genuinely atp i need a psych ward stay (not in america) but i do not have time away from work

people forget you're autistic if you're pretty enough apparently then act surprised or blame u when u ask for accommodations

my heart is in so much pain

working is destroying my mental and physical health. i genuinely will die if i keep this up, I've already had a few strokes and my mental health can't even keep up anymore. but i need the money

i need to free myself from all of this

reinvention, evolution, metamorphosis, skin shedding

i can't remember the last time it was all okay

You need to do something to justify the pain but what could possibly justify so much suffering

Every night I stare at the ceiling wondering what it must be like to be a real person

suffering is only romantic when its fictional

i need time to heal. like in a hospital. bit i can't take any time away from work

not even funny ive never been this close to my limit even when i was homeless

one of the hardest parts about childhood cptsd is trying not to spiral back into thoughts of what could've been

what do you do when you're trying but its still not good enough

the worst part about surviving is what it turns you into

i didn't even notice when i stopped believing in love. whether gradually or suddenly i went from a life as a hopeless romantic, spending my days dreaming away to that spark just gone, leaving an empty bitter place i hadn't noticed

maybe buddhists are onto something about no material attachment because sure i live in a great house with beautiful things now vs when i was homeless but i was never happier and freer than living out of a van, caves, on the beach with nothing but hope and my best friend

atp im just gonna use social media like tinder bc its always some couple looking for a 3rd, some girl cheating, or someone who never messages back or gets too nervous

i hatr that to be a lesbian u gotta be confident but then confidence also intimidates all of them

1 month between

i change my appearance so fucking much i gotta update my photos every week

the lesbians keep getting distracted by my swag

i need to start seeing older women again i can't deal with ts

why are lesbians so serious, just FUCK!!! u don't need to move in or get married after the first date

tinder is hopeless for anything quick or casual if you're a lesbian

fuck love let it rot

the only thing that makes me feel real is pain

one day you'll wake up to find I've disappeared

some of my earliest memories are of crying waiting for someone to save me but that doorway is empty still. no one is coming so get up

forgot about ketamine, my only real love

who else up begging the gods to save them from themselves

maybe i should cast a love spell on myself so i can feel hope again

i need to start using more magic for myself

i wish i had anyone in my life who cared enough to ask

"you should talk to a therapist about that not me" alright i mean i get it but we'll never be able to be close then bc that's 99.9% of who i am gang

I'm so tired of trying to reach out and hearing nothing. you don't want to be in my life? stay out of it then

i have to be so careful to not accidentally traumadump by just mentioning anything even surface level about my life so i just stay silent and suffocate instead

i wish i knew how to let people in but all my time is spent working

i need to feel alive by any means necessary

i'll pay someone to come hurt me

wouldn't it be nice to be understood

I'll never find someone who matches my freak (emotionally mentally spiritually sexually)

2003 was the last year i was truly happy

[Insert monologue about a damaged child here]

leave me alone but also don't let me be alone

pain becomes pleasure when its the only thing you know

you want to date me? bitch idk who i even am