so . legal stuff went significantly better than expected . im overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, but on top of all that I'm so fucking proud of us for advocating for ourselves. it's not over yet, but there's hope

im just a fucking waste of space

i made a big pot of pasta and couldnt eat more than a bite . world's best ana (i had a high cal coffee right before)

need to lose 30 lbs immediately

i let everyone down

i miss restricting so so so bad im desperate to throw myself back into starving even though i know it would ruin all the progress ive made on myself and my relationships

i dont want to be me

i dont want to be autistic anymore

i ate and now everything hurts. i knew it would. i cant eat without being punished.

it hurts so bad it hurts so bad it hurts so bad it hurts so bad

i dont like myself and i dont know how much longer i can keep pretending i do. im so hollow

ohhh its an arfid relapse. that makes sense actually

i wish i could get my nutrients intravenously bc then maybe it wouldnt all be contaminated

also ed recovery is hanging by a thread rn and i honestly dont know what to do. im terrified of relapsing in a house full of recovering ed havers . but i dont know how else to feel in control of anything

trying to quit nicotine after being on it for all of two (2) months and holy fuck im miserable. but at least me and bf are getting clean together

everything is just so much all the time

ive been feeling so uneasy with age regression recently and its making the system littles upset :(

its working !! ive still been picking but only at the itchy ones which is a big improvement lol

pretty sure i developed the weed anorexia thing everyone was talking about ... ive barely been able to force food in me since i started withdrawing

did my nails so i can hopefully stop picking off all my scabs lmao

night 2 of kratom. hopefully can restock weed tmrw too . bf gets back this weekend so i prob wont b posting much. we r gonna sleep and smoke and cuddle and bake and set up holiday decor and i am Not letting my relapse ruin it

this is the smoothest comeup ive had w any substance which is saying something bc i have abnormally strong side effects from even otc meds

WAIT FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE KRATOM

never realized just how much i was replacing sh with drugs until i ran out of drugs lmao

there is ugly sludge coating my insides and i need to bleed it out

why does everything hurt like last year again i fucking hate ptsd why does it feel like its happening all over again for the first time

i cant feel my left arm very well is all numb n tingly and my fingers wont move good but i wana go deeper i wana

i got blood all over my favorute sheets it kept spilling when i wasnt looking

nothing i have ever done has been good enough

ivcant stop cutting i hate everything abkht myself why am i never strong enough to keep my lovdd ones safe

i hate december i hate december i hate december i hate december

smoked the last of my weed and nic in the same day . tomorrow is gonna b interesting

also we r just barely scrape by w rent for one more month thank FUCKING god . i just hope i can get a job soon. im so tired of not having my own income

POV: you're going to blockbuster on a saturday afternoon in the 2000s

semi recovery has done wonders for my hair and nails ngl

i called 4 more r3nt assistance programs today and still no luck . i feel so ashamed of myself . i feel like it's my fault for not pulling my fucking weight like i promised i would

deleting the posts bc im paranoid but ty to everyone who responded genuinely it helps

want to lose myself

i can tell i lost s little in the past week and its the only thing keeping me sane rn

just made arepas con queso for the first time and omg so filling and such a safe texture for my autism

had to take lax bc i got exposed to gluten and its triggering me so bad . i just wana feel empty forever

i brushed my teeth and did skincare and got into fresh clothes and painted my nails

also gonna try to build the habit of drinking tea when i get binge urges, it's worked well for me in the past and it's less caffeine than coffee but enough to hopefully curb my appetite

meal planning until i get paid BREAKFAST - tea - coffee - canned fruit LUNCH - oatmeal with fruit - chickpea flour pancakes DINNER - rice with tuna & peas - bean & tomato soup - fried eggs & lunch meat - lentils (look up recipes) SNACK - otter pops - popcorn - chips & salsa - nicotine (lol)

today i think ill have popcorn and more tea and maybe a protein shake later. cal goal is 800 but im not gonna beat myself up if i need to eat more. maybe i can set up lil rewards for meeting my cal goals too. also think i might do my makeup today. can u tell im coming up on my stims lol

11/26 INTAKE - tortilla chips - zero sugar powerade - big bowl of rice with pineapple and sugar - mug of tea EXERCISE - walked 2-3 miles SUMMARY i felt less lethargic and overstimulated compared to binge days. a bit of nausea and presyncope but nothing too severe

im wasting my athlete genetics on a mid body . i probably gained up to bmi 22 (kill me)

i miss the structure and routine of restricting

maybe i can just try to exercise more and reduce sugar, both are things that would benefit me anyway