Sorry I'm late to work, there was so much traffic on my commute to the home office this morning

*insulting a white collar urbanite* Yer just a no-good, slack-brained yuppie!

If you want women's steel caps, you can have any colour you want so long as it's PINK

French girl addressing her wound "La boo-boo"

In order to verify that you've been really really good this year, Santa now requires 3+ signed character references

Business card but it's actually just a cute sticker, with your contact details printed on the backing. No use for my card? Enjoy the free art!

Thank you little funny blotter tabs

If your opponent doesn't return your serve that means they left you on delivered 🏸

It's really easy to bypass a firewall. Instead of using a default route, use an escape route instead

Network jitter is actually just your appliance stuttering. The retransmitted packets give it the same cadence: T-too m-ma-many p-packets >~<

mrrreow:3

Clown tgirl who gets insecure over her size 18 shoes

She's not narcoleptic she's nekoleptic 🐈 (prone to cat naps and big stretches)

I added icing!

If you were a garden I'd pull out the stakes Wild and ugly Thorny growths split brick Impossible to traverse You wilt under your own wait A ravenous thirst To obliterate worst laid plans More than it's worth to fix Let's throw it all in the skip I'm sick of struggling To keep you sick

Australian localized version of Duvet by Boa called Doona

Bush Tucker is the Aussie slang version of carpet muncher

I gotta get my funny up I gotta get my funny up I gotta get my funny up I gotta get my funny up I gotta get my-

The TV, I saw, I saw it uhhh, flouresce

The only meaningful consumer item to have dropped significantly in cost over the last 10 years is 50"+ TVs

hello friend. last night i sent you a short form video in the private message function of three seperate apps. good luck heart reacting all of them in time. your life depends on it.

At the earwax removal clinic and the receptionist wouldn't speak up when I couldn't hear her 🥹

Getting schlorped and grappled by the university robotics team

The details of desire diminish When wanton wants are wrought Misdirection misses the mark So think thoroughly about thy thought

The cloud is not on the sky But it is in the air It lives under your feet And follows you there When you travel the streets As long as you're near To it's silent heartbeat It listens and speaks

My girlfriend claims I force-felined her Let the record state I never forced her to do anything. She joined me of her own free will

*smoking a Costco sized joint* so like yeah bulk consumerism is ruining society

Glue tunes, also known as post horsecore

Went on the heroes journey (went home from work and did nothing) and restored peace to the land (reminded myself I'm more than an employee)

My mind is a palace of problems, with a court of cortisol, serving a desperate despot

(discussing a jigsaw puzzle) I know the pieces fit Cause I watched them fall away

Smartphone keyboards are hidden as their default state. This reveals their consumption first mentality

Cell towers are actually just giant digital leashpoles if you get antsy out of reception then you're basically collared

I want a DC-side view. I want to wander through co-locations; through the blades of bare metal

Critical support to Alan Parsons for doing some of the best sound engineering work in the industry, with names like Pink Floyd and the Beatles and Steven Wilson, and then promptly retreating to a mountaintop evil villain lair / recording studio

I need to be vaccinated from my brain fog

Post Post post Post

I love my car. She treats me really well I feel like a special girl. Florence gets me where I need to go and she purrs along while doing it. Everyone say thank you Florence

Girl comes around, tries to RENAME all my plushies The disrespect

Trains are constructive because they move passengers in unison. One direction, a predestination, a divine estimation of population fencing

Sorry little Timmy, no more screen time today. We sold it to the neighbors to help offset their digital footprint

Idea: A short story framed as a translation of a fictitious work where the translator has taken some obvious liberties and made some heavily opinionated choices on behalf of the author

Entirely viable, this is actually how most industrial infrastructure already operates Traffic light controllers are still made today that use 90s era Pentium class CPUs Most spacecraft use the same 200MHz RAD750 CPU released in 2001

Put googley eyes on your washing machine

"Molex to SATA, lose all your data" irks me because I pronounce them sah-tah and day-tah and it breaks the rhyme

3D printed shoes are just the world reinventing clogs out of plastic

Post pebble smartwatch wishlist 🧵

IoT devices are just cybersecurity lootboxes