The results are in!

Please vote by midnight 4/4!

Contest Submission #5 by Daneel Kutsenko

Contest Submission #4 by Justin Rosentover

Submission #3 by Zoe Gorbachev

Submission #2 by Ada Schwartz

Submission #1 by Colm Konyndyk

“I can’t even imagine waiting four whole years before I can send out my annual candidate questionnaire!”

Another Fun-Filled Adventure in Takoma Park...

“We’ve seen a dangerous pattern,” said Ward 6 Councilmember Amy Wesolek during a presentation titled Civic Deceleration Compliance Initiative. “People slow down at 2:55, say ‘in conclusion,’ and then introduce three more points about stormwater management concerns. That’s a yield, not a stop.”

“Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”

Free cake, free beer and free karaoke! What more could you want on a Saturday night? Also, @govwesmoore.bsky.social, we hear you're now free on this night. Come sing a song with us! Saturday, Feb 21st, Downtown Silver Spring American Legion, 6:30pm

“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”

BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over

Huge announcement from MCPS!

“If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”

“One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”

“If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”

“I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble

“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”

Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.

“This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."

“If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”

Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.

“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”

Case closed.

"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”

“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”

Live as Jesus lived.

Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped

16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows

BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS

“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.

DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow

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