Oh my god. This image is so important!!!

these scissors are made for killin' and that's just what they'll do

Getting really fucked up and convincing yourself jimmy neutron wasn't real and just a stupid thing you came up with. Printing out photos and saying you drew them.

Being bald is a Homer dominated field

Phrases to Help Maverick Fathers to Leave their Nuclear Family: "I was never going to be a 'for-life' dad..."

I make music for dogs btw. All of my music is music for dogs, even the soundtracks

TIME Magazine - the world's most important job: sperm bank ceo NYT - control the semen, control the world

The experienced cardisains who made the hit card games "Exploding Babies" and "Pizza Pizza Cat Ghost Pizza Ghost" have an incredible new card game for you: Who's GREEN BEAN is this? A game about lying, deception, and not telling the truth 🤫

more like NUDE HAMPSHIRE!

Name a game like this

Oh yeah thats the guy who sang vampire in jail. You dont know vampire in j-its the song that went "ohhhhh ohhhhhh vampire in jail! Vampire jail! Ohhhhh ohhhh vampire in jail! Vampire IN-CAR-CER-A-SHUN!" No? anyways I guess the news is saying he cheated on his wife

Referring to the F slur as "F-A-double hockey sticks"

Guy smoking POT, scrambles for PTO, wishes he was on TOP

Guy sipping on a 40oz can of hard seltzer with this label on it: [top of can] Whiteclaw WHITE WHALE Cherry Vanilla Naturally Flavored 13.9% ALC/VOL The attorney general says pregnant women can't have fun 😉 [bottom of can]

four panel comic

FOLLOWERS: steer clear of "Bobby Deepnight"

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daily reminder that after disabling your VPN to go on the Sunny D website that you turn your VPN back on when you're done

"I'm sorry I couldn't stand the sight of your soul...I was frightened by its true color" - Wrungler from Wrunglers Descent

Read this ten times fast: did he blood?

We need Pfizer to make crazy pills ASAP

me walking circles around my infant baby: listen kid, walking isn't something you can teach. yer either born with it, or ya not...

dear diary, my first day of being a medieval king has gone awry. today an intruder entered the castle, and i don't even know what I was trying to say, probably "seize him", but I shouted "GAURDS! SEDUCE HIM!" by accident and well. the chruch wrote me an angry letter abt it

his goal was simple...teach the world to jerk off the correct way, and do it in a way that even a fish could understand. What he didn't foresee was an event that would ruin public aquariums for half a century... JERKFISH - Documentary

DASTARDLY KIDS. YOU'LL NEVER FIND MY paramount+ basic plan subscription

sometimes I like two replies to a post that technically both disagree with eachother but both are good points. really I'm just here to facilitate higher thought on whether humans in the pokemon universe evolved from pokemon in some sort of neanderthal-homosapien situation

I do not fear the man that's scrubbed 1000 toilets. I fear the man whos scrubbed the same toilet 1000 times.

somebody named stacey just followed me everybody say "hello stacey"

Newsweek: How To Repair Permanent Throat Damage From Screaming - November 13th Newsweek: 4 Ways To Incorporate Screaming Into Your Productivity Workflow - November 11th

instead of infotainment in a car it should be a handle and pulling it reveals a built in air fryer

"HI. MY NAMES HARVEY. I DIGEST FOOD BY THROWING UP AND SWALLOWING IT AGAIN. CAN I INVADE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE?" - all bugs

crime around the world keeps going down. but the number of detectives always goes up. #correlation or #causation??

spongebob taught us that the good guys are small businesses and the bad guys are shitty small businesses

everybody needs a little piece of rotting lettuce on their desk. just a really tiny piece never hurt anybody

Hello Stranger, would you like to hear more about the DieAt50 Movement?

[MOVIETIPS] here's what fans might've missed: the text that reads "The Godfather" in the beginning is a clever reference to the subject matter of the rest of the film Please Donate To MOVIETIPS: [$20] [$50] [$100] [Rare Painting]* *Don't worry! MOVIETIPS will cover the cost of shipping!

PROBLEM: women can't find good men SOLUTION: in predominantly male prisons, allow prisoners to read feminist theory and learn how to contour with makeup. EXPLANATION: it will stimulate the creation of the most desirable man - the respectful, sexy dude with a deep and mysterious past.

Worst part of dysgraphia is when teachers in 1st grade said to me directly "and please use your best handwriting" only now as an adult do i know to say "you are not entitled to my best handwriting"

I don't think the chicken crossing the road is funny at all. that chicken could get hurt. people like you probably love it when animals get hurt I recon. I recon you torture animals. you might even soon realize that the only way to continue the thrill is to torture real people

"so you're saying you can't finish unless the other person is fat?" im SAYING... that good things cum to those who weight. very common turn of phrase my friend.

100,000 years ago humans didn't get sick, didn't go hungry, didn't have sex, didn't age, and didn't die. so this begs the question: what the hell happened? It's because we took lead OUT of our gasoline...

I tried, to the best of my ability, to recreate the 3 types of self help books

Email Header: you have a message from The FUCK YOU Company Email Message: Hi, CocaCola has officially been rebranded to The FUCK YOU Company

"jasons cock was incinerated, isn't that so sad?" jason's cock will be replaced with a brushed aluminum smartpenis with 3 different swapable cola flavors and 4 different instant ramen options. and I didn't even mention its size: it's the thinnest smartpenis on the market.

imagine the word "BONER" now imagine it getting bigger, and bigger, and reaaaaally rigid. are you doing it? I feel like you're not taking this seriously

personally im into BBBBBBBW (big bright brilliant bold brave boundless beautiful women)

Guy who can drink verbs: I just drank drive !!!!