THE LATE NIGHT TMI ZONE PRESENTS: having long nails makes boofing prog wayyyy trickier. the nail becomes a lil shield that protects the capsule from being grabbed. just had to finger fuck myself to get that thing to stay up there

the age old "is this banana bread undercooked or just moist and full of delicious chocolate chips" dilemma. yet we struggle on

a quick rendering

dreamt my partner designed a tattoo of a big fluffy cat for me, but when she put the stencil on my thigh i saw she had included a scroll that said CAT NONCE

so fucking tired every fucking day for thirty fucking years

watering time on the allotment with @deeboom.bsky.social form an orderly queue

need to stop going into kebab shops alone at the end of a night. cheesy chips are not worth the chasers

fella who moved in across the road and sits with his window open blasting shite music just put on a trap remix of 'feliz navidad'. in june.

my thoughts on starmer stepping down are the same as they were before. whatever punishment he gets is not enough, his replacement will be the same, any other party would be the same, the system he is a part of exists only to crush and befoul, and there is only us.

crazy how apple used to be the pinnacle of tech design but those airpod max things had me thinking for three years that people had started wearing temu ear defenders to go down the shops

[george femboy voice] when i'm cleaning dildos

paul blart femboy

finally found a use for the giant plasters that never get used: stopping me from being an idiot and scratching my cleg bites

the only meeting in the middle i'm willing to do is where the suction cups are stuck together

knowing how to do things right means a constant struggle with the lazy part of yourself telling you to do it fast and wrong

this is living

whenever i hear the word "whimsy" i reach for my pistol

reckon if I made sure the fat cunt went down first i could break the rest of them over my knee one after another like the big lad tom hardy plays does to batman

rip john blanche, a guy who made sick art and seemingly enjoyed getting stepped on by beautiful women. a big influence on my life

got my blood test results and my e level at trough is really high, but also i just discovered i'm lactating so really who knows if that's a bad thing

i don't need a month of pride i need one day with a zastava and legal impunity

i'm very used to @deeboom.bsky.social's speaking voice since surgery, but she hasn't been singing again for very long. when i hear it from another room it catches me unawares, like "oh did she put some music on in there?" no, it's her, with her new fem voice, sounding like a fucking angel

wanna go see a loud band but i look like shit and also i don't wanna go alone and if i see someone there i sort of know it'll be awkward small talk and also i look like shit

boards of canada fans devastated to find out one of the new boc tracks being used by the white house wasn't a secret code in their never ending viral marketing campaign

postie got to the post box before 9am so now i've got to bike into town with a box full of blood before it gets too hot. how could this happen to me? my girlfriend is a postie! i should get perks!!

thoughts for the day: does hot weather make people deaf, and how impractical would it be to mount a train horn to a bike?

trying to figure out if i would get banned for this

wow talk about queer inclusivity they made a fisting emoji 🤌🏻

it's the most NATURAL and WET you will ever look our new foundation goes on WET and it stays WET it is NATURALLY WET for that FELL INTO A POND look

something broke in my care. i'm technically minded enough to figure out why, and see that it was in the process of breaking for a while, but i was using it so it's still my fault. i could repair it for less than half the price of a new one but the part doesn't seem to be available outside of latvia

while this is easily gonna be the stupidest thing i read today, it's just as stupid as thinking interaction with electoral politics on its own level can enact meaningful change

i'd say @deeboom.bsky.social and i can't be trusted out on our bikes... but it's not like we menaced anyone who didn't deserve it

last week i did my shot in an 8th century crypt where the bones of the kings of mercia were once laid, dreaming of time stretching away and toward me. this week, in the living room while numbingly present and sweating it about the ehrc.

i had a vision

[limmy's guide to glasgow voice] i haven't actually seen a healthy polycule in real life but i saw one online

spent most of yesterday evening and this morning crying cus even tho i despise my body there is a little cat who likes to curl up on it

"you really believe the murderer slips away through the sewers so quickly because they're some sort of... lube monster?" "think about it scully, the neighbour we interviewed. the transsexual woman with the collection of giant di—" "mulder! the accepted term is 'transgender'."

coming out as anti bath bomb. oh cool, the water is a deep dark green and full of glitter? pretty! i can't wait to get out and shower again and then rinse synthetic mica sediment from the bottom of the tub. where's that gonna go? just settle in the plumbing will it? marvellous.

every day wes streeting wakes up thinking the same thing: "when i'm prime minister owen jones will HAVE to let me fuck him"

every time i hear a bri'ish person say "taco" my lifespan shortens by a week

there's no such thing as boymoding it's all just faggotmoding

yep

getting a lot of brakeless fixed gear content on instagram. the algorithm must have me confused for someone with rich parents

pleased to report that the 30 year old 5 disc cd changer arrived in perfect working order and it feels like living in the future. the GOOD future

unreasonably mad at marc jacobs. that's not a tote bag and you know it you fucking cunt

sarwar... were we up the top of that finnieston cran the other night? did i fall aff the top of a kind of bus thing intae the clyde the other night... i could be in trouble with the polis right now

sorry to all the angine de poitrine fans, but that's too much straight dude whimsy. when you make microtonal freak music you have to look like nerds. not rejected character designs from adventure time

ya mama's an extra on the simpsons and shit