I hate when I close the door of my all new 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix on my IKEA Brännboll bean bag chair sized nutsack! *This post contains a paid endorsement

Fuck them mashed potatoes, no really put your dick in that shit

Shitting out the window and pissing out the window are two different things

Having a video of someone poorly making green bean Casserole that I can’t see explained to me like I’m listening to the 1984 thanksgiving dinner championship on the radio

1997 Pontiac Bonerville

Bring Menards bags with you to Olive Garden and fill them with soup to take home when you order the unlimited soup and breadsticks lunch

Why isn’t the lip balm called Working Lips if the hand cream is called Working Hands?

Shit your pants Get sent home from work Eat Bagel Bites™ for the rest of the day Shit your pants again Get sent back to work :(

November 10th Get drunk Listen to “The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot at least 3 times Cry like the midwesterner you are Be a man

Arkansas, the “what that mouth do?” state

Michael Bolton is a no talent ass-clown

Keep your weiner warm!

Don’t worsh your baby in the torlet!

What the fuck is books?

Take a suggestive selfie in the bathroom mirror but make sure there’s toothpaste from a dental exorcism blasted all over it 👌💯💦

Giant kosher dill pickles, for that special someone

"You can lead a horse to water, but you still need a step stool to fuck it" -Dale Earnhardt, 1986

A Whirlpool brand clothes dryer full of powdered sugar

The casting call and audition for Weekend At Bernie’s must have wild. “We’re looking for someone to play a dead guy and just be comatose the whole movie” and the audition was just sit in a chair slumped over.

I don’t care how big your dick is, if you’re not measuring it with a Stanley PowerLock™️ tape measure, I don’t believe you.

Guests on celebrity eat my ass stay at the Ramada Inn next to the airport For tickets send a stamped self addressed envelope to: Eat my ass! CBS Television City 7800 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, California 90036

Go to a Halloween party dressed as the Philly Phanatic and suck everyone's dick

Me reading prize descriptions on The Price is Right: “For the aunt who denies being a lesbian and only smokes Virginia Slims, The Plymouth breeze! Featuring an AM/FM Stereo, seats that smell like a fart, room for 5, wheel covers and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, it’s the Plymouth Breeze!”

Mother fucker sneezed on my suit jacket and got 3.68 oz. of boogers on me!

Sugar free booger sugar

If this is Milwaukee’s best, I don’t want the worst

What if New Jersey was a cat? Hanna-Barbera: Presenting Top Cat™️

When you’re running a fever and read the thermometer in your radio voice™️ “101.5 the FLU”

I hate when you go to a trendy and hip brewery and when you go to the bathroom and there’s a sign with a lobster that looks like Danny Devito on it and the other one has a 1987 Dodge Aries on it and you’ve got to stand there and figure out which one to go in

In lieu of full size candy bars, I will be handing out rotisserie chickens for Halloween this year

Don Shart Pontiac Oldsmobile In downtown Sawckmeighkoch, New Jersey

Taint, by Calvin Klein Deodorant for your butthole

Hands are the feet of the arms

******ATTENTION****** If you or a loved one used a telephone between 1968 and 1983, Fuck you.

How many calories are in ass?

Instead of paying a contractor to add insulation to your attic, save money and fill it full of mannequins from a JC Penney that’s closing

A hot glue gun with a mozzarella cheese stick in it

Bootleg drill bits made from old Slim Jims

Whole Home CPAP

This guy’s mob name is “Johnny Skin Flick” and you can’t convince me otherwise #MatchGame79

This guy’s mob name is “Johnny Skin Flick” and you can’t convince me otherwise #MatchGame79

Chi-Chi’s, because life always needs a little hepatitis A™️ ©️2003 Chi-chi’s

Now that fall is here, make sure to ask for pumpkin spice motor oil on your next oil change

Can you slice a hot dog on a deli slicer?

No bake meatloaf recipe

*me singing to a pickle* I'm never gonna let you go I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever Gonna try and make up for all the times, I hurt you so Gonna hold your body close to mine From this day on, we're gonna be together Oh, I swear this time I'm never gonna let you go

Of course they wear suits during the breakdown

Little Tommy Jorkins, class of 1983

Fuckin Paulie portobello dick ova hear

Got a curved dick, so they call me Captain Hook!