I'm not sure you can get more marie antoinette than taking away food stamps before thanksgiving while you build a gold and marble dance hall so the other crooks can bring bribe you over a badly-cooked (argentinian) steak

Reject tariffs! History has shown us that they only lead to economic depression and military aggression.

the Muppets have been real quiet since the Louvre heist

National Chemistry Week is here, celebrating "The Hidden Life of Spices." Without Chemistry, life would be bland! #NationalChemistryWeek

Welcome back, National Chemistry Week!

It's the 53rd Birthday of the Clean Water Act - Take a sewer to lunch!

New comedy show about Henny Youngman teaching calculus, called "Take My Derivative - PLEASE!"

The Hallmark Channel "Countdown to Christmas" starts tonight. As a traditionalist l, I don't celebrate until after National Chemistry Week.

When your specialist isn’t available for 9 months, that’s just their way of playing hard to get.

My Subway sandwich was so sloppily constructed, my sandwich artist must have been Jackson Pollock.

My Vegan friends are looking for a new football team to follow. They root for teams with green uniforms, and whose mascot doesn't have a face. They promised to hold an awesome kale-gate party!

I'm so old, I remember when restaurants didn't put bacon on every sandwich

Lo-Carb? How about Hello Carb?

Government shutdown continues: Marine Corps Band limited to three kazoos and an ocarina.

My love language is science

Nietzsche and P. G. Wodehouse share Oct 15 as their birthday. If they collaborated, they could have written Thus Spake Jeeves.

Winnie the Pooh was published this day in 1926. Did you forget? Oh, bother!

Concept album: group that follows Islamic dietary code but sings Gospel music. Working title "Halal-lelujah"

I hate it when people fight over the Nobel Peace Prize

Laszlo Krasznahorkai, who won the Nobel for literature, has work "characterised by absurdism and grotesque excess." Who knew you could win a Nobel for social media posts?

Why, I have appeared in your friend recommendations many times, Do we know each other? I doubt it - you're in a Singapore call center, and I'm part of a Russian bot farm. It just wouldn't work.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry awarded for metal-organic frameworks that can trap unwanted gases. Underwear manufacturers have prototypes in development.

Nobel Prize for Physics goes to experts in quantum mechanics. Their checks will both bounce and be good at the same time.

And the Nobel Prize in Medicine goes to the discoverers of the co-pay

I ate some bad tofu and got soymonella.

The year is 3/4 gone. Not unlike my mind.

Sean 'Diddy' Combs sentenced to more than 4 years in prison. Damn that’s like 28 in Snoop Dogg years

Missed out on Archbishop of Canterbury #Fixed

"The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it." - P. J. O'Rourke

40 was the new 30 and 60 was the new 50. 70 is still a train wreck.

I'm so proud of my new clone, I'm beside myself.

Day 28 of #ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth Prostate Haiku: Get your prostate checked Digital Rectal Exam Fate's Fickle Finger

US military units sent by President Trump, on their way up the Potomac River to Shepherdstown, West Virginia, to quell a sit-in protest at the Blue Moon Café, where alleged Antifa members are demanding free Wi-Fi with their coffee. ☕️🛜📢 #TheEnemyWithin

Einstein's most famous equation, e=mc^2, was published this day in 1905. Before that, he was no Einstein.

I miss my 50-year streak of not knowing who the Secretary of Health is or anything about them.

Reefer Madness, but it's Tylenol.

#ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth Day 25 Today in 1507, Giovanni Prostati discovered the prostate. His finding was furiously debated by the Royal Academy in Genoa until pizza was delivered. Galileo noted, " The weirdo who asked us to take off our pants was a scientist. Go figure."

Happy National Psychotherapy Day! Take your counselor to lunch at Kentucky Freud Chicken!

Prostate Cancer Awareness Month Day 24 Although the average age of prostate cancer detection is 66 years old, this was not the inspiration for the song "Get Your Kicks on Route 66" Get a PSA before you see the USA #ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth

As I was saying…

Started to make a joke about the Rapture being September 23, but then I

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

It's 5786 - the Jewish New Year! I keep pressing 5785 into the ATM. Who knows from checks?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and $ 1 million in small unmarked bills to amuse myself in the meantime

Animated feature about an aging boy band in Seoul fighting paranormal activity and aging. Knee-Pop Car Key Hunters.

On Talk Like a Pirate Day, #NotTheHallmarkChannel has a treasure chest of movies! 8 PM: Guarrrrdians of the Galaxy 10 PM: Barrrrrrbie 12 AM: Oppenheimerrrrrr

Day 18 of #ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth Brachytherapy is the implantation of radioactive seeds as treatment. Because if you're already carrying a cancer, make it sit next to a glowing isotope. Why should it be comfortable?

Since the marijuana dispensary came to town, I've had thumb surgery in July, hip surgery one August, and knee surgery in September. This is not the Joint-of-the-Month Club I was expecting.

It's in the details