The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓
@takomatorch.bsky.social
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📥 693
📝 245
Takoma Park's ONLY Humor Source. Home of the Nimbee and Takoma Man. www.takomatorch.com
The results are in!
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Announcing the Winners of the 2026 Takoma Torch Satire Writing Contest
In Takoma Park, everyone is a winner. But Montgomery Blair High School is not in Takoma Park. Sorry, rules are rules. The winners of 2026 Takoma Torch Satire Writing Contest are as follows: 1st Pla…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/04/06/announcing-the-winners-of-the-2026-takoma-torch-satire-writing-contest/
18 days ago
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Please vote by midnight 4/4!
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Contest Vote!!
We would like to sincerely thank the Montgomery Blair High School’s Silver Chips journalists who participated in our satire contest. We hope everyone enjoyed reading these very funny submissi…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/04/02/contest-vote/
22 days ago
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Contest Submission #5 by Daneel Kutsenko
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Contest Submission #5 “No More New Neighbors”
By Daneel Kutsenko Generations have passed down homes and the sacred right to suspicion. In many neighborhoods, including Takoma Park, residents talk about property lines not as boundaries but as b…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/04/01/contest-submission-5-no-more-new-neighbors/
23 days ago
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Contest Submission #4 by Justin Rosentover
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Contest Submission 4 “NPS Begins New Attorney Elimination Program”
By Justin Rosentover Facing an ever growing population of lawyers in the DC area due to the lack of natural predators, the National Park Service has begun a new program to help manage the populatio…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/31/contest-submission-4-nps-begins-new-attorney-elimination-program/
24 days ago
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Submission #3 by Zoe Gorbachev
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Contest Submission #3 “New MCPS Policy Regarding Graphite-Based Writing Implements”
By Zoe Gorbachev [EXTERNAL] Message from Superintendent Thomas W. TaylorGood afternoon MCPS families,Today we started the process of implementing of the Student Pencil Access Protocol (SPAP), an in…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/30/new-mcps-policy-regarding-graphite-based-writing-implements/
25 days ago
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Submission #2 by Ada Schwartz
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Contest Submission #2 “Documents Found on Dead Body of DOGE Employee Revealed”
By Ada Schwartz Termination notice for Park Ranger Bear Smith, January 22 2025, Dear Mr Smith, We regret to inform you that we will be letting you go as part of DOGE’s efforts to cut government spe…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/29/contest-submission-2-documents-found-on-dead-body-of-doge-employee-revealed/
26 days ago
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Submission #1 by Colm Konyndyk
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Contest Submission #1 “Sligo Creek To Be Filled With Beer For St. Patrick’s Day”
By Colm Konyndyk If you’ve been hearing a loud, continuous machine sound recently, that just may be the sound of Montgomery County’s new plans for this upcoming St. Patrick’s day.“We want to celebr…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/28/contest-submission-1-sligo-creek-to-be-filled-with-beer-for-st-patricks-day-by-colm-konyndyk/
27 days ago
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2026 Takoma Torch/Silver Chips Satire Writing Contest
Fans, As you probably know, the Takoma Torch is a terrible business model: losing money like a Jeff Bezos–funded newspaper. So naturally, we’ve decided the solution is to give away cash. We’re laun…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/27/2026-takoma-torch-silver-chips-satire-writing-contest/
27 days ago
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about 1 month ago
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“I can’t even imagine waiting four whole years before I can send out my annual candidate questionnaire!”
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Takoma Park Residents Concerned Four-Year Terms Could Delay Next Chance to Be Mad
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Local residents are expressing alarm over a proposal to extend city council terms from two years to four, warning that the change could significantly delay their next chance…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/03/09/takoma-park-residents-concerned-four-year-terms-could-delay-next-chance-to-be-mad/
about 2 months ago
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Another Fun-Filled Adventure in Takoma Park...
add a skeleton here at some point
about 2 months ago
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“We’ve seen a dangerous pattern,” said Ward 6 Councilmember Amy Wesolek during a presentation titled Civic Deceleration Compliance Initiative. “People slow down at 2:55, say ‘in conclusion,’ and then introduce three more points about stormwater management concerns. That’s a yield, not a stop.”
