the winner would be him,” and then throughout the movie Scrooge is actually a lot nicer than like 90% of customers you deal with during the holidays

Not to be controversial but 4 and 20 blackbirds is far too much for one pie

The only thing I’ve ever hosted was a virus

Efficient snow removal: one of Canada’s greatest unsolved mysteries

Always finding this one under cover like some secret agent

I want every gay to know that their voice is hot and I love to hear them speak and I want them to speak even gayer (if they want, no presh)

Zoë cannot be trusted. Do not turn your back on her.

An evil little man building a house in your sinus cavity? It’s more likely than you’d think

My controversial opinion? Ben and Glory? Same person.

Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.

“A Christmas Carol” but it’s about a boomer named Carol who’s haunted by 3-4 ghosts trying to teach her that there actually is no war on Christmas and maybe she should tone down her decorating a notch

“Surely, whoever speaks to me in the right voice, him or her I shall follow, as the waters follow the moon, silently, with fluid steps, anywhere around the globe.”

Me in the back of this uber right now

She decided this was comfier than laying beside me

Lying is my love language

Good morning to everyone but especially to this little girl who was SO good this morning and only meowed a couple of times and stopped when she was asked. I’m so proud of her 😭

J.K. Rowling is this generation’s Anita Bryant

Felicity Jones can play in whatever she wants but she’ll always just be Ethel Hallow from television’s “Worst Witch”

I hate how every time I take my hair down from a ponytail some dude shows up out of nowhere to tell me he never noticed how beautiful I was until now

Customers really should learn that if I say “No, that is not a service we offer,” that means, “No, that is not a service we offer,” and not “if you keep asking it’ll change my mind”

Criterion 4K available now.

Franklin could count by twos and tie his shoes, he could zipper zippers and button buttons. But Franklin was a war criminal.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart And the very next day it drove you mad with its incessant beating beneath your floorboards

I guess it’s winter now so I have to walk around feeling like Mr Staypuft 😔

Calling shows that aired when I was a kid “Classic TV” seems unnecessarily hateful and pointed

“The Muppet’s Christmas Carol” and “Beauty and the Beast” basically start with the same musical scene

If you know, you know. That’s how knowing works.

Me rising up like an eldritch deity being summoned from the depths

parsley, sage, rosemary, *and* thyme? you better believe it

I could never. I’m always talking out loud to myself. My thoughts are much more focused if I’m speaking than if I just let them rattle around my skull all willy-nilly.

Getting Malibu Barbie for Christmas instead of Ballerina Barbie. It could happen to you.

My issue with Glen Powell is that he looks like AI tried to make a conventionally attractive white man and it ended up in the uncanny valley and something’s off about it but you can’t pinpoint what Anyway, loved him in Scream Queens