The Super Bowl halftime show if republicans had their way

It’s true what they say. Pobody is nerfect.

There’s no such thing as an AI artist. When I order dinner at a restaurant I don’t get credit for how good the food tastes.

My Switch 2 was hacked and as I was on with Nintendo the hackers were trying to get back in. I think it’s all secure now. This is what I pictured I was going against.

We’re not fascists and if you say we are we’ll arrest you, get you fired, and kidnap you from your family.

I always assumed if a dictator took over our country he’d be smarter than this. I expected an evil genius, not a senile moron who can’t read.

“Let’s all go around the Zoom and give a quick introduction”

What people expect after telling a depressed person “don’t feel that way”

Bad Bunny was born in Puerto Rico, which is part of the United States. Ted Cruz was born in Canada. Bad Bunny is eligible to run for president because he’s a natural born citizen. Ted Cruz is not. Thought that was a fun little fact.

“I don’t want to be that guy but–“ *proceeds to be that guy*

Republicans won’t be happy with a Super Bowl halftime show until it’s an iPod playing an endless loop of Cotten Eye Joe.

I’ve been offered a ton of money to do a comedy set for the Dalek empire on the planet Skaro.

I’ve been offered a ton of money to do a comedy set aboard the Borg Cube

It’s been 11 days since Democrat Adelita Grijalva won the special election in Arizona's 7th Congressional District. She still has not been sworn in by Mike Johnson because she would be the final vote needed to release the Epstein Files.

Congrats Swifties, hope you enjoy it 🧡

What he said.

Swapped the masked actor out for real antifa.

Waking up in America every day:

Who me? Just tearing up thinking about how Robin Williams was going to play Professor Oak in the Detective Pikachu movie but then he sadly passed so they wrote the character out of the film. 😔

This was always the plan. Project 2025 was Donald Trump's blueprint to seize unchecked power within the federal government and restrict Americans' freedoms. And he is implementing it right in front of our eyes.

“There’s a direct link between taking mushrooms and rapid growth. This data comes direct from an Italian researcher in the Mushroom Kingdom.”

I’ll never forgive those who voted for this man and said we were “overreacting” about his connection to Project 2025.

You know what would really Make America Healthy Again? Giving everybody healthcare.

I miss Nicole. Bring her back. #Survivor

He really thinks this “shoe bandit” schtick is like 4D chess. #Survivor

“I hope this email finds you well.” How it finds me:

Boo! Happy sPoOoOkY season 👻

“Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn!”

Not only are right-wing extremists responsible for an overwhelming majority of extremist-related violence and fatalities in the US, but right-wing politicians also promote that violence so much more it’s not even close. Here are 46 examples.

While being good at trolling Trump is not enough to support a politician, I will say that Newsom’s team is reaaaally good at it. Not even by politician standards. They’re genuinely great.

Today was my son’s first day of preschool. How he handled it vs how I handled it.

Oh Mary lead ideas 🙏

Bad Bunny? The only “bad” thing I’m seeing is people without a PLAN TO GO TO THE POLLS!

I don’t know a single Benson Boone song but am fully aware that he can flip.

Says the felon and rapist.

Americans know our economy is rigged. Billionaires become richer while working people can’t afford health care, housing & food.   If Trump wants my vote to fund the government, he must not raise health care premiums by 75% for 20 million people or throw millions off health care.

Republicans control the Presidency, the House, and the Senate. If there’s a shutdown, it’s on them.

If you voted for him, you've done this.

Starbucks’ CEO makes over 6,600x the average worker.

My top 4 based on vibes alone #Survivor

Glad to know that wasn’t just a massive waste of time and money – we also got to ruin people’s lives in the process.

An escalator? You should be ESCALATING your plan to go VOTE.

Unconfirmed reports are saying The Rapture ALMOST happened, but when Jesus (a brown skinned socialist with no identification) returned he was grabbed by masked agents, shoved into a van, and who even knows where he is now.

A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

What happened to America First, conservatives? This is just under a year. ✅ $20 billion to Argentina ✅ $22 billion to Israel ❌ $1.9 trillion from Medicaid (10 yrs) ❌ $200 billion from SNAP ❌ $18 billion from NIH

MAGA doesn’t believe in anything besides owning the libs.

I really like this cast. I have a good feeling about this season. #Survivor

Rizo has the vibe of a Dave Franco character. #Survivor