i hate how much i can't and don't trust the medical institutions of the world to not contain corruption to the point where i feel deeply uncomfortable just going to appts. also people around me i can't trust. basically i can't trust anyone my ptsd got too severe. it's not cute, it's ruining my life.

in case you've never seen it, this is Roger Ebert on The Mummy

i really had the benefit of adult teachers paying attention to me saying i might have things wrong with me AND i had funding from grandparents & their siblings who valued education above all else so they paid for testing because i still had potential when i went from gifted child to struggling youth

i didn't talk for myself to doctors due to selective muteism until i was 17. so how much did my parent saying "my child doesn't have that" at any dx that was unwanted (combined with my not protesting) impact my chance of receiving any dx before i was aware i was going through a diagnostic assessment

it would be nice if

complain complain complain

complain complain complain

my back hurts lol

STILL HAVEN'T HEARD BACK ABOUT APPEALING MY CESSATION OF DISABLITY OR THE BIOPSIES DONE DURING MY ENDOSCOPY AS YOU CAN SEE I'M DOING JUST FINE

i'm a mess

i turn 34 in 11 days. anyways

i want to be okay SO BADLY

youtu.be/3tgspkNRIcc not in general, but in this moment

It's crazy that more people are not talking about this.

making a new temporary pinned post now because it's my birthday in 14 days. here's my amazon birthday wishlist in case you wanna get me a birthday gift: www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...

i'm still mid-appealing my cessation of disability letter, i still have no decision from ssa. i live in fear that my outcome will be the bad one. the outcome where they say no so i likely need go a hospital again to treat any resulting suicidality, if they say no. i've avoided the hospital for YEARS

me pulling the death tarot card: death! this card gets such a bad rep but i love the opportunities for growth and rebirth its energy comes with me pulling the tower tarot card: oh, fuck ... no

happy cancer (zodiac) season! it's almost my birthday! look how cute i am! here's a link to my wishlist pages because i am still appealing my cessation of disability letter and i deserve nice things still! zeliethorn.com/main/wishlists

every day is survival sometimes, sometimes for years on end

so when i heard people say "that's sooo ocd" lightly in early life i was like, "ew why would they make light of the struggle that is ocd like that? i would never. i will never. i will never let myself say or think i am acting with ocd-like behavior." then i obsessively followed that rule for decades

anyways i'm depressed

i had an endoscopy this morning and they had to take "a few" biopsies

what i want to do and what i can do are rather different things

my birthday is july 18, i am allowed to post this: zeliethorn.com/main/wishlists

i've been mostly too depressed to wear mascara lately

hey, if you hate me, maybe try loving me instead, because i like that much better. thanks for reading

watching a youtube video they said "all you can do is your darnedest" and like, so true

does anything i do actually matter lol

Update: my friend has moved and has a job lined up but needs some support to afford food in the meantime. Please donate and/or repost! gofund.me/516838500

i changed my icon, i'm still zélie/zélie thorn

RIP ANTHONY STEWART HEAD

i went private like everywhere because my mental health is bad right now

if someone says they're antisocial & they mean asocial (which is most times that people use the word antisocial outside of clinical environments) i'll correct their error even though it's a little asocial of me to do so when i am already aware that they mean asocial due to how common that misuse is.

lemmings is an underrated game

i'm so tired

oh me? little old me? nothing to see here!!! just a woman isolated in her apartment with two cats who is gradually getting worse and worse ever since i can't say when

i'm worthy of happiness. i'm worthy of comfort. i'm worthy of a life not lived in distress

Ice can not be reformed it must be destroyed.

oh me? little old me? nothing to see here!!! just a woman isolated in her apartment with two cats who is gradually getting worse and worse ever since i can't say when

oh no