Just finished a dnd campaign my character is definitely not gonna become an evil organized crime boss/cultist that will need to be defeated and/or killed in a future campaign or anything I'm a good boy I swear.

Ah shit babe I'm gonna ooze.

Need me a girl who will eat the teeth right out my mouth.

I'd like to make it explicitly clear that I was nowhere near Paris today and I hate jewels.

If I ran a company could I legally require all employees to shave their heads bald?

"Is Nightmare Before Christmas a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie?" Man fuck you I turned the gas on in your house you'd better run on home before a spark blows your shit up. Idiot.

"You don't like ska?" *Hrk* *hrk* *starts wretching and vomiting everywhere*.

At the point now where I see the name of some place in Japan and I think "oh yeah like the racecourse".

"Arriving today" my fucking ass just took an uber out to the place my shit should have been delivered to only to find it not there Amazon should have to reimburse me the ride fare. Don't tell me I should have checked that it was delivered before I left I didn't think to I'm too trusting I guess.

The worst part about being a fan of folk punk is trying to acquire physical copies of albums. Well that or listening to the music.

Sorry (not sorry) babe Evil Fucking Wizard stays on during sex.

Whiskey in the jar? No thanks I prefer it in my tummy.

They actually gave me an extra taquito this time I'm still at a net negative but maybe things are finally starting to come up Mr. Big Penis.

I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me

This and a pack of American Spirits.

Saw Rocky Horror recently and it didn't awaken shit in me.

[maɪ ˈstupɪd ˈfʌkɪŋ kɑɹ bɹoʊk daʊn əˈɡɛn aɪ ˈɹili kænt əˈfɔɹd ə fɹɛʃ tɹɪp tu ðə mɪˈkænɪks ˈɛvɹ̩i ˈkʌpl̩ mʌnθs].

Is a man a sandwich (the answer may surprise you)?

[aɪ ˈɔlwiz heɪt ɪt wɛn ðɛɹz sʌm dʌm ˈklɪkˌbeɪt ˈbʊlˌʃɪt əˈbaʊt "hiɹz waɪ juː ʃəd ˈnɛvəɹ du ðɪs" ænd ði ˈænsəɹ tɜɹnz aʊt tə bi "biˈkəz ɪts ɪˈliɡəl" laɪk bɹoʊ ðæts nɑt ˈɡʌnə stɑp mi aɪ doʊnt ɡɪv ə fʌk].

The problem with being a nudist is tripping over my big penis when I'm just trying to walk around.

[ˈɡ̩nə stɑɹt ˈɡoʊɪŋ ʌp t̩ foʊks æt ðə ɡʌn ɹeɪndʒ ænd ˈæskɪŋ ɪf aɪm ˈpɹɪntɪŋ ænd ðɛn daɪˈɹɛktɪŋ ðɛɹ əˈtɛnʃɪn tɪ maɪ ˈmæsɪv ˈpækɪdʒ].

[waɪ ðə fʌk ɪz maɪ ˈvɔɪˌsmeɪl bɑks soʊ smɑl]? [foʊnz hæv weɪ mɔɹ ˈstɔɹɪdʒ ˈnaʊəˌdeɪz waɪ ði ˈɑɹbɪˌtɹɛɹi ˈlɪmɪt]?

My superpower is that people who only kind of know me think I'm autistic.

Sorry but the most positive view of the future is one where we create godlike AGI and set it loose into the galaxy and then die off on our little rotting rock like we deserve. If you disagree with me I'm gonna report you to the Basilisk.

[dæm ðiz bɪtʃɪz ɑɹ ˈɹili ˈtʃeɪsɪn maɪ peɪs bət ðeɪ eɪnt ˈkɛtʃɪn ɪt].

Holy shit just got an email from my boss apparently they're flaying me alive today so I guess I've got that to look forward to.

Sorry but OoT Link wrecks Absolute Batman 100% of the time I don't make the rules.

I wish my penis had been this big when I was born they'd've never been able to circ me.

Bro we've lost the mandate of heaven I repeat the emperor has lost his rizz the empire is so cooked there's people from Ohio at the gates I don't know any more slang but I think you get the picture.

I want me a woman who will just blow my head smoove off.

I want my worms back.

Fuck/Marry/Kill is just Greed/Need/Pass.

[bɹoʊz ə dɪˈvaɪn ˈkɛtʃəɹ].

yeah i think this is pretty much what richard garfield intended

[ɡɑt bɪt baɪ ə bʌɡ ɑn ðə weɪ hoʊm fɹəm wɜɹk ðɪs ɪz ˈfʌkɪŋ ˈbʊlˌʃɪt wi ʃəd bɹɪŋ bæk ðoʊz ˈpɛstɪˌsaɪdz ðæt dɪˈstɹɔɪ ˈikoʊˌsɪstəmz].

[eɪ dɪˈmɑnɪk sɛkt ˈmɛmbəɹ ˈkʌltɪˌveɪtɪd təˈdeɪ dɪd ju]?

What if instead he was called Gel Silverstein and he wrote poetry about haircare products (a topic which he was entirely unqualified to cover).

[ɡɪv mi jɜɹ ˈkɹɛdɪt kɑɹd ˌɪnfɜɹˈmeɪʃɪn].

[mai bɪɡ ˈpinɪs ɪz soʊ fʌkɪŋ hjudʒ ju doʊnt̚ ˈivɪn noʊ].

[fɹʌm naʊ ɑn aim ˈoʊnli ˈtwitɪŋ laik ðɪs ɪf ju kænt ɹid ðɪs ðɛn ɡɪt bɛnt].

If corporations are people then what's the slur for them? It's not corpo that's just someone who works for a corporation.

IDK if this is a hot take or not but songs that have like a 10 minute silent gap and then a secret extra track should just be split in three on streaming services. It should be s1 then x minutes of silence then s2 so that you don't have to fuck up your playlists and can listen to s2 on its own.

They should make like a version of the Sopranos but it's actually good.

Yeah ok I got left behind too but it's not because I'm one of you unrepentant sinners or anything it's just that I couldn't fit through the gates on account of my big penis.

I commit tax fraud in the name of nostalgia I didn't pay taxes as a child why would I know?

If I ever have kids I'mma tell 'em that if they don't eat their vegetables then a giant 40ft tall bear will charge out of the forest and "beareak" their shins. That oughta learn 'em. Like and subscribe for more Big Penis Parenting Tips.

Nooo please I swear I'm a good consoomer I buy product!

They're just using division hate and the constant threat of violence as an obfuscation for the biggest pump and dump ever committed.

They should make a store where you can go and buy groceries.

Fuck you buddy I'm gonna marry your dad and make him change his last name to Penis.