“Yul Brynner in drag kinda turns me on”, she whispered to her cat, who sniffed her arm in response

Werner Herzog’s “Grizzly Man” but it’s the Charmin bears and they maul Timothy Treadwell and use his skin as toilet paper

*Breathy supermodel voice* “Mickey Rooney’s Potato Fantasy”

I never thought I could say “Get your butthole off my phone” more than five times in 20 minutes but then this cat happened

I will NEVER forgive Cookie Monster for “Cookies are a Sometimes Food”. That fucker sold out to Big Nutrition

If you want to believe in astrology, then absolutely believe in it. Have fun with life in whatever way you can. I like to think Greg Lake’s ghost comes to me at night and says “Should we do the scene in Ghostbusters where Dan Aykroyd gets a BJ from a ghost tonight?” And I go “yep”

The toxoplasmosis is definitely responsible for making us keep buying $90 cat toys despite them only wanting to play with wadded up pieces of paper

According to Sci Fi, shouldn’t we just be able to present a paradox to AI and it’ll blow up? “If I am liar but I’m telling the truth about being a liar, then—“ *Roomba suddenly belches smoke and dies*

This idiot thinks that my cat is in front of his enclosure to feed him. He falls off of low branches. Not an instinct left. 11/10 would have 50 of him if I could

I don’t take naps, I just close my eyes, decompose in bed for a few hours, and whatever’s left falls on the floor after getting stuck in the duvet cover for an additional 20 minutes

Describe your cat’s personality with one photo

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

I’d love to come but I sang both Stevie Nicks’ and Tom Petty’s parts in “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” and I’m exhausted

If Mamdani wins, then there will be no Christmas. Everyone will be converted and forced to pray to the Time Cube.

My old boss thought I was “one of the guys” apparently and told me he and his girlfriend were roleplaying Putin and Ukraine in bed and just…fuck men.

Can’t believe no kids wanted my feeder mice last night :(

My generation complaining about how 6-7 isnt funny when we legit screamed “WAAAAZZZAAAAAAAAAAP” at each other for hours at a time

We the perimenopausal acknowledge that we must worship Stevie Nicks, and that “Edge of Seventeen” is our song

When I’m high I watch Greatest American Hero and eat maple fudge

It me

Hey I think I’ll watch Deep Space Nine oh look Odo’s having weird alien goo sex again

My biblically accurate pumpkin

Here’s what to know about snakes: -they don’t chase you -they do not “size you up” to decide whether or not they can eat you (they’re opportunistic and planning is above their brains’ pay grade) -they don’t want to bite you. They’ll try SO many things first to ward you off -mine is a sweetie goober

Does Stephen J. Cannell mean nothing to this dog?!

Here have some dogs

I’m that idiot at the dog park who talks to my clients’ dogs like they’re people but can’t socialize with actual humans

You know, I think that if the inflatable frog costumes get sold out, the people of Portland should pivot to Kermit the frog

Today marks 44 years since I burst out of my egg sac and started leaving my noxious digestive juices on everything. I’m sorry about all your couches. …and the toy poodles.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and all I want is… For him to shit himself to death.

Every night I’ve been getting high with a spider. I sit under the stairwell for the tenant above me so nobody from the HOA can see me,and I smoke next to a big brown widow in her web. I always say hi to her, and she always answers with “wait, you’re not food, get the fuck back in your house”

Let’s reboot the X Files but make it really shitty

My noodly little coffee buddy

I woulda called out “Bleedy McThroatsquirt”

Writing “WHO THE FUCK CARES?” on every Nextdoor post until I’m banned

I keep trying to tell my cat that this is his new brother and he keeps telling me he’s “not sure that’s genetically possible”. I miss the days where he just went “meow”

Ok well I think I’m depressed enough to get back into stand up open mics

Quick, everybody, we can steal the government right now while nobody’s there

Having depression during all of this blows ass. All my love to you if your stupid head is like mine.

“Dumpster fire” isn’t strong enough. We’re experiencing “gas station toilet bowl full of trucker pee that is somehow flammable” fire.

Saw a reel about a teenage boy with road rage. He thinks he’s so scary! It’s adorable. Now wake me up when you’re a 44 year old woman with enough repressed anger from years of not being taken seriously to scare the shit out of a bull elephant.

The perimenopausal urge to start wearing nothing but southwestern style shit and punk shit but nothing else

My snake giving off big “Bugs Bunny knew he should have turned left at Albuquerque” vibes

Other phrases etched on the bullets found at the ICE deportation center after the shooting: -George Soros Forever -Antifa made me do it -How Do You Do, Fellow Leftist Terrorists -ICE is bad -the government is dumb -That Kash Patel Guy is Great at his Job

Update: it still really sucks to have feelings for someone who got a girlfriend. Ps: I wish I could stop feeling worthless because of it. And I also wish I could lobotomize myself.

We’re seeing boycotts work. We’re seeing actual results. LET’S DO MORE

Okay well Earthquake BlueSky is not nearly as fun as Earthquake Twitter was.

This is Nicholas, an 8 year old beagle mix who deserves to be a social media king. He’s at Compassion Without Borders, a rescue up here in Northern California and he’s been looking for a new home for a while. Why should you adopt him? Because he is a loveable misfit. Just look at him!

I used that moment of silence for Charlie Kirk to rip the juiciest fart I’ve ever mustered

“My dearest, as you know you are my gay lover as well as my roommate. I am confessing to you that I have been responsible for MURDER MOST FOUL. As you also know, I cannot allow such hatred spewed forth from Charlie Kirk to continue. It was I, your gay lover (as we are gay and in love) who killed him

All I really want in life is a black goat who, from time to time, asks me if I’d like to live deliciously. I’d say no, then try to make him eat a can like in cartoons.