I came over twice and both times there was a present in my shoes.

I would love for my office to to be bandied as the nexus of world control.

I had the opposite of Sunday scaries.

Maybe it’s because it’s bullet points. Maybe Madison should have thought of putting the rest of the Constitution in the form of a PowerPoint.

Christopher: In parks, they live lives of quiet desperation and intense boredom. John: Like the English.

Seattle was just a bunch of tarps thrown over a log in 1852.

There’s got to be a better workaround than a jar of peanut butter in your coat.

What’s weird is you showed up naked and on a school bus.

There was no Amazon guy, peeing in his truck, bringing you a live monkey.

Thank goodness Ken left so the show could actually get to that next level of people knowing things and caring.

J: Futurelings, social media was an unholy trash fire. K: That implies that there are holy trash fires. J: What if you’re burning Bibles? It’s a holy trash fire.

Back then we didn’t call it mid-century architecture. It was just architecture.

This is the latest we’ve ever got to Nazis.

I think I got hit by a truck at some point and this is my afterlife. I just record incoherent podcasts for eternity.

“Peak Dad” is you do something that is cool, but your kids do not think is cool.

I really leaned into the fact that you and I are both the color of wind blown sand and just put on an outfit of sand.

If a flag touches the ground, you have to burn it. If a Bible touches the ground, don’t you have to burn it?

I’m a nerd with free time and too much disposable income.

[Sometimes my generated transcript adds a bonus layer of humor.]

I’m even at the point where I’m suspicious of my own preference.

All of nakedness is a little scary.

I think I’m mirroring the average listener here as these long pauses proliferate.

Does the flagon with the dragon have the pellet with the poison?

There’s a Christian case for magnetic tape. God smiles on magnetic tape.

Someone’s approving of something I’m doing. It’s the main thing humans want.

Would you describe being shot in the back of the head as a form of sickness?

I’m clearly the Joe Rogan of the left.

If a court-appointed lawyer has heard it once, they’ve heard it a thousand times: “The devil possessed my cat and made me pretend to be Edward II.”

Ultimately it’s not going to be an efficient system if grandmas are out there piloting their ’87 Civics.

The only way that device could be more America was if it spat out Big Macs as it took you on your trip.

Your reward is you recoup, at most, a half to a third of your costs.

John: I’ve detected, in your accent, a little bit of Midwestern. Maybe high Midwestern. Am I close? Andrew: Very high Midwestern. Toronto. John: That's as high in the Midwest as you can get!

Most Canadians — when they talk about their “rich life” out of work — it’s hockey or listening to Rush or being drunk.

K: Is your linoleum not shiny? J: Does the spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

Who will think of the NFT owners?

You thought you were going to get curly fries and instead you got a family.

If I had to choose a thing to come through a pneumatic tube, it would not be a pea or a tampon. It would not be a train. It would be a horny letter.

The rest of the show should just be you listing things you drank once.

Yeah, yeah, no, we love Satan. We’re just lazy.

They know more about your culvert out back of your house than they do about the Space Needle.

No one knows what a police scientist is, but he’s gonna be a police scientist because that means he’s a moral authority figure.

We don’t believe in the great man theory of history here on Omnibus, except when we study one of these remarkable prodigy children who from birth is destined to be a huge weirdo.

The last thing you want is a Disney detective knocking on your door.

Being a doctor of nursing is like being a nurse of doctoring.

A couple is three!

I thought, as you’re transitioning away from Ken, you might want a white middle-aged man with ties to BYU to help ease that journey.

J: That was the whole promise of the United States. K: Day drinking.

Listen, I hate Illinois Nazis, but I also hate Russian bot farms.

J: When did Alan Alda replace Burt Reynolds in anything? K: In my dreams.

America: didn’t really have it all figured out.