Business in the front, party in the back

Why does men's drug store shampoo smell so goddamn strong? I just had to use my husband's Dove and I feel like I've been de-loused.

Maybe I can't bench as much as you can. But you know what I *can* lift? My homies' spirits so who's the real winner here.

Reverse Lady of the Lake maneuver

No. But I would die FOR him.

Just me and my 38 trillion bacteria against the world.

Why can't I get a cool revelation like what kind of monsters God will send to herald the Apocalypse, instead I'm just realizing that a guy was hitting on be back in 2009. Shifty revelation. How am I supposed to make a cool tattoo out of that

Why would I exit when there's a handsome guy down here with a winning smile?

Doing a little side quest in my self care bird app, and the Wizard of Oz just went full "Do Not Commit The Sin Of Empathy" on me? (Long image)

When you ask the Oracle at Delphi if you should attack Persia:

"But how can we warn people of the hazards of nuclear waste ten thousand years from now?" Just get #Ikea on the problem. If their lil' dudes can wordlessly teach me to assemble a Finnby they can figure out how to show that This Is Not A Place Of Honour.

I am increasingly learning of things by first seeing the reaction to them. I know that on the list of worst ways to find out a place has been nuked, "finding out through a meme" ranks pretty low, but imagining that happening is making me feel ill.

Got an email from an exercise coach I follow entitled "I'm never sending another email" and my first thought was "Bless him he has escaped Samsara, go My Brother! Be Free!"

BREAKING: The Rapture happened

Joke: that video in the coffee shop isn't Netanyahu, it's AI Woke: that video in the coffee shop *is* Netanyahu, he's just been under a lot of stress and it's sometimes hard for him (as a demon) to remember how many fingers humans are supposed to have.

Look, children are good people and all but - whenever they call an event, park, etc. "for families"? What they mean is "for 5-12 year olds and their keepers". I thought family meant nobody got left behind and forgotten about or whatever Obama said.

Me when I'm lifting my feet so someone can sweep under my chair

Bluetooth is so inspiring, like maybe I too could become popular everywhere despite being annoying as hell.

I watched Iron Lung.

Lifting weights to prevent osteoporosis and going for solo hikes in case someone tries to alpine divorce me and only having tuna to once a week due to the mercury and playing Tetris to avoid rumination and getting up every hour so my email job doesn't turn me into a cicada husk of a human and

Babe how can you be mad that I forgot Valentine's Day, the Dow is over 5000.

Showing my date how refined and demure I am by pronouncing "tequila" like it rhymes with "Dracula".

omg everybody go draw a horse this is what the internet was made for gradient.horse

A single bar sung by Mo Kenney would be enough to vaporize me right now. A fragment of a Pomme song would turn me into floating motes of dust like a defeated Elden Ring boss.

Literally the only Hero I believe will save me anymore.

This NSLC ad misses the mark so hard. If given the chance I would *absolutely* buy me a Rhonda.

"Babe what's wrong, you've barely touched your Tabascolut?"

Surely not all of these Evils are Necessary?

Dastardly Antifas have also been seen casually tossing empty banana peels before the dainty feet of ICE agents. And wait- by God!- there's reports coming in of a brick wall painted to look like a city street- look out boys, look out! Oh the humanity!!

Listening to the REAL King's Christmas Address (Nardwuar accepting the Order of Canada)

The service industry worker in me recognizes the service industry worker in you.

Again wondering why Stefano's pasta sauce has credits in the Neon Genesis Evangelion font

I stg the first time I see an identifiable brand/logo in a dream I am swimming into the business end of a motorboat.

"Die Hard is/isn't a Christmas movie because -" okay, okay, whatever. Christmas music does not require explicit references to Christmas, only a group activity and a wintery setting (see: Winter Wonderland, Baby it's Cold Outside, Let it Snow). Silence In The Snow by Trivium is a Christmas Song.

These pictures are sisters

Having my work laptop that requires 2FA with my cell phone (the greatest distraction tool civilisation has so far produced) feels like a modernized punishment from a Greek God.

"Look. If you can be cool about this, then so can I. We'll both survive, and then go out separate ways and never have to see each other again." - me, to the giant spider I just noticed in the corner of the shower.

When I say "I contain multitudes" I mean I can want two things

Me when it's time to pack up the Halloween decorations

I am once more reminded of that "We're disabled, not were-wolves" tweet. Buddy was rightfully mocked for his ignorance, but the Pharmacy's Home Health Solutions Dept. (for equipment like walkers, braces, shower chairs) really IS only open Mon-Fri, 9-5. And closed from 12-1 for lunch 🙃

Trusting a fart while my stomach is experiencing The Bad Times

I may not have nice opinions of Kirk, but at least I never portrayed him as an interdimensional thief reaching from beyond the grave to steal the hats off of small boys.

I ain't never trusted a "module" of any kind. "Modular"? How about get your shit together?

I don't want CK to have died in vain. Currently DMing Tlàloc, the Aztec God of Rain, to see if he'll accept him as a belated sacrifice, this summer has been a dry one.

I'd say this would be the top "Edgy" Halloween costume this year but honestly we can probably expect a good six? seven? more completely bonkers historical events before the end of October. God I am tired.

Social media platforms: "No swearing or talking about scary things please 🥺 our advertisers* don't like when you do that! 😱" *Planet-destroying multinationals, military recruiters, and straight-up fucking scam artists.

"I dOn'T kNoW, CAN hE?" Har Har very funny. He obviously meant to ask *MAY* Richard Funk, you pendants.

"It's okay babe, I'm not mad that you said a fishinggarrett-style 'yoink' when you grabbed my boobs it just startled me is all."