Bulldozing a third of the white house? Big fuckin deal, Canada set the whole thing on fucking fire once

The German company that makes the mechanical ladder used in the Louvre heist has used the image to advertise, with the text 'When you need to move fast' 10/10 response, no notes

For a public figure who was synonymous with the term "golden showers" for years of his life, you'd think he would try to steer clear of any toilet associations for a while

Fuck Trump Drink beer Start a riot Have no fear open.spotify.com/track/3cHtxM...

*accidentally reading AI generated smut books* "With two hands on her hips, one hand cradling her neck, and the other stroking her chin gently"- Waitaminute.... HANDS?? *reads disclaimer* FUCK! They ruined my perfectly good insect porn!

opus dei can suck my opus deick tbqh

Holy crap this hangover has destroyed me

hii hi hi hi I got new hair and changed up the lighting a weeee bit 👉🏻👈🏻 we're gonna play some Little Nightmares again, but if I get motion sick from it, we're gonna switch to Slay the Princess! lurkers are super duper appreciated, even if twitch says otherwise lol www.twitch.tv/okashley_

don’t think this vid can ever be topped

Busting a nut just as the party clown bursts into the room trailing a dozen "congrats on fuckin up your life!" balloons while your mistress screams in fear

Managed to get into town a bit before work and decided to grab a quick breakfast 2 steps out of the shop and half of it falls on the ground Yeah that tracks for my weekend

Oh fuck off There's a parade going past my house I hate it here

The last 24hrs have been A Lot I'm desperately clinging to my happy-go-lucky whimsy in work but fuck me it's hard Coworkers house got attacked by racists, someone stole our works saved up scratchcards that were gonna fund a staff night out, and the newspaper ran an article insuring my dead friend

Ran into a friend while walking into work and the second I said I don't feel ready for today he's just like "thank fuck you said it, I SAW your brain register me" and.... yup. Fair.

open.spotify.com/track/6kMbvK... Desperately clinging to some serotonin as I head in to start a 12hr shift

"Let's fuckin goooooo!" I mumble to myself, as I stop starting at my SAD lamp and begin the arduous task of dressing myself while still under the duvet

It is officially "just 5 more minutes in bed because its warm" weather

"When I was 23 I was abducted by time travelling extraterrestrials who forced me to watch the heat death of the universe until I developed a terrible ennui.... Anyway, here's my cookery blog that will explain how I overcame the ever-present sense of hopelessness with cream cheese frosting"

"I'll have you know I'm a ballistics expert, and bullets only engrave messages on themselves when they're in great distress"

Since everyone in our family goes by nicknames, my brother and I, we'll into our mid t late 20s, had a moment when we genuinely believed we'd gotten our dad's name wrong all that time

Sorry gang, raptures been cancelled for today, I asked Big G to hold off a bit because i ate a massive burrito yesterday and need to wait for it all to flush out before I can go

Andor realising the error of his ways and turning himself in to the Empire,switching on all his friends, and screaming "I deserve this! This is decorum!" While being dragged to the blood splattered wall

Comrade Bee, your sacrifice is not in vain, our flag runs red with the blood of our martyrs

"huh i wonder why i feel kinda ill" "oh yeah, i havent really eaten in 12 hours... which is coincidentally how long i was working.... oh and also i drank like 4 energy drinks

Trying to get the nepotism babies I'm babysitting to go to sleep: "If you don't get on that nap-grind you'll never make your first million before you're 5"

Furthermore, the concept of "terrorism" is itself a flawed legal premise: There are more definitions of "terrorism" than there are countries in the world, and they vary so widely that virtually any form of civil disobedience can be classified as terrorism

Chef in work carelessly sprinkling sesame seeds on a dish and getting g a load of it on my arm: "Sorry, I got my seed all over you" The INSTANT regret at word choice

"I'm a bit of a digital vampire" "Oh, you steal people's content and repost it as your own?" "What?? Jesus, no! I'm not a monster!" *continues suckingblood from someone's fingers*

The FBI are so fuckin useless all that dude had to do was shut the fuck up and he'd become a modern day DB Cooper

Trump: "haha, I'm declaring war on Americans!" Kirk: "gets kebab'd* Yrump: "no! Not like that!"

can "irony" be legally listed as a cause of death?

"I bet on more guns keeping me safe, but man.... am I bad at maths" - Charlie Kirk, probably

HAHAHAHA

Oh fuck Oh shit Dude your self worth is leaking Oh shit Shit shit shit Bro it's all over the carpet, bro How am I meant to clean that?

standing with glinner? no. i'm SITTING for DINNER. with my wife, who has not left me,

Fuck I'm tired as hell, I read that as "crows" and only muttered a muted "huh" of surprise

Clip a 6 pack of Coors to their tac vests and you basically just have every hunter in the Dakotas roaming the streets of DC

Inheritance should be scrapped People can keep momentos with minimal monetary value, or stuff like family jewelry with low value, but houses? Savings? Cars? All gone and the proceeds used to fund new housing, health care, and education

brian, while contemplatively stirring his chili- "people say you can't fight city hall, but actually- we did, and we won. who you actually can't fight is the damn water bureau"

RT if you also wish ill upon JK Rowling.

This is the best product listing copy I’ve ever read

Had my 1 day a week off from work on Tues, ended up getting drunk and yelling about agricultural runoff and the government's inability to stop algal blooms in lough neagh Heh. Still got it.

We're gonna end up with a generation of Glinner style divorced dads, whose partners took custody of their steam account so their kids can use it Tha5s the only silver lining of these censorship bills

Nirvana's Nevermind cover but the baby is Baby Sinclair from the 90s sitcom Dinosaurs As requested by Morgan

Oh shit, watching rhe new Alien: Earth show, and one of my fave actors, Michael Smiley, is in it! How did nobody tell me this

[concert] singer: (shouting) i can’t hear you me: (shouting back) it’s because of the music

Me, talking to my manager: "Honestly, when Rowling dies imma piss on that grave so hard I'll hit orbit"