I love gambling and yet I am horrible at it so I make my friends listen to me prattle on about it for over an hour!!

Can’t wait for someone to try a “your honor, my mom took Tylenol when pregnant and that’s why i cant be held accountable for murder” defense

can’t believe the rapture happened and i still have to work on this screenplay

Disney adults canceling subscriptions, vacations, etc really are making the Harry Potter adults that threw a fit over a $60 video game look like huge bitches

Waking up on your couch with your hand in a potato chip bag hits differently in your 30s

“No,” said Frog.

It’s not about if jimmy kimmel is funny, or if his show is good. This is about what can you say on a medium that’s owned by very few people. We are not debating the quality of a show or a comedian. We are debating the first amendment rights for people to say anything.

The following is a statement from the WGA on ABC’s decision to pull ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’

Holy shit 87.7% of Americans died last year???

south korea is reacting to its citizens being illegally detained and tortured the way i thought other countries would react to its citizens being illegally detained and tortured

I’m not white so I will not be investigating any noises, basements, attics, cemeteries, and will be putting back any artifacts I find immediately. I leave in act 1 as the warning character. Because i already have intergenerational curses at home. Good night.

About to add a new line item to my monthly budget

Should be renamed to be the Department of War! Ugh! What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!

We live in the dumbest timeline

Please don’t get my hopes up

no one can ever convince me that people vote base on economic policy ever again

everyday is the stupidest day in news until the next day

This dudes pr machine is being run by a guy whose diet is energy drinks and hot pockets.

Killed 10 flies in my house in 10 minutes. Please refer to me as the fly-minator.

Over 100,000 Japanese Americans were interned during WWII. Man we aren’t just repeating the mistakes of the past, we are speed running them.

YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Bb&b closed in 2023, and I’m sorry Kevin - but overstock’s not going to give you back the Cherry Blossom body spray. You have to let it go ok?

But consider this is how we get Shrimp-Man. And also an into the shrimp verse that takes place across Walmarts from every universe.

Listen a handful of Gavin Newsom troll posts got trump to stop posting all in caps. I’m not saying comedy is the key to the revolution, but you can’t argue it’s not not part of the revolution.

Will the mainstream media outlets take this seriously? A) yes of course! They will 100% report this accurately and also everyone gets a thousand puppies and LA will have working public transit!!!! B) no

Until AI is willing to live in their car so they can make their 3rd open mic of the evening for no money or glory - just 3 laughs and a drink ticket, I’m sorry but its jokes are gonna blow. The grind sucks, but it’s also how you find your own voice. If you think there’s a shortcut, good luck bby!

How down bad am I? I heard a car drive by for two seconds and immediately knew they were blasting Golden because that’s how much I’ve listened to kpop demon hunters.

Somewhere out there Gwi Ma is gnashing his purple fire teeth

I actually had to take stock of the number of times I wrote a protagonist from the Midwest … and the number of dunks on Ohio and Indiana they generated

My husband: do you think you’re taking stardew valley a little too seriously? Me: what are you taking about? If I don’t finish the community center, get 1 million gold, and have the perfect farm by the end of year 1 - I’ll die????

Coming this fall, maximalism is going to be so hot. So in. The trends going to involve the military, Florida as your final destination, and a whole lot of gold ✨

I feel like when congressional officials are fleeing the state, maybe our democracy is “not doing well”

Me: why is the font on this page so small Also me: oh no it’s happening

I think a lot about the saying that goes something like “a single woman is a personal failing, but a single man is a societal one.”

Hey how did you find out about this? We agreed to keep this hush hush when 2 billion of us met last month beneath the full moon.

Elements LA has experienced this year: fire, earth, ICE

An earthquake??? Right now??? LA, I need you to chill out for like a month.

And as the captains gazed south to the Land of Mordor, it seemed to them that, black against the pall of cloud, there rose a huge shape of shadow-

What about 27-36 minutes of an unhealthy life???

On your 30th birthday they should just give you a book on birds. I just saw a hummingbird and said out loud “ooooooo very nice. I should tell my husband about this.”

Me two minutes into watching a DIY video: do I need a miter saw? A miter saw will fix me up for sure

You should only do things for the right reasons: - Spite - Lulz - Revenge (see 1) - Lost a bet

Sometimes when I see a nuclear take and wish we still had town criers. I would send one to your house with bells saying HEAR YE HEAR YE THIS TAKE IS RANCID!! HARK NOW AND LOOK INWARD MAN!!!

WGA statement on Paramount’s decision to cancel the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

i’ve killed two flies in my house today so I’m basically an apex predator now right?