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City Installs AI Cameras To Automatically Ticket ‘Rolling Stops’ at 3‐Minute Public Testimony Limit
TAKOMA PARK, MD – After successfully installing AI-powered stop sign cameras across town, the City of Takoma Park has unveiled Phase Two: automated detection of residents making “rollin…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/02/26/city-installs-ai-cameras/
about 2 months ago
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“Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”
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Takoma Park Residents Trapped in Extended Council Meeting After Outbreak of ‘The Clap’
TAKOMA PARK, MD – What began as a routine three hour city council meeting reportedly entered hour four Wednesday after audience members were quarantined in their seats amid an aggressive outb…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/02/18/takoma-park-residents-trapped-in-extended-council-meeting-after-outbreak-of-the-clap/
2 months ago
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Free cake, free beer and free karaoke! What more could you want on a Saturday night? Also,
@govwesmoore.bsky.social
, we hear you're now free on this night. Come sing a song with us! Saturday, Feb 21st, Downtown Silver Spring American Legion, 6:30pm
2 months ago
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#TeamRaskin
2 months ago
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“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”
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Takoma Park Announces Status as ‘Nuance-Free Zone’
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Following a decisive 4-3 vote, Takoma Park officially declared itself a “Nuance-Free” zone, ensuring all future debates are conducted without the distraction of …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/02/06/takoma-park-announces-status-as-nuance-free-zone/
3 months ago
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BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over
3 months ago
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Huge announcement from MCPS!
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MCPS Announces New School Boundaries Bussing Students to Virginia During Winter Months
ROCKVILLE, MD – After more than a week of snow days caused by a single snowstorm, Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS) announced Tuesday that it will temporarily redraw school boundaries t…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/02/02/mcps-announces-new-school-boundaries-bussing-students-to-virginia-during-winter-months/
3 months ago
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“If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”
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Marc Elrich, Will Jawando Propose ‘Snow Stabilization’ Bill to Limit Amount of Snowfall on Montgomery County
ROCKVILLE, MD – Citing the unfair burden that unregulated snowfall places on residents, County Executive Marc Elrich and Councilmember Will Jawando announced a bold new proposal this week tha…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/30/marc-elrich-will-jawando-propose-snow-stabilization-bill-to-limit-amount-of-snowfall-on-montgomery-county/
3 months ago
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“One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”
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Stop Work Order Issued to Children Building Igloo Without Permit
TAKOMA PARK, MD – A group of local children building an igloo were issued an immediate stop work order Tuesday after Montgomery County officials responded to anonymous online complaints that …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/28/stop-work-order-issued-to-children-building-igloo-without-permit/
3 months ago
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“If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”
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Takoma Park Installs Little Free Snow Shovel Libraries to Express Compassion for Thieves
TAKOMA PARK, MD – In an effort to offer restorative justice after multiple reports of snow shovels being stolen from front porches, city officials announced plans to install Little Free Snow …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/26/takoma-park-installs-little-free-snow-shovel-libraries-to-express-compassion-for-thieves/
3 months ago
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“I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”
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Vigil Planned to Mourn Destruction of Window on Cockerille Avenue
TAKOMA PARK, MD – City activists announced plans Sunday night for a candlelight vigil honoring the shattered front window of a Cockerille Avenue home, following what police are calling a comp…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/24/vigil-planned-to-mourn-destruction-of-window-on-cockerille-avenue/
3 months ago
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TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble
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TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble
NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – The Takoma Park Silver Spring Co-Op announced this week that it will open a second location inside the proposed “Sphere” at National Harbor, a smaller replica of the Las…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/19/tpss-co-op-announces-2nd-location-inside-national-harbors-sphere-expanding-operations-into-literal-liberal-bubble/
3 months ago
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“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”
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United States Ruining Canada’s Property Value
OTTAWA, CA – Canada is demanding the United States stop acting like the neighbor who stores run-down cars on the lawn and insists they’re “projects,” after American behavior in the past year …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/09/united-states-ruining-canadas-property-value/
4 months ago
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4 months ago
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Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.
4 months ago
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The Official Takoma Torch 2026 In/Out List
As 2026 approaches, the Takoma Torch has once again performed its sacred civic duty: deciding what is in and what is out, with no public input and even less accountability. This list is not advisor…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2026/01/01/the-official-takoma-torch-2026-in-out-list/
4 months ago
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ICE Detains Santa
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Federal immigration authorities confirmed Friday that Santa Claus was detained this morning after entering the a United States without proper documentation According to ICE …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/12/25/ice-detains-santa/
4 months ago
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“This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."
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Department of War to Rename WWII Bomber ‘Enola Trump Gay’
WASHINGTON, DC – The Department of War announced it will rename the World War II bomber Enola Gay to Enola Trump Gay, calling it a necessary update to reflect President Trump’s lifelong commi…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/12/20/department-of-war-to-rename-wwii-bomber-enola-trump-gay/
4 months ago
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“If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”
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Montgomery County to Require 2.5 Parking Spaces per Nativity Set
WHEATON, MD – Citing concerns about holiday traffic, Montgomery County officials announced this week that all residential properties must now provide a minimum of 2.5 off-street parking space…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/12/13/montgomery-county-to-require-2-5-parking-spaces-per-nativity-set/
4 months ago
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Trump Naps in Cabinet Meeting to Prove He’s The Most ‘Anti-Woke’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump, 79, reportedly fell asleep for the seventh time this week during a cabinet meeting, proving once and for all that he is the most anti-woke president…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/12/03/trump-naps-in-cabinet-meeting-to-prove-hes-the-most-anti-woke/
5 months ago
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Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.
