we might see snow and ice over the next few days. so i’ve got my yaktrax in my backpack 😎

the great santini is finally dead. i’m not sorry because of my dad’s media illiteracy it that was taken as a parenting lesson and it’s part of why i’m so fucked up now. the book is even more vile than the movie.

it’s crazy how they show how fast the olympic athletes are going in real time. you’re going 75+ headfirst on a sled? the speed skaters have accelerated to 35 miles per hour? it’s simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.

i love watching non americans try a root beer float for the first time. they’re always skeptical and don’t know what to expect and they’re usually blown away

That’s the same principle, just applied from the other direction. If it’s true that candidates have to worry about losing voters who think they’ve gone too far in one direction, then it matters when voters on the other side announce they have no limits at all. What does this incentivize?

when your cat is dead and something randomly falls off the table next to you i feel like she’s left some reverberations. it’s still her apartment.

while watching the olympics i’m catching ads for a monster truck show in the arena in town and was like “is that still a thing?”. and yes, apparently it continues to be a thing.

to the tune of:

if you’re working the doors at an event and bill murray wants in, that’s it. let the man do his thing. bill murray does not need a ticket. he is his own ticket.

happy anna howard shaw day, no one

Fun fact about me, I have literally drunkenly stumbled down the street with a traffic cone balanced on my head as a hat. You're welcome. Happy Valentine's Day y'all. Much love. 🌈🦄💕

does anyone else smell burnt toast?

it’s weird watching the olympics and seeing someone on the ski jump and thinking “i used to have one of that same helmet. i still got a concussion but it probably saved my life”

in my stupid opinion, daniel craig elevated the character of james bond. i cried in the theater at “no time to die”. it’s why my favorite form of address is a secret to most people. for queen and country.

in times of craziness i’d like to share my belief with you. -david bowie was -david bowie is -david bowie will be -david bowie is helping another planet and he will return to inspire us when he is most needed

no one can defeat the quad lazer

it’s legal here unless it gets excited

let me go back and face the peril!

rip to bud cort. i’ve never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that.

i’m just a regular guy but i really like watching people do death defying feats in ice and snow. there was a person in the luge that i watched and they were going 75 mph. on their back on a tiny sled with a helmet and hopefully good life insurance.

ok so there’s a kickass olympic skier on tv and her name is liz lemley and i’m like where is tina fey right now?

next time i see one of those spoons…

Rejoice!

new jurassic park movie pitch: a character is given an image like this but it’s dino nugs made with real dino. like, ä horror/tragedy that is eluding me

after the late show ends in may, i predict that stephen colbert will get really into tornado chasing and will give us the movie twist3rs

if you really want to confound gollum, give him an order of these

It's okay to occasionally let that inner sophomore out.

explosions in the sky

yes, we have a marijuana problem. way too many people in many states can’t legally access it. you may have a marijuana problem. do you need your empty pipes filled? i have a marijuana problem. i’m not high enough to read this baloney. 🎶 i would not feel so all alone everybody must get stoned 🎵

i’m okay how are you thanks for asking

buena suerte y gracias a conejito malo! 🐰 🇵🇷

apparently this year the superb owl has deigned the squadrons under their talons to a defenseive detenante. hopefully the intermission entertainment inflames the maga chuds so at least i have something to laugh at. i saw you. you are so beautiful. i wish you were not married.

after the late show ends in may, may i request stephen colbert comes out to portland and helps me find the best catte to adopt

From Simpson Shitposting Reddit

there is a superb owl out tonight so be careful in the twilight make sure you don’t end up in its fell talons. it will be the opposite of being swooped up like a hobbit in the grip of an eagle.

if you do not download all of the online gambling apps immediately the superb owl will compel you with their talons and far seeking eyes. i know the final score but if i told you i could never go out after dark again safely.

a new totinos to feed my hungry guys for the superb owl

breaking news: bad bunny and green day are all ill. they will be better soon. the superb owl halftime will now be godspeed you! black emperor and it will go on indefinitely until they relinquish the field so the teams can finish their celebration of the superb owl.

okay so once again i’m disappointed that the superb owl halft ime show is not a rage against the machine reunion featuring the dj ad-rock and the great mike d. i have a better suggestion that would be funny as hell and beautiful performance art too.

okay, so what if olympic curling but…. after dark version. they can keep their clothes on if they want to but they can drink openly and freely. i would watch that.

tomorrow is the celebration of the superb owl so today is the day to stock up on totinos for your hungry guys and your thirsty ladies before the big game!

after the late show ends in may, i predict stephen colbert will discover a way to sail to valinor and will allow me to pass into the west with him.

called my gma yesterday to remind her that the opening ceremony for the olympics was that day. she was surprised to know the olympics were happening. she asked if the superb owl was tomorrow (today) and i said it was sunday. she said she’s going to root for the big 10 team.

after the late show ends in may, i predict that stephen colbert will develop a new interest in jam skating

italy, could you not do better than this? you have an abundance of beautiful women.

this was awesome and i love the way they brought it back. seriously hope the muppet show makes a comeback.

can’t wait for this evening. the muppet show was one of the formative experiences of my childhood. check your local listings. it’s on at 9 pm here.

"McRib? Yes... that was what they used to call me. McRib the Gray. That was my name... *I* am McRib the White. And I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide."

after the late show ends in may, i predict that stephen colbert will get really into pastry and will make the worlds tallest croquembouche