The ones who tell the lies are the solemnest to swear And the ones who roll the dice always say the game is fair And the ones who deal the cards are the ones who take the tricks With their hands over their hearts while we play the game they fix (Hadestown)

I thought this said “SQUID” at first and, to be honest, I was a lot more interested in it back then

I see your resting bitch face and raise you my resting bitch voice

Now we know his nightly ritual but how does he feel about the election?

One thing (besides literally everything) I hate about customer service is how when you don’t tell them exactly what they want to hear, they keep repeating themselves as if that’ll change your answer.

It’s a full moon so I expect customers will be acting just the same as they always do

(to the tune of Eleanor Rigby) 🎶socialist muslim🎶

gay men who are scared of femininity give me the biggest ICKKKK

Food is a luxury item these days

Look, we’ve all been there

There’s no use crying over smashed pumpkins

Come in, Father, for I have sinned

Well, healing is slow, it comes and it goes A glimpse of the sun and then a flurry of snow The first green shoots and a sudden frost Oh, something is gained and something is lost

He wore a mask! It was a monster mask!

Miracles are often inconvenient and a prayer is a spell

For Halloween, I’m going to be drunk

Just watching Welcome to Derry. If this is what The Troubles were like no wonder everyone was so upset. Love a documentary, me x

That’s all she wrote (murder)

Sometimes I miss being on drugs (escitalopram)

Melissa is such a hurricane name

Maybe if everyone would have listened to Fiona Apple at the 1997 VMAs we wouldn’t be in this mess

“Oh hold on, this is not the right song for this moment.” Me right before getting murdered

All Dougs Go to Kevin

Everyone’s in their villain era but I’m in my final girl era

Weapons and Bring Her Back were probably my top two horror films of the year

I would say about 90% of customer don’t have the faintest clue what they’re talking about but that 90% sure as hell think they do and won’t hear otherwise and they make my job 1000x more difficult than it needs to be for both of us.

Customer: I guess I’m calling to talk to Brónagh but I’ll talk to anybody. Me: Well, you’re in luck because I actually am both of those things.

Canadian Geese are just swans wearing business casual

Hi, I’m so sorry but I can’t make it into the office today because my cat is being extra cuddly this morning. You understand, I’m sure.

And it’s coming along fabulously, thank you so much for asking 🥰

A psychic told me at the start of the month that I’d get a fruitful proposition from a dark haired man by the end of October and, so far, it’s been a really long time since I’ve been propositioned by any man at all. Find out why APAB in this video!!!

gm bloomfies

Or falling from a 4th story window when you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time

You’ve got a week, gay dudes. Chop chop.

Sure, it would be nice to go on a date with some cute moustache but I don’t even know if I know the rules anymore. Like, which one of us pays? Do we split the bill? Can I get him wet? Can I feed him after midnight?

you’re telling me a clock worked this orange???

I’d probably be fine with an 8-inch honestly

What’s your favourite side of the binoculars? Close or far?

Submitted for the approval of the dumb pig on the phone, I call this the case of the missing 85%

The Indiegogo campaign for my new audio drama "Librarian" is now live! We've got some fantastic perks lined up: behind-the-scenes content, digital/physical art, and even the chance to have a character named after you! www.indiegogo.com/en/projects/...

“Charlotte’s Web” is the heartwarming children’s story about a man taking credit for a woman’s work

Why do old ladies in churches always sing like that?

If I could not get a migraine at work where it’s all fluorescent lights and computer screens, that would be very much appreciated, thank you 🥰

For a good price though?

Indiegogo kind of screwed me, but that doesn't mean this ship is sunk!

And a pretty little liar too

This is my daughter, Quin. It’s short for Quincunx.

My coworker is chewing - no, not chewing, POPPING - her gum right now and istg she has it coming

“Alice Isn’t Dead”, part 2 episode 3: Abandoned Places

Isn’t that where SpongeBob lives?