4 out of 5 Dentists agree that the #NotTheHallmarkChannel shouldn't show movies like: 6 PM: The Molar Express 8 PM: Holiday Implant 10 PM: A Christmas Cavity 12 AM: Caries - Did You Know? 2 AM: Floss Navidad

Epstein files had enough blackouts to be next Secretary of Defense.

#NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes our fast food industry and their ad dollars: 6 PM: Holiday In-N-Out 8 PM: I'm Dreaming of some White Castle 10 PM: Arby's Home for Christmas 12 AM: Subway in a Manger 2 AM: We Three Burger Kings 4 AM: Sheetz Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel marks its own release of hidden files: 6 PM Jeffrey Did You Know? 8 PM How Still We See Thee Lie 10 PM It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cover-Up 12 AM [REDACTED]

Tired of happy, peppy, perky holiday movies? #NotTheHallmarkChannel is down with that, so we go beyond Blue Christmas with 6 PM: Malaise in a Manger 8 PM: Ennui Now Our Gray Apparel 10 PM: Angst to the World 12 AM: Good King Weltschmerz 2 AM: Melancholy on 34th Street

#NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes the Witness Protection Program, so here are our Christmas carols for those who sang in court: 8 PM: Holiday Incognito 10 PM: There's No Way I'm Home for the Holidays 12 AM: It's Wonderful to Have a Life 2 AM: Feliz on the Lam

#NotTheHallmarkChannel! opens a bottle of sake for these instant classics about feudal Japan: 6 PM: Samurai Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In 8 PM: Grandma Got Run Through By a Ronin 10 PM: Edo When You Are Sleeping, Edo When You're Awake 12 AM: Meiji Days Be Merry and Bright

Sign: Advent Calendars 50% off! Me: Well, Advent is over 54% done, so make me a better offer!

December 13th is St. Lucy's Day, and #NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes the patron saint of vision with these treats to feast your eyes upon: 6 PM: I Want An Ophthalmologist for Christmas 8 PM: It's a Wonderful Lens 10 PM: A Christmas Cornea 12 AM: Monocle on 34th Street

It's National Ding-A-Ling Day at #NotTheHallmarkChannel - do these films ring a bell? 6 PM: Go Toll It On the Mountain 8 PM: It's The Most Wonderful Chime of the Year 10 PM: A Christmas Clapper 12 AM: Holiday Tintinnabulation 2 AM: Give it a Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Maybe the Ramones don't wanna fight at Christmas, but #NotTheHallmarkChannel says the real first rule of Fight Club is to get riled up by watching 8 PM: I'll be Home for Fracas 10 PM: We Wish You a Melee Christmas 12 AM: Brawl Through the Night

December 10 is Dewey Decimal Day, so look up our library of #NotTheHallmarkChannel classics! 001 - 099 Rudolph the Red Nose References 100 - 199 All I Want for Christmas is Jung 200 - 299 Holiday Inspiration

Billy Joel never wrote a cheesy Christmas song, but #NotTheHallmarkChannel presents: 4 PM: North Pole State of Mind 6 PM: Yule May Be Right 8 PM: Elventown 10 PM: Only the Good Get Toys 12 AM: It's Still Lumps of Coal for Me 2 AM: We Didn't Start the Fireplace

One week early, but Tom Cruise celebrates Chanukah with a line-up of #NotTheHallmarkChannel movies that could be worse: 4 PM: Meshuggah Impossible: Goy Protocol 6 PM: A Few Good Menorahs 8 PM: Risky Brisket 10 PM: Born on the 24th of Kislev 12 AM: Top Goniff

St. Nicholas slapped a heretic in 325, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes his day with these two-fisted holiday classics! 4 PM: Fly Hard 6 PM: Nickboxer 8 PM: Saint Misbehavin' 10 PM: Bullet to the Sled 12 AM: Flight Club 2 AM: Last Elf Standing 4 AM: Yule Better Watch Out

Is Your Team Not Going to a Bowl Game? #NotTheHallmarkChannel is still tailgating with 4 PM: Holiday Interception 6 PM: I'll Be Home for the Foreseeable Future 8 PM: The Portal Express 10 PM: If We Make It Through December 12 AM: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Nothing says holidays like bagels, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel says "Open Sesame" to these instant classics: 6 PM: Sweetly Singing O'er The Plain 8 PM : Christmas Time is Schmear 10 PM: It's Beginning to Look a Lox Like Christmas 12 AM: Hole A Day Inn

Lest we forget primates with pouches, #NotTheHallmarkChannel has made the first-ever holiday flicks with marsupials in mind! 6 PM: Wallaby Home For Christmas 8 PM: It's a Wombat-ful Life 10 PM: All I Want for Christmas is Roo 12 AM: Have a Koala Jolly Christmas

It used to be Giving Tuesday, but with inflation it's now Loaning-With-12%-Interest Tuesday

#NotTheHallmarkChannel begins Advent with a Feast of the Seven Fishes: * Shad Yourself A Merry Little Christmas * Happy Halibuts * Mackerel on 34th Street * Gar Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen * Have a Mahi Mahi Christmas * Whiting in a Winter Wonderland * Baby It's Cod Outside

Tired of fluffy holiday films? Only #NotTheHallmarkChannel provides meaty movies, since these are literally about meat: 8 PM: It's a Wonderful Rib 10 PM: Holiday Angus 12 AM: Jingle Bell Chops 2 AM: We Wagyu A Merry Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel goes ape with our salute to Tarzan! 6 PM: It's a Wonderful Loincloth 8 PM: Jungle Bells 10 PM: That's What Christmas Means to Me, Tarzan. You, Jane? 12 AM: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cheeta 2 AM: Everybody's Waitin' for the Man with the Vine