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MoCo Makes History By Appointing First Ever Dead Historic Preservation Commissioner
WHEATON, MD – The Montgomery County Council took a visionary leap toward modernizing bureaucracy by confirming the appointment of its first-ever dead resident to the Historic Preservation Com…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/11/21/moco-makes-history-by-appointing-first-ever-dead-historic-preservation-commissioner/
5 months ago
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“The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”
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Amplified Street Preacher Annoyed By Gas Leaf Blower Interrupting Sermon
SILVER SPRING, MD – Downtown’s most unignorable loudspeaker-using street preacher, Pastor Donny “Decibel” Daniels, is reportedly outraged after a gas-powered leaf blower allegedly disrupted h…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/11/16/amplified-street-preacher-annoyed-by-gas-leaf-blower-interrupting-sermon/
5 months ago
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“This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”
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Nation Shocked by Boomer Announcing Retirement
Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move other Boomers are calling “treason against our generation,” Nancy Pelosi stunned her peers this morning by announcing she …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/11/06/nation-shocked-by-boomer-announcing-retirement/
6 months ago
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#StopBethesdafication
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MoCo Executive Marc Elrich Visits China to Learn How to Build Great Wall Around Bethesda
BEIJING, CHINA – County Executive Marc Elrich announced he is in China this week, specifically to study the Great Wall so he can build a full-scale replica around Bethesda, protecting the res…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/11/02/moco-executive-marc-elrich-visits-china-to-learn-how-to-build-great-wall-around-bethesda/
6 months ago
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“We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”
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Trump Sends ICE to Dodger Stadium to Prevent Blue Jays From Winning World Series
LOS ANGELES – President Donald Trump deployed U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to Dodger Stadium immediately after the Blue Jays won Game 5, just one win away from winnin…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/10/30/trump-sends-ice-to-dodger-stadium-to-prevent-blue-jays-from-winning-world-series/
6 months ago
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Case closed.
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Epstein Files Accidentally Lost In East Wing Demolition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tragic and totally unforeseeable accident, the long-awaited Epstein files were reportedly and accidentally destroyed this week when President Donald Trump ordered the demoli…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/10/23/epstein-files-accidentally-lost-in-east-wing-demolition/
6 months ago
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"Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”
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SHA Rolls Out New ‘Optional’ Speed Bumps on Carroll Avenue For Drivers Who Don’t Feel Like Slowing Down
TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a bold new traffic-calming strategy the Maryland State Highway Administration (SHA) installed a series of “optional” speed bumps on Carroll Avenue, intentionally narrow enough …
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/10/14/sha-rolls-out-new-optional-speed-bumps-on-carroll-avenue-for-drivers-who-dont-feel-like-slowing-down/
6 months ago
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“Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”
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Takoma Man Celebrates Easy Parking at Metro Station Due to Government Shutdown
TAKOMA PARK, MD — While most Americans brace for the chaos of a government shutdown, one Takoma Park resident admits he’s “kind of OK with it” if it means he can finally park at the Takoma Metro lo…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/09/30/takoma-man-celebrates-easy-parking-at-metro-station-due-to-government-shutdown/
7 months ago
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7 months ago
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7 months ago
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Live as Jesus lived.
7 months ago
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7 months ago
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Tone Down the Hate Rhetoric, You Evil, Murderous Democrats
We never thought we’d have to say this, but here we are: Democrats, you need to stop the hate. Right now. Tone it down, you evil, disgusting, murderous piece-of-shit Marxists hell bent on destroyin…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/09/16/tone-down-the-hate-rhetoric-you-evil-murderous-democrats/
7 months ago
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Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped
7 months ago
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16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows
8 months ago
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BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS
8 months ago
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“They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.
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Parkway Deli’s Pickle Bar ‘Kind of Sucks’ Marc Elrich Says
SILVER SPRING, MD – Speaking at a District 18 Breakfast Club meeting at Parkway Deli Monday morning, County Executive Marc Elrich said the restaurant’s beloved free pickle bar “ac…
https://takomatorch.com/index.php/2025/09/08/parkway-delis-pickle-bar-kind-of-sucks-marc-elrich-says/
8 months ago
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DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow
add a skeleton here at some point
8 months ago
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We love our new logo and we think you will, too.
8 months ago
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