My scripts don't suck. How's that for a pitch?

I sold three novels this week: " Let No Man Be My Albatross," "A Convoluted Defense" and "FATA! The Act of the Avengeance"

Dear Hollywood: Too many great scripts out there to bother making sequels and remakes. Take your pick: originals or adaptations. Choose your genre. I'll hook you up. #screenwriting

Transport me with story, and you'll transport me for real.

Own the day. Or maybe tomorrow. Either one.

I picked up a bestseller. It was proclaimed "unputdownable." I beg to differ. It was throwable across the roomable. I'll pick it up again if I ever yearn to read unending rants of a GenXer's jealousy of her best friend's money and fame as an author. (Huh?) And that was the first chapter, my last.

I watched Seinfeld's "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," where Jerry chats with famous comics one at a time. The most surprising comments were from Eddie Murphy, Alec Baldwin and Seinfeld himself. Each said they were loners in high school and had no friends. Introverts? Really?

I am humbled by the hearts you give me. But do they come in chocolate?

Quick! Who's got ink? Some guy with a line drawing fetish is stalking me and I need a disguise -- fast!

Speaking of bots... Here's my favorite. Name the actor. Bonus points for the movie title. Extra points for where he built his house.

Writers: Be careful about what you post. In the future, some nosey bastard will review them all and write a scathing book about you. Or worse, it could be a snooze.

Have I been shunned? Or are we playing hide-'n-seek?

When is Sarcasm Day? Did I miss it?

On my next trip to Canada, what can I do, say or wear so they don't suspect I'm from the US and don't boo me?

"Be that as it may." I like this phrase. It's fanciful, it's antiquated. And not one you often hear anymore. I'm waiting for the right moment to utter it myself. Maybe then I'll know what "that" is. But can "that" truly take the place of "it?" Why not say: "Be that as that may be."

Thanks to everyone who came out to see me & @jerryseinfeld in Toronto, Ottawa & Montreal. This weekend Jerry & I head to Omaha & Kansas City. Tix at jimgaffigan.com Special thanks to our Toronto special guest @tompapa

I think the world is overdue for a few good laughs. Comedy writers, pump it out. Duty calls.

Quiet, please. I'm thinking. This is my thinking hat.

Ever notice that novelists use character names in a pitch and synopsis, while screenwriters only use character descriptors and occupations? Why this be?

Alec Baldwin made Seinfeld laugh so much on "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," he was invited back for a 2nd episode. In both, Seinfeld's laugh was long, but curiously silent with bowed head as if he were praising a comedy god. Both grew up in the same town on Long Island, NY.

Less is.

JUST ANNOUNCED: Oscar's Best Picture Nominees: Anora The Brutalist A Complete Unknown Conclave Dune: Part Two Emilia Perez I'm Still Here Nickel Boys The Substance Wicked

@nickwaswriting.com I remember you. I remember Cool Cat. I read it when you needed readers. About a year or two ago. Good stuff. Funny as hell.

Screw today! Give me popcorn. I need movies. Brilliant ones. Here's my double-feature line up. Thank you, @ghostpanther.bsky.social. Pure genius.

The more I hear on the news, the more I need to stock up on chocolate.

Writing is a sport. Why?

Whenever I read a brilliant script or book, I endure a tinge of envy. But I don't write like any other writer. I only write like me. When I realize that could be a good thing, I know my envy is actually admiration. Writing styles are like fingerprints. We are not clones.

Are writers a breed? I think we are. Just like dogs, humans have breeds. Certain characteristics classify dogs as dogs, but distinctive qualities differentiate them from other dogs and add up to a breed. We're a breed, too. Woof!

My favorite people make me smile, laugh and sometimes even think. Doesn't take much for those first two reactions, it's the third one that lands me in trouble.

I vow to be fearless today. Or maybe tomorrow. Either one.

I see little need to make New Year's resolutions, not when I resolve to improve all year long. By now, I should be perfect. But just like writing, I could use a few revisions.

I can tell time by the changing temperature of my coffee. When it goes from hot to cool to cold, it's time for more coffee.

My posts are first drafts. Still working on the rewrites.

In the roulette wheel of life, what has been your prize?

I like reading your bios. If I see "writer" or an associated type, those are automatic follows. But after I just spotted a bio for a company that claimed it was a "treasure trove," I wonder if there's another kind? If you defined yourself as a trove, what kind of trove would you be?

My thoughts percolate, my coffee drips. Trouble is, both will cool off if I don't grab them when they're still hot.

As we bid farewell to one year and welcome a new one, could we have 24 hours of hugs & kisses? I'd settle for a bubble bath. Who's in?

In case I forget, HNY! 🍾🥂

We cannot expect everyone will praise your pitch, concept or script. But someone will. That's all you need.

Aloha, Santa Baby!

He put me on the naughty list. I guess he has been watching. 🎅

Cookies, cookies, cookies. No. Celery, celery, celery. 🎅

Gotta clean the chimney. Can't he use the front door? Such a showoff. Geesh! 🎅

I know the rules: Draft now, revise later -- much later. But I couldn't let it go. I kind of liked the draft, but embellished it anyway when I should've moved on. I turned it into an overworked mess. Hello, trash bin. No one will eyeball it now.

So, what do you have to say for yourself? Or would you rather say something about everybody else? I thought so.

One of my favorite movies. And not a single drone in the sky.

Sometimes, I'll read a script or book and think: "Why don't I write stories like that?" Then I think: "Maybe it's okay I write stories the way I do."

When life seems grim, comedy will be in.

Hollywood’s holiday season is upon us. People will be slipping out of the office and hard to find. But Hollywood parties will be in full swing. Put on a Server’s outfit, carry a tray, hide your scripts under the canapés and slip inside. Wear track shoes.Those guards are fierce! Good luck.

Bsky is a stage with one microphone and an endless line of us ready to unleash our inner most thoughts to the world. We need to wait our turn in the queue. If we could read more than one tweet at a time, chaos would ensue. And that's why scrolling was invented.