I genuinely need to know what percentage of the Internet was unable to clock that @chubicki.bsky.social was being facetious when he suggested Jimmy Fallon was sending him into an emotional spiral because his deadpan is exactly how I would have reacted to that whole nonsense as well.

Jeff challenging everyone to beat him at an endurance challenge has real “Jon Montgomery demoing all the #AmazingRaceCanada challenges” energy. #Survivor

This is me tonight and tomorrow…please send me all the good thoughts and tell me I’m a frickin badass.

Any D&D player who’s playing as a bard, learns Fireball, and doesn’t cast it by playing the Pitbull song is doing it wrong.

I need someone else to put on Netflix and watch “Eat Pray Bark.” My thoughts on it are not nuanced but I need a social media buddy to receive them.

Rizo decides not to bother looking for a hidden advantage because everyone else is, and odds are slim. I’m thinking “this is how it would be for me on #Survivor.” Camera pans to the advantage, three feet from his not-bothering-to-look ass, & I’m thinking “this is DEFINITELY how it’d be for me.”

I literally laughed out loud at this. Well played, Andy.

It is a perfectly fine and healthy choice to step away from social media AND television for an evening and watch #Survivor tomorrow morning. It is also fine to not do that if your mental health will suffer more from accidentally getting spoiled, or if you refuse to let that man steal any more joy.

Who y’all cheering for going into the 17-person merge? Personally I’m Team Smarf. #Survivor

Stop auto-playing Amazing Race after #Survivor, Paramount Plus! I’m off the clock!

#Survivor: Angelina, will you come back to play season 50? Angelina: yes, but on one condition. 🧥🧥🧥🧥🧥🧥🧥🧥🧥

Probst ran out of fucks to give and replaced them with impressions and it is GIVING ME LIFE. #Survivor

I made the mistake of telling my son about Overexplaining Colby and now he is making me explain literally everything in the game as Overexplaining Colby. I’m starting to wish he hadn’t decided he liked #Survivor all of a sudden.

“Mom, do you think watching #Survivor could be a special thing we do together?” “…” “Mom, are you crying?” “It’s just …I’ve waited ten years for this moment.” “Since before I was born?!?”

My 9yo suddenly expressed an interest in watching #Survivor so I put on the first ep of season 50 for him. His favorites so far are Jonathan and Ozzy and I’m like, I didn’t raise you to be a damn casual.

Shout out to the random level 72 #PokemonGo player in our neighborhood who jumped in on our raid after my kid and I failed to win a Kleavor raid by ourselves on the first try. Never saw the guy in person but he did us a solid.

Happy release day to @foggysunrise.bsky.social, whose cozy urban fantasy “Sea Blooms” is as original as it is adorable. Getting to read it in its earlier form was a genuine delight and I can’t wait to reread it now that it’s out: a.co/d/00NTiti3

The #Survivor reward would have been so much more entertaining if they’d taken the “Gene Kelly hosting the Muppet Show” approach of sending Zac Brown to camp to hang with them, and then having him resolutely refuse to sing or acknowledge his career in any way.

My 9-year-old son keeps asking #Survivor questions that he thinks are troll questions but end up devolving into this meme.

In 2004ish my roommate’s improv coach was @paulscheer.com. I vaguely recall attending his birthday party. Had I known he was a #Survivor fan I could’ve made my presence there 600% less awkward. Obvs 2004 Jess & 2026 Jess are equally jazzed to hear him podcast with @robcesternino.bsky.social.

After looking at a display about Vega at the Museum of Natural History this afternoon, I talked the offspring into watching “Contact” with me and maybe I’m just of a certain age, but for my money this is still the greatest dress in cinematic history.

Christian is following in the giant, emotive footsteps of Eliza Orlins in the realm of outsized facial expressions. And so far he’s carrying the torch admirably. #Survivor

I think everyone’s looking at this wrong. #Survivor

Why I would be bad at #Survivor: my reaction to a random dude pitching an alliance by giving me a list of all the ways I’m playing badly would put a target on me at best and would get me ejected from the game at worst.

Google AI is turning into that dude on your Facebook friends page who sees your request for a personal recommendation and copy-pastes the top Google result without considering if that’s something you’ve already tried.

#Survivor50 already had my attention but Jeff Probst having his “ridiculous” dial set to 11 is sealing the deal. Making the contestants drop a beat while he didactically rhymes like a 1980s rapper on a K-Tel ad has me locked in.

Say what you like about Billie Eilish, but at least she has introduced a new game mechanic, unlike Tyler Perry who suggested something that was already tried and didn’t really work. #Survivor

Honestly if I go on #Survivor and I pull an orange buff, I might just turn around and go home.

The look on Christian’s face after reading the words “Hey, it’s Billie Eilish” is the best thing I’ve ever seen and thus #Survivor’s editors somehow manage to give an overall positive edit to a guy while showing him crapping his pants in the same episode.

I’ve paid tepid attention to new-era #Survivor, but suddenly the returnee cast has my full attention and I remember the new-era players better than I expected. I guess I’ve become a damn casual in my old age.

Christian’s son will find something relatable about his father’s #Survivor experience much sooner than anyone guessed.

My reaction to the immunity idol was, obviously, DAMN. #Survivor

Rizo’s father is one year older than I am, which, rude. #Survivor

Extended conversation about toes with Dee in the frame the entire time: #Survivor knows what it’s doing.

Actually, getting stuck overnight with someone who’s really ticked off at a third person is probably the best-case scenario because nothing bonds people like talking shit about people behind their backs. #Survivor

Three strong dudes waving floppy poles around for an hour: #Survivor knows what it’s doing.

Everyone check off “old school player complains that someone’s not working around camp” on your #Survivor bingo card.

Half of America votes to deliberately make people miserable while half votes for something that personally costs them nothing but would help others. #Survivor is yet again an unwitting microcosm.

The wildest thing about this #Survivor season is the fact that I’ve only personally met one person from the cast in real life, and that was only because Bloom and I were sitting behind her and he offered to introduce me. 🧵

I had the most horrified split second when I thought the #Survivor retrospective was giving air time to [redacted] followed by the most Comic Book Guy moment of my life where I was like, “actually, Elisabeth Filarski Hasselbeck was not cheering for Colby in that scene.”

Not me taking the bus this morning so I can be above ground to get caught up on the #Survivor Quarter Quell.

This guy gets it.

I’m at the bookstore. I’m at the Jeff Probst autograph line. I’m at the combination bookstore and Jeff Probst autograph line.

If they don’t learn anything else over the course of the journey, at least everyone on this season of #LoveIsBlindUS will leave the pods knowing how to spell the name of the state they live in.

Come on, @nytimes.com Spelling Bee. This word is perfectly cromulent.

We haven’t even started the season yet and “Overexplaining Colby” is already the @robcesternino.bsky.social breakout character of Season 50. #RHAP

#RHAP recently aired a podcast about all the times Rob made people mad and the biggest one I, personally, was involved in didn’t even get a mention, which means that dude & his weird beef are completely irrelevant. It’s really giving that Mad Men scene with Jon Hamm and Jonah from “Superstore.”

Any of my skeeps watching “School Spirits”? I started it as a laundry show and now I’m kind of emotionally invested.

#ThePitt is a great show for many reasons, but this week, when I told my son about one particular scene it got him eating a giant bowl of vegetables instead of a fifth piece of toast.

So I’ve hit the ground running on my new podcast endeavor and friends, it’s gonna be so good. I’m super hyped. Stay tuned… #vaguesky #RHAP