I spent six nights at Freddy’s but I’m sure your thing was cool too

Gf and I stressing about what to get the cat for Christmas as if she knows what Christmas is or has any concept of being disappointed in a gift or her single most favorite present ever wasn’t a $6 basket we bought for a different purpose that she unilaterally decided was for her

The ruling elites and the so-called “doctors” will say you need to have a “productive” cough. Don’t listen to them! Your cough has value whether or not it contributes to capital

What I’m hearing is a lot of broke bitches on this website who’ve never had their blood cleaned

RANKIN: Hey man we should make a movie about that Rudolph song BASS: Good idea. We could work in all the reindeer it names RANKIN: Right. And a giant scary monster BASS: Uhh, and uh, Santa, and, RANKIN: Just a big fucking ogre, huge teeth, threatens to kill everyone. Beats the shit out of Rudolph

I was the first person to yell “MUSTAAAAAAAAARD” in a song, from my concept album about deli sandwiches. Kendrick Lamar asked me if he could use it. I told him he could. Nice kid, seemed like he needed the boost

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks

…with his injury or just everything else?

This service will publish “quick bits” of news and they’re looking for a catchy name to call themselves

My jeans are “regular straight” just like me

CP3: you know we didn’t do it like this back in the day REST OF TEAM: [rolling their eyes] CP3: everybody coming to work with their Stanleys, oooh, gotta stay hydrated! Are you hydrated? Are you hydrated?? [someone mumbles “shut the fuck up”] CP3: who said that? WHO?? I HAVE MORE ASSISTS THAN LEBRON

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: do NOT hire your best friend’s speechwriter to be your ghostwriter! It never works!

My Spotify listening age was my exact actual age, damn. I needed this stat last year when I listened to brat 10,000 times

Say a prayer for the 911 operators who are answering calls about this (I promise you there are people calling 911 about this)

Reminds me of the Wilt Chamberlain quote when he said “I wish I could be a normal height, maybe 6’6” or 6’5”” like bruh

Hallmark movie where the NYC writer woman goes home to her blood-red hick town and they all shun and ignore her and she thinks it’s because she’s a big city liberal but it’s actually because she won’t stop writing about how evil trans people are and the town has a trans mayor that they love

I am not putting anything past them from a standpoint of their ability to be malicious but just from the perspective of the writing it takes a certain amount of intelligence to appear that exact level of stupid and I dunno if I believe they’re capable

My favorite type of supervillain is just “guy who is really smart.” And the hero’s like “this nerd must die”

I’ll say it if no one else wants to: I’ve met a lot of firefighters and they are usually the dumbest people in that town

Bo Nix arm strength is so crazy. There’s plays where it looks like he can’t complete an 8 yard pass then the next play he just whips his arm and some WR 40 yards down the field instantly has it in their hands

Holy fucking shit

Vikings finished at -0.79 EPA/play on offense, third-worst game of year (behind Raiders-Chiefs and Bengals-Vikings). For reference, the COVID game where the Broncos didn't have a QB and started Kendall Hinton against the Saints was -0.80 EPA/play.

Bought a new Madden game for the first time in 20 years and…there have been some changes

Do the Vikings practice

Maybe that was fine 20, 30, or even 5 years ago but “they’re Nazis, they’re ruining your life, and we’re gonna wipe them out” is so much more appropriate. The focus-group stuff, the centrist thinktank stuff, that whole consultant way of thinking has got to go. It is not meeting the moment

Love a beautiful NFL Sunday when my team isn’t playing and therefore can’t hurt me

New episode of The Paper: tensions are high as a promising new editor’s name is found in Epstein’s emails, but every time Brendan Gleeson’s kid asks him about it he roars and destroys half the city. Guest starring Godzilla

The Frank Ragnow story ended up being nothing more than a short morale boost for all of the Lions, except their current center, who I’m sure was kinda pissed about the whole thing but couldn’t say anything

One time when I was a kid my dad said something was a “term of art” so I asked him what “term of art” meant and he just said “oh no”

One thing about Sirianni is he always lies in his press conferences and says he backs his guys. He doesn’t throw anyone under the bus and he’s always supportive to the extreme, even if we know he’s lying. So we won’t know if he’s actually considering this or not until after he makes the change

Been a fan of Latu as a blocker but picking a fight with some guy away from the line probably was not the move

Mods, if someone posts Kevin Patullo’s phone number on here I need you to be cool

I think Hurts turned off the mic in his helmet

Literally nothing is different for Saquon Barkley this year vs last year except that he hung out with Trump a couple times

Kellen Moore and Kevin Patullo in offensive meetings last year

Refs not making it out of this stadium alive

He can’t outwit people like he used to, but he still has his ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time Joe Biden let all the Afghans into America. You couldn’t get them out. That’s why I let all the Afghans into America, which was the style at the time,

Tyrese Maxey: part-time dog trainer 🐶🐾 tune-in to watch rese do his thing during the National Dog Show Thanksgiving day at 12pm ET on nbc & Peacock.

thanksgiving is a time for people to come together, to celebrate the spirit of unity despite our differences, and to demonstrate that, here is busta rhymes performing "break ya neck" with raphael the ninja turtle

Santa is Muslim this year. Thanks to woke

The article itself didn’t swing a lot of voters but it did signal to all the other media people reading it, who clearly love Nuzzi, that it was open season on Crazy Joe Biden

I thought we were all agreed on goose?

Copilot, when’s my first meeting today “You have no meetings or anything planned.” Copilot, summarize my last email “Certainly. Your Kohl’s Cash expires next Saturday.” No, summarize the email before that one “You earned $5 Kohl’s Cash.” Copilot, schedule my SmartToilet to flush in 20 seconds

I don’t even know what it is, or in what form it exists. I assume it’s an app? Do you have to buy it?

Why do you people argue about food so much

We laugh at old-times doctors for being dumb but I don’t think they were that far off. Like yeah I’m coughing and blowing my nose at the same time, maybe I’ve just got too much stuff in me, I can see where they were coming from

I’m gonna be a billionaire because I just invented Dolby 7.2

Why do you people argue about food so much

Immortan Joe says we can buy more guns with money from the tariffs on the Bullet Farm

Who let the Rams have Davante Adams. Who let that happen