Happy 5th anniversary to I AM NOT A WOLF, which due to its release date canonically exists in the world of STAR WARS.

Some news: I’m writing a book about zoos and modern humanity's precarious place in nature! As a lifelong Zoo Guy and animal obsessive, I feel very lucky to have this opportunity. It's still very much a work in progress, but I think you'll really enjoy it when the time comes.

UNREAL

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A BELOVED LITTLE HUMOR NOVEL RELEASED IN 2021

VERY COMPELLING

I HAVE USED AN APP TO UPLOAD "THE HITS" FROM TWITTER SO THAT THOSE WHO MISS THEM MAY ENJOY THEM OTHERWISE, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ MY WRITING AND SEE WHAT I AM UP TO FOLLOW @dansheehan.bsky.social

MY ENTIRE SECRET LAIR HAS NOW BEEN REVEALED IT COMES OUT ON JUNE 24TH AND IS ONLY AVAILABLE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST THANK YOU TO @MTGSecretLair FOR LETTING ME RUN WILD AND THANK YOU FOR SUCH A WARMLY RECEIVED WEEK OF PREVIEWS. IT WAS A VERY MAGICAL TIME.

I LOVE GETTING EMAILS FROM STORES HOW DID WE DO YOU HAVE EARNED 10 STORE POINTS WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO THE STORE WHY DID YOU GO HOME RETURN TO THE STORE RETURN TO THE STORE RETURN TO THE STORE

I AM SO SORRY, WHEN THE MEETING ENDED AND YOU SAID YOU WERE "GIVING ME MY TIME BACK" I ASSUMED I WAS FINALLY FREE

I LOVE TO WORK WHILE TRAVELING I LOVE TO BE STRESSED OUT ABOUT THE WIFI SITUATION IN A PLACE I DREAMED OF VISITING AS A CHILD I CARRY MY PRISON WITH ME BY CHOICE AND THAT MEANS IT CANNOT BE BAD RIGHT

IT NEVER FEELS GOOD TO LIVE WITHIN AN UNSTOPPABLE BLOOD TURBINE BUT OCCASIONALLY IT DOES INVENT A NEW TYPE OF CORN DOG

A BILLIONAIRE STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? SURELY HE CAN PULL HIMSELF UP BY CUTTING DOWN ON UNNECESSARY SPENDING AND PICKING UP A SIDE HUSTLE

SIGNING A WELL MEANING PETITION OUTSIDE THE GROCERY STORE WHILE ELEVEN SIMULTANEOUS TRAINS FULL OF TOXINS DERAIL AROUND ME

I AM A FREE THINKER NO GODS NO MASTERS JUST A SERIES OF RICH GUYS WHO I TREAT LIKE AN UNCOMFORTABLE MIXTURE OF BOTH GOD AND MASTER OTHER THAN THAT THOUGH ITS ALL ME BABY

LOVE TO BE HUMAN THE ANIMAL THAT DOESN'T THINK ITS AN ANIMAL GREAT IDEA FOR A THING AND VERY FUN TO LIVE AMONGST

ONCE AGAIN MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY OF NOT FULLY UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE STOCK MARKET IS HAS ALLOWED ME TO COME OUT ON TOP

SIPHON WHAT HAPPINESS YOU CAN FROM THE WORLD LIKE A LAMPREY LATCHED ONTO THE RAPIDLY SINKING CORPSE OF A WHALE DESCEND INTO THE BLACK WITH A BLOOD SOAKED SMILE EAGER TO SEE WHAT UNRECOGNIZABLE THING THE PRESSURE MAKES OF YOU BY THE TIME THEY DO ANOTHER SPIDER-MAN

I LOVE APPLYING FOR JOBS SO MANY GREAT OPTIONS WOULD I LIKE TO BE PAID POORLY OR WOULD I LIKE TO WORK FOR SOMEONE EVIL OH COOL THIS ONE IS BOTH I HOLD MY DESTINY IN MY HANDS

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THE MICROPLASTICS ACCUMULATING IN MY MAJOR ORGANS ARE ALL FROM LUXURY BRANDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH

SO YOU CAN SAY "OH I'M SO BURNED OUT" OR "OH I HAVE BRAIN FOG" BUT NOT "I CAN FEEL THE EVER SLOWING PULSE OF OUR WORLD AS IT LAY DYING, IT MAY NEVER AGAIN FEEL THE WARMTH OF THE SUN" GONNA TRY "MAYBE IT'S MY MATTRESS" NEXT TIME AND SEE HOW THAT GOES

VALENTINE'S DAY IS ABOUT LOVE ITS ALSO ABOUT SINGLE PEOPLE PROJECTING WEIRD STUFF ONTO COUPLED PEOPLE AND COUPLED PEOPLE PROJECTING DIFFERENT STUFF AT SINGLE PEOPLE MANKIND'S SELF AWARENESS IS AN AFFRONT TO NATURE AND THE SOONER YOU RETURN YOUR BONES TO THE GROUND THE BETTER

BEING WISHED HAPPY VALENTINES DAY BY A BRAND VIA EMAIL IS ONE OF THE MOST EROTIC EXPERIENCES LIFE HAS TO OFFER

DONT LIKE ME?? GET IN LINE!! THE LINE STARTS BEHIND ME!! THERAPY IS NOT WORKING AT ALL

I LOVE THE MODERN WORLD, ALL THE MAIL IS TRASH AND ALL YOUR PHONE CALLS ARE FROM NO ONE BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE YOU GET TO ASSEMBLE YOUR OWN FURNITURE REGARDLESS OF YOUR LEVEL OF CARPENTRY SKILL

IF THE SUN CAN START GETTING READY TO LEAVE WORK AT 3:30 THEN SO CAN I

BRING BACK THE SUN WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TIME I CANNOT TAKE THIS

