I don’t think I’ve ever had a bumper sticker on my actual bumper but I’m thinking of getting one that says something like “I don’t care if you think I’m driving slow, my dog wants to sniff”

We’re going on two months since The Heart Incident and the hospital is still finding things to bill me for

The cavalier behavior of squirrels around my warrior princess dog makes me think they have gotten too cocky and I should release her to eat a few and thereby correct the natural balance

Pretty sure some lines of cat code accidentally got copied into Natalia’s dog software

CHOTINER: And when was that? MY CAT: I mean at least 14 hours ago CHOTINER: Well hold on. You're telling me you haven't been fed at all today but if I look in your bowl here I see a- MY CAT: An untouched serving, I know, but if you'd let me finish- CHOTINER: Yeah, of course.

I thought dog-specific broth was what you give dogs to soothe upset tummies but I’ve used it twice now (a couple weeks apart) to jazz up Natalia’s dinner and both times she’s had pretty theatrical diarrhea

"I will remember later to respond to that text that I have already marked as read." --me, never learning

I wonder what it's like to come home to a wife in tears because she watched a video about a donkey rescue that didn't end well, but I don't think my husband is giving me a straight answer about it

I should get a free sick day when Natalia and I walk outside in the dawn and it’s already disgustingly muggy. I need to shelter in place.

Can anyone remind me why I loathe Amanda Marcotte? Just reading her name makes my skin crawl and I can’t even remember why

UT home games mean dodging pedicabs and dozens of drunk orange-clad pedestrians throughout my neighborhood whose already too-narrow streets are lined bumper to bumper with parked cars on both sides

Do y’all realize the oldest Gen Zs are about to turn 30

What the fuck does this mean

To paraphrase the best kanye tweet, I hate when I’m in a professional development session and I wake up with a branded travel mug next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this branded travel mug

Begging organizations to not make me wear an adhesive name tag that is going to make me grab my boob all day to stop it falling off

My hair looks exactly like I want it to today and I have no earthly idea what, if anything, I did differently or can replicate

My memory deletes things (it's a problem) but yesterday I referred to someone as Booby instead of Bobby in an email, which caused my boss to laugh out loud in a board meeting and send me a screenshot

I like my fridges dumb, young, and full of plums

I feel really lucky that I get to live in this weird little neighborhood and wander around it every day with my sweet little dog, carrying her poop

I don't know if it's called a "break" when you've spent a long time trying to make something work that you have no business doing because it's too technical for you to understand and yet is still so gutting when it fails that you just stare at the wall in defeat, but I've got some time free now

I want a little side table to put by the guest chair in my office (I sit there sometimes if I need to move around or want to be out in front of my monitor) and at first I was just looking for a little plain round one but then I remembered this table I've wanted for a while but have no place to put

I am advocating for you to be killed but I am using my inside voice you must debate me this is called democracy

Hi! Formerly homeless woman here If you are a mother anywhere in the US & you need rent OR mortgage assistance, please subscribe to my nonprofit’s newsletter at ThurmanPerryFoundation.org. We will help you. Applications close TONIGHT at 11:59PM PST for Sept. apps. You matter.

Extremist murders by ideology, 2013 to 2022. www.pbump.net/o/reassessin...

I hope if anything that this is a wake up call that if you don’t understand internet culture, you do not understand American youth culture. Certainly not the fringes but not the mainstream either

Pros of short hair: - faster to wash/dry/style - WAY less product - less hot/sweaty - doesn’t get in the way like when my husband puts an arm around me - cuter, imo Cons of short hair: - I get bedhead now - can’t twist up with a pencil

Found while concocting a lemon-based sauce for dinner that I have a couple papercuts

Came in to work today to an anonymous report from a parent that their child has figured out a way to circumvent some restrictions on her school iPad, and they don’t want to tell us who it is or investigate their daughter but want us to fix it asap

MAGA 3 days ago: Chicago is about to find out the meaning of WAR MAGA today: the left needs to stop condoning violence

*You* tell this dog she has to get up so you can get ready to leave her

Me: “Natalia, come up in the bed and cuddle!” Natalia: *doesn’t even look at me as she leaves the bedroom to sleep off the treat I just gave her*

The only surprising part is one of these ghouls actually facing the natural consequences of his words and actions

It is possible to hold both of these things true at the same time: 1) political violence is never an appropriate choice in a civilized society 2) Charlie Kirk’s dream is to create exactly the kind of society he currently lives in, as spoken from his own mouth

I just hope he knew what was happening. That he was conscious long enough to understand

And now its time for Discord's favorite game show DONT GET THE CHAT SUBPEONAED

It’s been in the 60s in the morning and I’m like AUTUMN EVERYTHING and every day Lucy jerks the football away and I land in the mid-90s by afternoon

A friend's negative review of "Show Boat": "They just kept SINGIN'!"

BANKRUPT THEM

No question that the ballpark lady was rude and weirdly aggressive but I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that she's been vilified about something that really does not matter and doxed to the extent that *I* know who she is. *I* should not know a sports thing, especially one so absurd.

Cutting off your hair will really bring out all your grays

I am way past needing to get up and get ready but with a sweet little husky head lying on me I just don’t see how I can

Hairs is chopped and my absence was noted

After we move out of Texas my stress dreams will be about living a mile from the UT stadium, forgetting it was the first Longhorns home game of the season, and agreeing to meet someone an hour before kickoff at a place that involves crossing I-35

I’ve started cardio rehab and I kind of love it. It’s all the benefits of having a personal trainer to show you how things work, set up the machines, and customize your routine but also tell you not to push it TOO hard, and also monitor your heart so you don’t keel over on the machines

Coworker sniffing my lunch: "That smells so good! Is that green curry? How'd you make that?" Me: "I literally don't know what to tell you TJ, you chop stuff up and get it hot and boom you got dinner."

The sound of me calling my dog’s name over and over and clapping is inadequate to summon her from the next room but the sound of a dried chicken gizzard hitting the floor will jerk her out of a deep sleep on the other side of the house

For a few weeks I’ve been thinking about cutting 8-10 inches off my hair and now that the appointment is on Friday I’m suddenly so sick of having long hair that it’s hard not to chop it off myself right now and let her just clean it up

Natalia Ilyinichna’s morning routine was disrupted today and it’s not going well