[Psychotherapy] My therapist is back from his vacation, so we are back with our regular scheduled programm. This sessions result is that I'm gonna try and not just shush my subconsciousness but try and explain why things need to be done. A huge problem I have is that I dont have any control […]

[Self hosted rambling] Grrrr, my VPS is running out of ram. and the provider wants like +8€ per month for 8g of ram, which would leave quite some headroom. Could also use that opportunity to grab two more CPU cores... thing is, with the 14ish euro im at with that amount, i might just look […]

[Caffeinated lewd rambling] Biblical porn parodies: Bunch of furries in an ark having am orgy, and whenever noah comes to check on the noise they act like nothing happened and hide in the silliest ways possible Like "guy standing in corner with a lampshade on his head" levels of hiding

Fucking love the mechwarrior community. Just had a great encounter with a handful of angry trashcans

Aliexpress out there with the real shopping experience

Who up choking they hole

[Mh-, disassociation] The mirror shows someone else. I know that the mirror shows me. The person in the mirror is wearing the same clothes as me, follows my every movement. Yet something inside me tells me that that is not me. It's face is void of any emotion, like a video game character […]

I may or may not have forgotten to sleep. However, my mandalay now has a jump range of ~75 lightyears

She [connecting to programmer] on my [Upload port found on COM5] until I [9612 bytes of flash written] extremely loud [Avrdude done. Thank you.]

[Ever so slight mh-, psychiatry] My appointment was at 1100. My calendar even said 1100. So why the fuck does my mind say 1130? I could have easily get going a bit earlier Hell, last time the psych was 20 minutes late, so with me showing up at 1115, there would have been a non zero chance […]

Who up changeing they line

[Partial Selfie] Well, thats an experience. Getting changed in an ICE bathroom while it goes 100km/h and swings and bobs. Surprisingly doable though

[Mh--, withdrawal?, apathy] What even am I? Without a cocktail of hormones and meds id probably either be dead or a completely apathetic thing It feels like my entire existence consists of waiting Waiting until I get a reply to my application Waiting until I have the energy to do something […]

Bezier Curves fucking slap

[Psychiatry] In the psych waiting room, vibing to the atmospheric piano music. Feels like an irl phone queue

[Weird flex] Got a new oven, with hot air and without any apps

[Therapy, on Traumas] Session done. Today was a bit of a blur of topics. Main takeaway is that my distrust towards doctors might be rooted in my relationship with my father. At least partially. Also slowly letting my subconsciousness take control in certain situations. Even if thats scary and […]

[Therapy, kink] Another session done Today a variety of topics, mostly focused on relationships and interactions with others. Also happened to come across kink as a topic, my therapist handled that quite professionally so not as awkward at all. While I made a lot of progress in how much I […]

[Northern lights posting]

[Therapy, on phonecalls] Phonecalls are scary. Like really scary. Its worse if i dont know the person im calling, and horrible if its an institution or something official. Today's therapy topic was finding possible reasons why that is so Its not fully clear whether its a traumatic […]

[Linuxposting? Moving on past windows] Two steps forward, one step back is still progress One more step towards moving away from windows, my goto CAD program has a browser version. Its not ideal, but it will do for now. In the long term i want to get away from Fusion360 with all its cloud […]

Who up prüfing they Parteien

[Small rant on public transport] "Aufgrund der aktuellen Wetterbedingungen..." my ass Woe is us, who could have predicted snowfall in winter The argument with too few snow plow trains is also not that strong, considering that the hvv could just buy more instead of paying obscene bonuses to […]

[Sexual rambling, meds, mh+?] Started taking adhd meds again because I had a bit of a hard time getting back into my uni routine. Spent the day with that warm feeling in my chest and thinking about nothing. However, now three things are overlapping. I took prog so my libido is a bit […]

Grmbl, the lecture hall is just a bit too cold to be comfy and for some reason the ventilation system is pumping in even more cold air

@guserav Youve got (chaos) mail! Are you still at congress? I tried reaching your dect but i cant seem to get through.

Scissoring? At #39c3 ? Its more likely than you think!