A DECK IS A POWERPOINT DELIVERABLES ARE JUST STUFF YOU ARE IN A PRISON OF THE MIND AND THE ONLY WAY OUT IS TO MICROWAVE AS MUCH FISH AS YOU CAN

HEY WAIT A SECOND I'M STARTING TO THINK MY BOSS WASN'T BEING FULLY HONEST WHEN HE SAID THAT WORKING MYSELF TO DEATH WAS VIRTUOUS BUT TAKING A LITTLE NAP IN A SUNBEAM IS LAZY

I LOVE TO WORK LATE FOR NO ADDITIONAL PAY IT PROVES I HAVE HUSTLE WORK IS VIRTUOUS AND I AM MY COMPANY’S PUREST CHERUB WHAT IS TIME IF NOT SOMETHING TO GIVE TO THE MOST ANNOYING GUYS YOU KNOW FOR FREE

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE PLANET IS SO MAD ALL WE DID WAS TRY TO KILL IT EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS

SURE MEGACORPORATIONS HAVE KNOWINGLY DRIVEN OUR ECOSYSTEM TO THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE FOR PROFIT BUT DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU TOOK TWO SHOWERS

MY BOOK MADE VULTURE'S "BEST COMEDY BOOKS OF 2021" LIST AND IT'S IN VERY GOOD COMPANY

A QUINTESSENTIAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE IS OPENING AN APP AS SOON AS I AWAKEN AND LETTING A SERIES OF ALGORITHMICALLY GENERATED NUMBERS DETERMINE MY SELF WORTH FOR THE DAY

DON’T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS? TRY NOT MAKING HANDS OUT OF FOOD

MADE SOME BUMPER STICKERS FOR GUYS WHO GET EXCITED ABOUT BILLIONAIRES GOING TO "SPACE"

AM I EXPERIENCING THE MISERABLE REALIZATION THAT THE PLACE I ONCE CALLED HOME IS NOW UNREACHABLE, MADE IRREVOCABLY DIFFERENT BY THE CRUEL RAVAGES OF TIME OR HAVE I PERHAPS NOT HAD A MEAL IN A LITTLE OVER 4 HOURS

LISTEN I LOVE A HEAVYHANDED METAPHOR AS MUCH AS ANYBODY BUT A BUNCH OF RICH GUYS EXPENDING ALL THEIR RESOURCES TO GLIDE HOPELESSLY INTO NOTHINGNESS IS A BIT MUCH EVEN FOR ME

HIKES ARE DATES AND SO IS SHARING AN ENTIRE RAW RABBIT BEHIND A BOWLING ALLEY

ITS NOT CLIMATE CHANGE ITS A REGIONALLY CURATED SUBSCRIPTION BOX OF ARTISINAL APOCALYPSES

SURE THE STATE I LIVE IN IS EXPERIENCING HISTORICALLY DANGEROUS WILDFIRE CONDITIONS BUT AT LEAST THERE IS NOT SOME SORT OF EXPLOSION-CENTRIC HOLIDAY COMING UP

LOVE TO HAVE LIFE FORCIBLY PUT ON PAUSE FOR A YEAR DUE TO THE MYRIAD FLAWS OF MY SOCIETY ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO DOING THINGS MORE OR LESS THE EXACT SAME WAY RIGHT AFTERWARDS NO NOTES I GUESS

I LOVE TO RECEIVE AN EMAIL FROM A BRAND THAT TALKS LIKE A PERSON I READ THROUGH ITS VAGUE MENTIONS OF ANXIETY OR WHATEVER AND SAY "IT ME" I BUY THE PRODUCT AS MY EYES GLAZE OVER I TURN TO MY TOASTER AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER WE WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN

I HAVE RETURNED HOME FROM WORK FINALLY, MY TIME IS MY OWN AGAIN I AM FREE TO CONTINUE MY SEARCH FOR MEANING I WILL START BY STARING AT THE COMPUTER FOR LIKE THREE HOURS AND THEN GOING TO BED IT DID NOT WORK YESTERDAY BUT I REMAIN HOPEFUL

HOPING THERE IS SOME MIDDLE SETTING BETWEEN ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE PANDEMIC AND ACTING AS THOUGH IT NEVER HAPPENED OR ELSE I AM GOING TO END UP SHOUTING "HELLO AM I ALIVE" AT THE GAP GUYS AGAIN

EXPLAINING TO THE GUY AT THE MOVIE THEATER THAT MY POPCORN BUCKET IS FULL OF PIGEONS BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC MADE ME WEIRD, I WAS A NORMAL GUY BEFORE THAT

PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA NOT TO COMMENT ON ANYONE'S POST-PANDEMIC APPEARENCE UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET AQUAINTED WITH THEIR PRE-PANDEMIC ABILITY TO BITE DOWN AT 1200 PSI

WE ARE CLOSED NOBODY WANTS TO WORK ANYMORE THEY HAVE HEARD THE LOW THRUM THAT COMES FROM THE FOREST'S CENTER THEY RUN TOWARDS IT NOW, READY TO SHOW IT THEIR ENTIRE ASS

CONSIDERING SOME POST PANDEMIC ICE BREAKERS DID YOU BINGE ANYTHING GOOD? WHAT WAS YOUR COMFORT TREAT? WHERE DID YOU SCREAM WHEN THE WORLD WENT AWAY? I AM FOREVER CHANGED BUT IN A FUN, ACCESSIBLE, WAY. HOW ABOUT YOU?

I BEGIN EACH MORNING PROSTRATE AT WHICH POINT I AM KICKED INTO EXISTENCE BY VARIOUS E-MAILS

AFTER ALL THIS WE ARE JUST ONE SIDEWAYS BOAT AWAY FROM CHAOS