“This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."

“If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”

Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.

“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”

Case closed.

"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”

“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”

Live as Jesus lived.

Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped

16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows

BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS

“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.

DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow

We love our new logo and we think you will, too.

Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair

“I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”

New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit

Our bee lawyer can really sting.

BREAKING: Donald Trump Becomes Youngest Person To Ever Write Own Name at 79

“Parker is more than a robot. He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”

Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole

Firefighters Deny Retaliation After Soaking Baseball Field, Claim They Were Just Throwing ‘Wet Dreams’ Party for Team

I want the whole world to know.

Breaking: Trump Demands Washington Rename Football Team

A great time at the Takoma Park 4th of July parade! Local hero and patriot @thenimbee.bsky.social rode through town warning everyone the developers were coming!

Bless his heart.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

BREAKING: Trump Demands Nobel Peace Prize Nomination for Bombing Iran

“It’s architectural manspreading!”

Make Asbestos Great Again

“Montgomery County has finally declared its independence from landlords occupying our land with market rate housing!"

Too bad they'll never fund the infrastructure

“We are in a culinary hostage situation,” Delegate Marc Korman told reporters, pointing to a stack of lanyards and name tags from prior conferences as evidence. “I have not seen red meat since the Clinton administration.”

“The show was promoting sedition, plain and simple,” said Trump, speaking from his new gilded seat in the front mezzanine. “This guy with a heavy accent was leading a rebellion against lawful authority while waving a foreign flag. We had no choice but to take him out.”

BREAKING: Trumps Says He's Never Heard of Elon Musk

Team Musk or Team Trump? You must pick one or be sent to El Salvadoran prison.

Big Beautiful Breakup