Erin: We will get to Crank Yankers eventually — which combines celebrity with puppetry and pranking, which is okay. I remember discovering Ween from that show. John: Sure. Arguably their entire career was a prank, but yeah.

I’m someone whose lizard brain dictates that their happiness is on a one-to-one ratio with how much sun I’m getting.

We all have a right to sorrow.

So I showed up, flew in from Seattle, had a cold, and then walked out on stage like “I’ve never seen a piano before.”

I need to slice this soy roast beef either way. What do I care?

I’m putting a blue check mark on everything that comes in the door — and it’s not one you can buy.

Is it anonymous because he is so irritating that if people knew who he was that he would be in danger?

There are some tight spaces between Halifax and Vancouver.

Why should they have to follow the law or believe in antiquated concepts like democracy?

I’m not the type of person that’s going to accuse somebody of being Scandinavian.

Not every crazy Russian with a beard is a Rasputin figure.

I certainly lick the tears of my enemies.

You look a little like a Hanna-Barbera character.

You‘re a thinker. You’re in your ivory tower. You‘re trying to save America.

Lines of trees over dirt: that’s what the French love.

This place is freezing, but it’s our freezing.

It’s rewarding until they get to 14 and a half and they tell you you’re dumb every minute of the day and roll their eyes at you. If she could kill me by rolling her eyes, I would be long in the grave.

You do have to remember that a certain percentage of Futurelings are extremely literal.

San Francisco’s one of the great fart-sniffing cities in the world.

I’ll just pause here, because I believe firmly that we need more Chubs in modern discourse.

You have this land and it is awful land, but it’s also freezing.

J: I studied in college. K: You did not.

Even if I keep one can of this, you have three cans of spam left and only one is the gross jalapeno kind.

Then there’s a really bad week and a mountain appears.

I am one of your dumbest friends and I make you feel smart.

J: I majored in The Comparative History of Ideas, which was the history of ideas, but compared. K: Compared to other ideas or compared to something outside of the history of ideas entirely?

We see it all the time with tech bros who also think they’re great at government and they know everything about sociology.

Boy, Moses sure got mad and waved a stick.

Think about how much hanging out with me is like getting paid.

K: No one would ever say you brought something weird. J: Nope, they wouldn’t. I mean, except for my family, my daughter. K: They’re your strange trifles.

Is time a flat circle? Yes or no?

Once again, white Christian men — always the ones who were truly being persecuted with an unfriendly calendar. Just a reminder about lions and catacombs every time you look at your desk calendar.

Every good work of art starts with the full backstory on every article of clothing that the artist is wearing. That’s why Sgt. Pepper’s is so good. “We’re wearing epaulettes.”

Freud did his own research. Freud would be an Ivermecton guy today.

You can’t eat four gold medals.

They’re called “riot police” because they start riots. That’s why they get their name.

I think you were the one that explained to me that the primary tour rule is, “Never order seafood in a state that doesn’t touch the ocean or a very large body of water.”

I’m gonna build a band around this snare drum.

If you hit drums hard enough, they tend to just sound pretty good.

Is a slap gold and a tickle is silver?

But I’ve never been at a show and thought, “This drummer’s great, but wrong kit, bro.”

Just a snare on the credenza.

I did perform hand claps on a record and then got told that my hand claps did not make the cut. And that was disappointing.

What the hell was I thinking? Playing music is great and I’m not ready to die.

Every drum tech or drum focused technical person is, in my experience, a total nutter butter.

I don’t want to see you get more sandy and pink.

“Not compromising” does not mean not trying to talk or discuss or persuade.

Congress is only effective when compromise is part of what they consider their duty.

If they weren’t a citizen, why is that okay?