Boarded the ice, spotted at least one congressgoer :puppyX3:

[Trainposting] Hanover S5 review Pro: -lots of seats -free wifi -relatively quiet Cons: -very little legroom (for me at least) -bit stuffy inside

[Deadnaming] Current idea: button that plays the duolingo mistake sound effect. Press it every time i get deadnamed until they get it right

[Alcohol] Ah, the ancient christmas tradition to start a political discussion and then get drunk and watch die hard or drei Nüsse für Aschenputtel

[Domestic violence?] Just woke up to the sound of something slamming into the shared wall with my neighbour. A solid thud, and the sound of something shattering as if someone threw a plate or some heavy ceramic against the wall Now I can hear a cop asking my neighbour and his guest(?) about […]

Grmbl, I'm trying to solve a riddle but it results in 6^26 solutions and I dont have the computing power to brute force it There is some optimization i could skip due to me not accounting for it being bijective but I'm too stupid to implement that in code And the due date is midnight aaaaaaah

[Slight rant] My mom keeps sending me videos of dubios tips to live with adhd. Suuure eating before sleeping is a super life hack and only applies to people with adhd, thats not just food coma that makes you sleep better noooo And it is definetly because its protein rich food and not because […]

[mh+, discussion of mh- in positive context] Two more things this week. My tendency to cope with humour might be somewhat inherited from my mother. She also does that. The other thing is that my intrusive thoughts may only partially be powered by traumatic memories. Its more likely that I […]

[Mh--, mh+, multiple topics that are likely triggers, vent, hope?] A thing that my therapist and I worked out is that I'm not in a great relationship with my subconsciousness. So i tried listening to it some more. Giving it what it asks for asmr caring for it like for a traumatised child. In […]

I hope this was the right decision...

[Discussion of mh-- and suicidality] Another sitting done, bit heavier today The past few days I felt the apathy slowly crawl back in. Skipping chores and uni and being unproductive Just lying in bed and yelling at my subconsciousness that no, killing myself is not an option. The question […]

EMAIL WRAPPED 2025 This year, you received too fucking much email! Number of emails that found you well: zero Number of emails that you printed, even though you didn't consider the environment: zero Number of times an "out of office" autoresponder was immediately followed by the person […]

[Discussion of mh, psychotherapy] Weekly sitting done. Today's topic: passing on my needs and avoiding them in favor of keeping the status quo. I might have started to "hide" my needs somewhere in my childhood because I perceived them as too much to burden other people with them. Also kinda […]

[Discussion of mh- in a positive context, psychotherapy, antidepressants] Another sitting done, today's topic: my relationship with my parents and how it affects me today Both my parents had to be somewhat self sufficient from an early age Current hypothesis is that them projecting that onto […]

[Food] I ate too much onion rice, if I take very deep breaths I can feel the skin on my torso stretch What does the lizard do in this situation you ask? Heating mat and hibernation

Aeurg, when am I? Why am I awake, I should be sleeping

[Mh+, psychiatrist] Uuuuh so i just had a call The psych with the 8 months waitlist called I have an appointment in late January now Things are starting to move, i have antidepressants (which should kick in right before spending Christmas with my family) and an appointment A nice outlook […]

[Mh±] I finally got some happy pills Broke down crying in front of my father Buuuut my parents might pay for an adhd diagnosis :puppyX3:

Mfw the psychiatrist makes the appointment at 1200 only to have me fill in a questionnaire for 5 min and then let me wait until 1230 for the actual appointment to begin

[Slight rant on linux, trying pop os] Everytime I try Linux again and eventually run into a problem, be it convenience or necessity, the solution is either: "Just go into /etc/arg/var/fee/foo/fum and edit the config file in there to adjust screen brightness" "There is a tool for that, just […]

[mh-, ph-?] the small shadows are dancing at the edge of my vision its just one for now, black, and shaped like a silverfish it plays with a small white spark, like yin and yang im cold sugar, caffeine, fats and amphetamines slosh around in my stomach blood sugar looks good for now a sort […]

[Scheißepfosten, meat] I was enlightened after my flatmate made a great veggie goulash