I'm a wastewater engineer operating at a high food:mass ratio today IYKYK

'"An intelligent boy!" said Scrooge. Do you know if they sold the prize Turkey - Not the little prize Turkey: the big one?" "What, the one as big as me? It's hanging there now," replied the boy. "Too bad you can't afford it, stupid urchin!" - from 'Ebenezer's Thanksgiving'

To celebrate the opening of Casablanca, with risk of the end of a beautiful friendship, ‪#‎NotTheHallmarkChannel‬ has Humphrey Bogart as Kris Kringle in‬‬ 8 PM: Clausablanca 10 PM: The Maltese Santa 12 AM: To Have and Have Naughty 2 AM: The Clause Mutiny 4 AM: We're No Angels We Have Heard On High

There's a lot of pantless teleconferencing these days, and only #NotTheHallmarkChannel has movies about it! 6 PM: There's No Pants at Home for the Holidays 8 PM: The Christmas Boxers 10 PM: Holiday Inappropriate 12 AM: Baby, You Think It's Cold Outside

Let's all give thanks for #NotTheHallmarkChannel and our salute to English teachers! 6 PM: Grammar Got Run Over By a Reindeer 8 PM: Here, We Comma Caroling 10 PM: The Year Without a Subordinate Clause 12 AM: Gerunding Through the Snow 2 AM: Christmas in the Predicate

Thinking about an old improv partner who was a genius at creating spaces. With a few gestures, he could establish a bar, a factory, or a ball park. He was always There for me.

#NotTheHallmarkChannel celebrates No Shave November with some happy hairy holiday movies: 6 PM: Goatee It On the Mountain 8 PM: We Whisker a Merry Christmas 10 PM: Hair We Come, A-Caroling 12 AM: Barbasol Through The Night

1970 trip to drug store: Vitalis 2025 trip to drug store: Cialis History does not repeat, but it rhymes.

It's National Princess Day, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel makes your dreams come true with 8 PM: Merida on 34th Street 10 PM: Carol of the Belle 12 AM: Have Yourself a Mulan Little Christmas

What would you have tomorrow if you could only have what you are grateful for today?

#NotTheHallmarkChannel releases files of its own, such as 6PM Jeffrey Did You Know? 8PM You've Got Blackmail 10PM Adeste Infideles (O Come Ye Unfaithful) 12AM It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishiness

Priceless (link in comments)

To celebrate National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), #NotTheHallmarkChannel presents features which are just as bad as the books that spawned them: 8 PM: Holiday Ink 10 PM: It's Beginning to Look Like Plots for Christmas 12 AM: Writer's Block: The Real NaNoWriMo Nightmare Before Christmas

On this day, LSD is first made by Albert Hofmann. #NotTheHallmarkChannel expands your mind with these classics 6 PM: Hallucinate Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 8 PM: Do You Hear What I See 10 PM: Here Comes Santa Oh Wow He's Blue and Hairy and Why Are His Toes on fire oH Aa@a*O&G#$%

On #AmericaRecyclesDay , #NotTheHallmarkChannel is regifting these sustainable holiday classics! 6 PM: Receptacle on 34th Street 8 PM: Here We Go a-Composting 10 PM: Holiday Bin 12 AM: Jingle All the Waste 2 AM: All I Want for Christmas is Uses

National Pickle Day means #NotTheHallmarkChannel movies like 8 PM Jingle Dills 10 PM Gherkin Around the Christmas Tree 12 AM Vlasic Christmas, I Gave You My Heart

From 2015, #NotTheHallmarkChannel's salute to biologists who study lower life forms in these movies we found under, on, or near a rock: 8 PM: Moss Be Christmas 10 PM: It's a Wonderful Lichen 12 AM: Slime Dreaming of a White Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel is in the soup for serving up steaming bowls of holiday goodness, like 8 PM: Minestrone on 34th Street 10 PM: Chowder of the Bells 12 AM: Miso This is Christmas

I was just qualified for a position with the Justice Department. Unfortunately, it's as a Defendant.

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you obviously don't understand the situation." - old engineering proverb, per Bryon Rakoff

She was looking for man who grew crops for grazing and silage. A real Alfalfa male.

The Android operating system was released by Google this day in 2007! #NotTheHallmarkChannel invites you to download these instant classics: 8 PM: Tidings of Comfort, Android 10 PM: App on the Rooftop 12 AM: Here We Go a Googling 2 AM: Baby It's Code Inside

#NotTheHallmarkChannel has Elton John's salute to St. Nick! I'm Still Santa Don't Let the Sleigh Go Down on Me Someone Saved My Elf Tonight Naughty Seems to Be the Hardest Word The Bitch is Back-ordered Reindeer Man I Guess That's Why They Call It The Yule

On National Love Your Lawyer day, #NotTheHallmarkChannel presents new classics to which no judge will object: 8 PM: Mistrial on 34th Street 10 PM: I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus 12 AM: Holiday Injunction

Reminder: If you did Trunk-or-Treat, it's time to let them out of the trunk.

Porch Pirate of the Caribbean

National Knock-knock Joke Day. The Horror

All chocolate in the house is now in protective custody, better known as The Whitman's Protection Program