If I was like 6'3" I'd go around telling folks I was 5'11" just to fuck with guys who are just barely "tall".

"He lix on my drill till I deal 6000 damage".

Me when I am.

Why's it always the assholes on the left side of the road who don't know how to drive?

I just looked across the bar and saw my own future it was a grim visage.

Mfers will rib you for jamming The Reason by Hoobastank as if it doesn't go so fucking hard it hurts when I pee sometimes.

Radio Head fans will lock you in the disbelief basement just to make you listen to one of their songs.

If I won the lottery the first thing I would do is have all of my teeth surgically removed.

Me on my period.

What is it with my family and nearly suffocating themselves with corn?

This month makes my big penis feel bigger.

I think my real problem is that I've got too much "fuck it we ball" in me.

"Ok hear me out" bro I would fuck a toaster I DO fuck a toaster I call it Fuck Toaster and what we have is love nothing you could say will surprise me.

They should make like cocaine that you can smoke.

They should remake total recall (or at least that one scene) but it's a guy with 3 balls.

My head feels so empty rn.

I don't need legal weed I need a legal railroad spike that doesn't kill you driven into my brainstem but I guess I'll settle for the grass.

Werewolves who drive stick be like "she clutch on my stick till I shift".

I can feel the walls closing in but it's okay I'll just prop them apart with my big penis like in star wars.

LET. IT. FUCKING. RIDE.

Sorry I'm late boss your mother and I were a little busy "celebrating Mother's Day".

Need a new hand truck for to haul around my big penis.

Machine! Smoke crack now!

It's a good thing I wasn't born a century earlier 'cause I absolutely woulda blown all my money shooting craps.

I want to acquire some expensive raw heavyweight selvedge jeans just to wash them and treat them like all my other clothes and piss off all those pretentious pantsheads.

I'd almost forgotten how fun it is to clean while high.

Why the FUCK does google docs insist on reformating things when you download as a word doc? Fuck you google you absolutely vile pos company. Just turned in a final research paper only to realize that half my references are incorrectly formatted but only in the version I downloaded.

Blues is the original goth music.

Honestly who cares? Tell me when it fucking works.

This what good head does to you.

This fucking weather is gonna kill me dog 30 on my way to work 60 on my way back how am I meant to prepare for this?

Happy now today! Sadly I can't actually celebrate currently.

"It's so long I have to wrap it around my leg".

"She wants that hot nut".

My forehead veins are bulging more and more by the day.

do you wanna come over and juice our peens

Why the FUCK does microsoft think it's at all acceptable for web powerpoint to recenter the view every time you click when zoomed in? I'm tryna move stuff over here don't put me over there where I can't see what I'm working on you vapid piece of shit!

If you've got a problem with intellectuals you're pretty much just admitting you're stupid.

Cat keeps running up and yelling at me while I'm on the toilet like dog I'm shittin' leave me alone for like 5 minutes!

The only video game I've had time to play so far this month is wordle.

Sometimes when my cat's done cleaning herself she smells like a wet scarf after a day out in the snow.

Goth wedding blood bath rave when?

I'm starting to get to the "I'd rather just sit at home and read a book" stage of my life.

If you know what day it is.

Guys I'm really trying I'm channeling all my psychic energy I swear I'm gonna get us out of this mess I just don't sleep so well these days so I'm not at full power.

I keep finding people's clothes left in the laundry machines for hours I'm just gonna start pissin' on 'em.

The best part about Neutral Milk Hotel is you listen to some of their stuff and you're like "damn who could have made something like that?" and then you see a picture of them and it all makes sense.

SG-1 but O'Neill asks Kowalsky for a kiss before the surgery instead of some dumb stereo.