"I've contemplated serving as your county executive for the past four hours, and now I'm ready to continue the important work of immediately running for the next office."

“Thankfully, I paid the extra $4.99 for overnight shipping. You can’t put a price on fighting late-stage capitalism.”

“As we all know, there are good PACs and bad PACs,” said Will Jawando, whose campaign is publicly-funded, and therefore, prohibited from accepting money from PACs, labor unions, or business entities. “The good PACs are the ones spending six figures supporting me.”

A true reflection of Takoma Park's values.

“We’ve heard rumors that the snack bar could soon become a ballroom,” said one Montgomery Parks employee. “Honestly, we thought it was a joke until we noticed a rendering showing the 8th hole lake as a reflection pool.”

“We’re looking at a highly authentic historic resource,” said an HPC commissioner. “There’s been some effort to modernize him over time, but the original 1960s blueprint is still clearly legible.”

“Unfortunately, our outdated award structure has systematically excluded losers. That ends now.”

The results are in!

Please vote by midnight 4/4!

Contest Submission #5 by Daneel Kutsenko

Contest Submission #4 by Justin Rosentover

Submission #3 by Zoe Gorbachev

Submission #2 by Ada Schwartz

Submission #1 by Colm Konyndyk

“I can’t even imagine waiting four whole years before I can send out my annual candidate questionnaire!”

Another Fun-Filled Adventure in Takoma Park...

“We’ve seen a dangerous pattern,” said Ward 6 Councilmember Amy Wesolek during a presentation titled Civic Deceleration Compliance Initiative. “People slow down at 2:55, say ‘in conclusion,’ and then introduce three more points about stormwater management concerns. That’s a yield, not a stop.”

“Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”

Free cake, free beer and free karaoke! What more could you want on a Saturday night? Also, @govwesmoore.bsky.social, we hear you're now free on this night. Come sing a song with us! Saturday, Feb 21st, Downtown Silver Spring American Legion, 6:30pm

“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”

BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over

Huge announcement from MCPS!

“If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”

“One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”

“If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”

“I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble

“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”

Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.

“This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."

“If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”

Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.

“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”

“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”

Case closed.

"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”

“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”

Live as Jesus lived.