(after three beers) Do you guys ever feel sorta.. empty? Like you're housing a malevolent entity as a passenger in your body but have no identity or will of your own Friend 1: you're probably just a husk man Friend 2: vessel alert

papa deleted minecraft pocket edition off my vape

papa deleted minecraft pocket edition off my vape

ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀɪɴᴄʜ and 6 others liked your tweet: not a fan of christmas honestly ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀɪɴᴄʜ has followed you ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀɪɴᴄʜ has sent you a message: sup sup sup you date green guys?

grainy CCTV footage of a little grey alien chasing a ball out into the street and immediately getting obliterated by a speeding semi

i was Just Born Hi

I farted while sagging and it blew my jeans off

The Amtrak train attendants keep stopping by my seat to tell me that the conductor is really mad at me and isn’t going to stop or slow the train down at my station. They say that there’s an inflatable swimming pool for me to jump into if I can time it right

Hey you’re a doctor? Can you check this out for me? {I pop the top of my head off like the lid of a jar and where my brain should be is a massive black widow spider, which reacts to the sudden burst of light by leaping at the doctor while emitting a high pitched shrieking noise}

700,000 canisters of baja blast buried by centuries of desert sand still cold to the touch

Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid

(Two millipedes passing each other in the wet tunnel darkness) M1: How goes it my friend? M2: Just taking it segment by segment brotha

Do you remember me from the hatchery bro? Yeah bro we were grubs in the hatchery together. Remember the moisture bro? The hot reeking darkness bro

Sorry for trauma dumping but I had a really weird relationship with latex in a past life. So yeah condoms are kind of no bueno for this cowboy

i fuck with mexican food, them chicken case of ideas be good as hell

whatever creams your pie big dawg

I’m a grown man but sometimes I still find myself falling victim to thinking five nights at Freddy’s is indeed at the fridge.

“your icloud storage is full” i dont give a fuck. stop stalking me

HELPPPP!! I STOLE MY PHONE BACK FROM PAPA HAHAHAHAA HE WONT CATCH ME ALIVE

Good cop: Did you really see yourself as an avocado smuggler growing up? Is this what you wanted to become Me: 5th amendment muchacho Bad cop: Rules don’t apply to you, guac boy. We caught your idiot ass with 50 crates

Hello this is Zenith’s summoner. I opened up this app due to the notifications and wouId Iike to let you aII know his phone has been confiscated for the time being and we will be having a conversation about this account. The things that he has been saying on this app are disgusting.

woof woof bark bark and other such things

Geittng trained today and learning new tricks today

Good cop: Did you really see yourself as an avocado smuggler growing up? Is this what you wanted to become Me: 5th amendment muchacho Bad cop: Rules don’t apply to you, guac boy. We caught your idiot ass with 50 crates

The California Highway Patrol is very upset with me—that’s ok. They can’t stop me from revealing creature truths.

me btw

aho!

I don’t know what the big fuss is about all these new graphics cards. I’ve been gaming off a pound of raw beef for 20 years

sometimes you have to take an adderall and drink 3 cups of coffee and round out the day with an energy drink

oughhhh i was so thirstyyyy

modest mouse is an incredible band because you can actively feel them shift from subversive indie rock into coworker music over their 30 year discography

dude we gotta kill this guy

Whatever fucks your ass, man

I hope this email traces just below your waist while maintaining eye contact

*cocks gun* looks like there's no more time to fix your heart

hip hurts so bad it’s got me moaning like a bitch

placing you in solitary confinement within my mind prison

me: i havent seen u before. new here? cashier: yep:) i just started today :) me: right on, right on. say, could i get a mcflurry? cashier: were actually not supposed to let u have mcflurrys bc they make u go Crazy me: right on, right on

my sudden burst of energy and genius is because i snorted a line btw

Went skydiving once and the guy in front of me jumped out and just fell straight upwards. Nobody else commented on it and ignored me when I tried to bring it up. I watched him disappear into the brilliant blue of the sky. I'm afraid of wide open spaces now

just burnt my tongue so bad on soup i’ll never b able to eat pussy again

I have my own doomsday clock but I’m not telling anyone what time it is

on the battlefield spinning around, kneeling and standing, sheathing and unsheathing my sword while I await my Lord’s orders

Get in the fucking kayak, we're getting fucked up on this fermented drink of rice & honey, we're doing some war chants, we're doing some downriver driveby spear throws at some walkcels

this is Jungle Gym City, walkoid, we SWING in this bitch

just got boofied at the bar. someone poured a whole beer in my butt while I wasn’t looking. watch out guys.

whatever creams your pie big dawg