want to lose myself

i can tell i lost s little in the past week and its the only thing keeping me sane rn

just made arepas con queso for the first time and omg so filling and such a safe texture for my autism

had to take lax bc i got exposed to gluten and its triggering me so bad . i just wana feel empty forever

i brushed my teeth and did skincare and got into fresh clothes and painted my nails

also gonna try to build the habit of drinking tea when i get binge urges, it's worked well for me in the past and it's less caffeine than coffee but enough to hopefully curb my appetite

meal planning until i get paid BREAKFAST - tea - coffee - canned fruit LUNCH - oatmeal with fruit - chickpea flour pancakes DINNER - rice with tuna & peas - bean & tomato soup - fried eggs & lunch meat - lentils (look up recipes) SNACK - otter pops - popcorn - chips & salsa - nicotine (lol)

today i think ill have popcorn and more tea and maybe a protein shake later. cal goal is 800 but im not gonna beat myself up if i need to eat more. maybe i can set up lil rewards for meeting my cal goals too. also think i might do my makeup today. can u tell im coming up on my stims lol

11/26 INTAKE - tortilla chips - zero sugar powerade - big bowl of rice with pineapple and sugar - mug of tea EXERCISE - walked 2-3 miles SUMMARY i felt less lethargic and overstimulated compared to binge days. a bit of nausea and presyncope but nothing too severe

im wasting my athlete genetics on a mid body . i probably gained up to bmi 22 (kill me)

i miss the structure and routine of restricting

maybe i can just try to exercise more and reduce sugar, both are things that would benefit me anyway

bf is gonna be gone for a few weeks and im so tempted to relapse and see how much i can lose before he gets back :( but im sure he would notice right away and be triggered by it

anyway missed you all and i hope everyone is surviving as best they can

hi guys. been a while. how is everyone? sorry for disappearing with no warning for 5 months. since ive been gone i survived a suicide attempt, almost lost the house multiple times, got back together with my boyfriend, met him in person for the first time, and got my first job interview in 4 yrs

drawing tdick to quell The Voices

don wana go to my apointment i wana stay home n be schizo in peace

what if no one abused me and i was just born a sexual deviant :( what if i falsely accused him

tw bc arm check gained a lot. im so flabby now. trying not to let it get me down

its good that im too socially isolated to access hard drugs bc even dxm has me wishing i could trip 24/7

none of this is self deprecation. im just reminding myself who i am. i mustn't forget im subhuman

need more bruises need more pain maybe someone will love me then

i have only my shame

compulsive sexual behaviors

i just want to safely regress just once just once

hes alive. i think i died a hundred times waiting for his reply. nothing is real. nothing has meaning. i despise every inch of myself

checking the same 2 apps for hours waiting for him to say hes still alive

i dont have blades that r sharp enough for what i want to do to myself

sick sick sick sick sick im so sick im so sick i want to cut open my soft little tumy and pull out all my ugly rotten insides and string them around my neck as a noose

so tired i dont want to heal now that im safe i want to wallow in all the horrific shit that happened

anyway things are rocky at the new place but more stable than i could have ever hoped for and now i have to figure out how to live again

tw csa crazy how being sexually exploited pre puberty makes me feel like im a decade and a half past my prime at 24!! lmao!! my youth is gone and no one will love me because i am old and ugly and impure

today the bus driver told me i was the lightest wheelchair hes ever had to lift

i dont think i feel good

anyyway i foudn a new fav sh methkd BRUISING mylegs r sooo pretyy annd i can hust say its a chronuc ilness thing (which it also is )

whats funy is that i was just talkign yestrday abt how i havntt atempted in a whule and how i dint even feel suicdal anymtoe LOL stuoif bitch u have bpd !!!!!!!! have u elarned. nithing

oh wow my vision is really funy

idont rember how maby i took it wasbt thay much itgought ?? i hysr wabted evrything ti stop hurtung

just got to keep having my breakdowns quietly and far away from anyone who might be hurt by them

im so fucking depressed why am i depressed i should be happy and relieved and energized but i cant feel anything except shame and emptiness

btw theres a minor w no age in bio who's going around following mdni accounts and then getting upset when they get blocked. idk why minors think the concept of boundaries doesn't apply to them. if u cant follow a simple and obvious boundary then ur not mature enough to follow me anyway

i gained so much and i feel and look disgusting lol i need to trigger myself right now

i dont know who i am i dont know where i am i cant find the other alters im nobody and im stuck and im scared

ijus want t evryone to love me forevr 💞 iwabt to be perfectr sweet angel never bad or gross or do ajyrhing wrong or selfish ever i want to b quiet and prety and small and i dont know whatse wrong w me

sewing is such a pleasurable agony

also i prob wont be very active on here for a while, or if i am, i might rework my whole acct. my system always has rly dramatic host rotations when we move. i dont know who im going to be after this month :')

i love u guys so much thank u for helping me get thru some of the most stressful months of my life

im so fucking tired but we r settling in well. ive been eating so much but im burning pretty much all of it while lifting + cleaning and im lowkey jacked now??? my pecs and arms r THRIVING

first night at new place. its so quiet. all the appliances match the ones in my childhood home, but thats not a bad thing. lots to be done still, but i will love doing it. i heard my best friend laugh in a way i thought they never would again