I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and got a box of chicken and then ate it at the wrestling match. It’s one of my foundation events. It made me the man I am today. The first real holiday I spent away from my family. It really cemented what aloneness feels like.

The Allies were very famous for dropping containers full of weasels. It was one of the main strategies. Just fill the Netherlands with weasels.

You had me at “bomb shelter.”

It’s French of course. They ruin everything.

Well, people also eat them. They are the chickens of the sky.

I have a 2010 Nissan Cube, and it’s bright red and it looks like a clown car. So actually yeah, I do drive a comedy car, but I didn’t mean to.

You can’t bake a cookie without real science involved.

The menopause is the joke factory that just keeps giving.

It’s a normal person’s house. Oh, except I’m a ceramicist and there’s a kiln in there.

It’s like a jackass filter. If you come to the house and push the doorbell and it doesn’t ring, it’s the same to me as if you didn’t come to the house. I don’t do anybody any favors.

I currently identify as a stand-up comedian and therefore broken person.

You want to talk about chin hairs? That's my jam.

Somebody’s filming every single thing. Can’t talk to your realtor, can’t TP a house, can’t sneak out at night. What is it like to grow up knowing you are constantly on camera?

I think that Colorado should absorb all the people who want to be somewhere they’re not and you can just be there and then we can fence it off.

You and I are living in a world where out-of-work scientists are at every street corner, holding up a sign like “Will operate centrifuge for money.”

This segment will be da Vinci’s drawing of a helicopter for future generations.

In general, the left seems to have better ideas for how to make the world good, and worse PR.

One of the great things about TikTok is that although you can make longer videos, the ones that do really well are between 60 and 90 seconds. And as luck would have it, that’s just a little bit too short for a solution.

You know what else is like water, but dry? The air.

People love regulation. They just don’t know that that’s what it’s called sometimes.

It’s like finding out that Chuck Barris was also a a CIA assassin, in addition to hosting the greatest game show of all time, The Gong Show.

I do feel like Leonardo DiCaprio made it less fun to care about the Titanic.

If you make me a desk and I hand you money for it and I get a desk, that feels like cool capitalism. I like that I don’t have to learn how to make desks.

Let’s go commit some crimes!

This is how I got my first job too. Scuzzy kid that hung around the office.

He’s also demonstrated that he’s very litigious. So if at any point in this show I suggested that he was a wife-swapping furry, I want to say that I did not mean that at all.

He had always had this crazy idea of a pizza restaurant that also had video games. Obviously, he needed to go invent a whole industry first to make his pizza restaurant work.

So there was very much this idea that software was supposed to be free. Long story short, Bill Gates ruined that idea.

As we know, nothing makes you want pizza more than the idea of a rat.

Musicians were sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and the computer programmers were just drugs and rock and roll.

When I hear “hostile architecture”, I think of the equivalent of those nails they put up so birds don’t poop on things, except for people.

He’s now full of rat poison and brandy.

There are probably some people right now who feel like they've lost 300 years of their lives just listening to this show. Where’d it go?

I took a check for doing history one time. So I guess that makes me a professional.

Tyler vetoed it. He vetoed two bills to resurrect the Bank of the United States. Like, imagine if Obama vetoed Obamacare.

John: Why aren’t you just laying on a couch sniffing laudanum out of a handkerchief? Bob: I wish. Those days are so over for me.

I’ve become the man. I’m the man now.

I think it’s not history repeating, it’s people just being the same. People don’t change. And so the deeper I get into this, the more I realize that I’m studying human nature. History is the study of the human condition.

He is the gooey pope!

Nobody in the theater had ever conveyed the spirit of an elderly unhoused man the way you did.

This is meritorious hummus.

K: Imagine Guitar Center, but for babies. What do you call that? J: Are they still playing Stairway to Heaven at the Babies “R” Us?

He was definitely a character. He once lost a wrestling match with a bear at a carnival.

Young people today think things are so easy, but back in the old days, we had to jump up and down on our drums.

It may be that magnets are why we are walking around and playing the banjo and making drums and so forth.

So it hung out under Stagg Field for a while, just in retirement, getting irradiated casually.

British scientists are some of the silliest people, and physicists especially are very silly.

You know, we could solve so many human problems if we just stopped having wars and had it be a drum-off.

That’s the problem with America: we have student loans and there’s not free juice.

This is going to sound like a made-up story — as so many of my stories do.