If your chin and fingers are not covered in butter after eating a crumpet, are you even alive?

I heard someone describe the Genesis story as a metaphor. That story is so obviously made up, it’s a metaphive.

Fact: doors were invented in 1427 by Sir John Door who was fed up of poor people looking into his house hole.

Oh no. What a thing to wake up to. I can only take solace in the fact that, whilst this is all very Section 28ish, that too was eventually repealed and is now seen as a shameful part of our past.

Wake Up Dead Man was a great film, but between Josh O’Connor’s incredibly smooth ears and Jeremy Renner’s clubbed nails, also very visually distracting.

Oh yes it’s pizza night And I’m feeling right Oh yes it’s pizza night Oh what a night

Ahh, childhood

RIP Toffee Crisp and Blue Riband. Added to the “no longer chocolate” list.

My local NHS dentist costs around £75 per person for a checkup. For a lot of people, that’s not affordable for a whole family.

For Flash, Sam J Jones had to have his hair bleached and Melody Anderson had to have her hair dyed.

Walked past a house that had a TV with GB News on. My first thought was “I’ll bet they’re more than likely racists”. I’m not saying GB News is a channel for racists, but I am saying racists watch it disproportionately.

I’ve often heard the most common thing on Earth is either iron or oxygen. It’s actually your mum.

Winning a FIFA Peace Price is like getting an NFT Laureate in Interpretive Medicine

FIFA giving Trump a prize is "World's most corrupt sports organisation rewards world's most corrupt man" for being corrupt.

How far back does this go? Do you have to be able to prove you’re descended from the Beaker people, or is it just “mummy and daddy are dirty forrins”

I see Wes Streeting comes from the same odious shiny-faced gurn school as former Pig Minister David Cameron.

Raspberry Pi + Home Assistant OS + DuckDNS + JavaScript = what bins get collected when web app.

Seriously, these things are awesome.

I have been laughing at this for 10 minutes straight.

I hear the Louvre has updated its password to their security cameras. it's now "Musée d'Orsay"

In John Carpenter's classic The Thing, during the scene where Norris' head comes away and grows legs, when Palmer utters the iconic line "you've gotta be fucking kidding", at this point, Palmer is ALSO not human.

Can’t wait to try this at Christmas.

To all those saying about the recent decisions by the Girl Guides and WI that “it’s the law”, remember that Section 28 was also the law once and is now seen as a shameful and embarrassing part of recent history.

The WI and Girl Guides are not taking this action because they don’t want to be inclusive, they’re doing it because otherwise they’ll be sued into oblivion by bigots with media empire money and science-denying laws and court rulings.

youtu.be/nVQplt7Chos Sex? Gender? Why the TERFs and the government/Supreme Court are totally wrong about both.

TAKE PASS. THE BALL THE BALL.

Sugar and saturated fats aren’t good for you? Oh yeah? Who was there for me during every hard time in my life? Sure as fuck wasn’t quinoa or kale.

Thameslink has the most expensive ticket in the UK on a cost per mile basis.

Why do TERFs always bring a penis to a knife fight?

if poets became militant, would they stage a hai coup?

Your annual reminder that Brian Harvey ran himself over with his own car after a baked potato binge.

TIL that traditionally, straight croissants are made with pure butter and curved croissants are made with margarine or other, cheaper fats and usually given to children.

The three best TV personalities of the last decade.

As November comes to an end, and December is about to begin, let us not forget: Fuck Brexit Fuck Reform Fuck Trump Fuck Putin Fuck TERFs

Did you know there’s a WWII air raid siren in Lewisham? Now you do.

Oh, no, no, no, you're a smart guy, clearly picked up some flashy tricks, but you made one crucial mistake. You forgot about the essence of the game. It's about the cones.

It has been said before, but it bears repeating: Burgers should be wider, not taller. I don’t want to have to dislocate my jaw like a snake to eat a burger.

“Yer da sells Avon”

Awesome! Pantomime horse race in Greenwich. Sunday 14th December at 1pm.

Saw this advertised and my first thought was Bra’tak getting a good night’s sleep. Jaffa, kree!

How many Reform UK supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they prefer being gaslit.

Brown envelope from HMRC landed on the doorstep today to tell me I have a £208 rebate on the way. Nice.

Thanks to the NFT boom of a few years ago, there is now a massive funge mountain that we can’t do anything with and is poisoning local water tables.

Funny how all the papers that praise the Truss/Kwarteng budget that opened up the financial black hole are the ones lambasting this Starmer/Reeves one.

If you see a tiny and marginalised segment of society who’s lives are already difficult, and your first thought is “how can I make their lives harder, borderline impossible to live”, then you deserve what you wish upon them.

Ricky Gervais is what happens when you never grow out of the “you think you’re right about everything” stage of early childhood.

The office thermostat is set to 22.5, can’t be adjusted, and I am melting.

Tip waste: jail. Assault, harass and stalk a child for years: slap on the wrist.

Freshly squeezed fruit juices have more sugar than coke. Drinkable yoghurts have more sugar than coke. Where is the tax on these? Leave my milkshakes alone. Artificial sweeteners taste fucking vile.

I am also inordinately pleased that there is a good chance Cameron has had to have his bungherl zapped with radiation.