a pretentious cinephile call that a wank kar-wai

the problem with saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket “ is that implies that people have more than one basket

all locked in with nowhere to go

so fucking bored does anyone want to fall in love

a mind reader goes to buy a shirt and the salesperson goes, “are you a large?” and the mind reader says, “no, i’m a medium”

i’m not a woo girl. i’m a woe girl. wahhhhhhhhhhh

trying to make a post about the smiths and the word "morrussy". like bussy. but i cant figure it out

there was no greater feeling than being a kid and telling someone that ekans was ‘snake’ backwards. felt so powerful, so smart, never felt so good again

more jokes more jokes more jokes more jokes more jokes

just went and checked on the lake outside. confirming that it’s still water

one of my favourite bits is when i’m watching a movie with a friend and the guy that’s clearly the villain is introduced i say “i don’t like the vibes of that guy” and when he inevitably does something evil i say “called it”

*laughing to the audience* everyone should die but me *suddenly sincere* except for everyone i have ever met and loved

paul thomas anderson: i’ve got this new movie idea executive: ok is it set in- paul thomas anderson: it’s set in the san fernando valley executive: ok. ok. ok man. ok

happy gilmore girls

what kind of music does a surgeon listen to?? ska!!!!!!!

what kind of music does a kangaroo listen to? skip hop!!!!!!!

been trying to come up with better jokes for christmas crackers. dont mind me

they need to make cigarettes for dogs

god i would be so bad at being a hired goon. i’d fuck everything up. like i always do

cockroach is a fucking craaazy name to give a bug

it’s so cool that we have a moon

they say the rizzler was a wanted man / he makes his way all across the land

did anyone ever figure out what reindeer games are

Days like this on social media feel like when a bird got into the classroom

why does crying on the bus feel so good. ethereal. poetic. out of body emotional experience. touched by a god i don’t believe in

in the silly season, a silly goose is just a regular goose

having to explain what a polycule is to my coworkers is outside my job description and i should be compensated for psychological distress

i’m actually on a sea monkey diet. i see a monkey, and i do monkey! its mostly just bananas and feces

no longer a manic pixie dream girl. accepting my fate as a manic giant nightmare woman

my beautiful dark autistic fantasy

nothing quite like forming a new in joke with a friend like you’re hanging out and you’re like yeah this one is gonna be one for the history books

the person who broke up australian beatles was called yoko o-nauuuur. or something

right when i am about to stop living for the hope of it all i get hit with a “salt aaaair”

uber driver arrival etas are on a different time zone

if you call a bird ‘unflappable’ is that a compliment or an insult

spent years crafting my personal brand by typing in lowercase and being whimsical only to realise i just talk like an undertale character

the millennial urge to say “i did a thing”

the first person to say “whoopsy daisy” was really onto something

pissed me off so bad she turned the doghouse into a doghome

it is kinda crazy that they just decided pluto wasn’t a planet

post office not even attempting to beat the bad vibes allegations

pissing and weeing at the same time

to me, the boss baby is just a regular baby

i’m on a semen diet. i see men, and i guzzle giant loads of all their cum

thinking a lot about how to complain about something call that mulled whine

for one to hit it doggy one has to pay the queef toll

“have yourself a merry little christmas” how about you don’t tell me what to do

they should invent truths that aren’t hard

happy december everybody time to put away your spring onions and bring out your summer ones

is tom kenny in the b-52s