What’s the difference between a thruppence and the host of Only Connect pretending to be an old timey gangster? One’s Victorian currency The other’s Victoria Coren, see?

If I was a wasp I would just pretend to be a bee. Like, call me if you need me for The Final War or whatever, otherwise I’ll just be chilling and not stinging anyone

britainsfavouritebutterfly.co.uk/butterfly/gr... sorting this list in order of votes received was a terrible idea, so please everyone scroll all the way down and vote for the grizzled skipper because he sounds like a grumpy sea captain

Did they change the settings on Bluesky or something? It used to be I’d go on the discover tab and be immediately assaulted by cocks. Now it seems I have to scroll for ages to be assaulted by cocks

⚠️ "The winner-takes-all system means that a party can secure a huge majority of seats on a minority of votes. This poses a major democratic risk." 🔊 Our Vice-Chair @elliechowns.bsky.social during Business Questions to the Leader of the House this morning:

Brett Ratner - the only director to say “Roman Polanski was a big inspiration” and not be talking about the movies

🎶 A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that 'Cause I ain't no

Yasujiro Ozu’s Meet the Fockers

Man who spent the lifetime of the administration keeping every conversation in Reform’s wheelhouse: “see, I told you Reform were a threat”

[watching the Lone Ranger] oh god, it's the tantantatatantatatantantantavirus!

This makes a mockery of my hard earned Nobel prize for forgery

Elon Musk wants to put data centres in space for cooling because obviously he is a cutting edge tech genius but also doesn't understand the thermos flask

trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's a European diplomat: me: where'd daddy go? baby: we must articulate a post-daddy vision of strategic autonomy me: peekaboo! baby: my historic relationship with my father is stable despite recent troubles

Similar - I like the taste of cheap pasteurised orange juice more than fresh, and I like Starbucks coffee because it tastes slightly burnt

I think what we’ve all learnt here is that “Vets do it all the time” isn’t a great excuse when you are a vet. When you work at a Krispy Kreme it just raises more questions

At this point I'm not willing to rule out Starmer claiming that Mandelson had him hypnotised with his magic snake staff the whole time

The Michael Jackson movie being "from the makers of Bohemian Rhapsody" is all you really need to know. It will bear only a passing resemblance to reality, will be objectively terrible, but will make billions because people like the songs

Trump knows only suckers take a salary. Declare it as a bonus for tax purposes

I’m not saying they should use the 25th amendment, I’m saying next time he goes off topic at a press conference they should pull round a black curtain and put him down like a horse

I can’t believe Trump is going to end the world at 1am UK time and we’re going to have to catch up in the morning like the Oscars

As a parent, I’ve always found the phrase “only dogs die in hot cars” very reassuring

Nothing quite says “man of the people” like switching off the comments www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

Tucker Carlson fought for the sexy m&m because he saw what happened to the caramel bunny. We let her die without so much as a sexy goodbye

I give it 2 weeks until Vance is talking about bomb dogs, packed to the anus with C4, let loose in shopping centres

My Pyrenean grandmother would never have soup alongside her shellfish. She was a bisque separatist

25 years ago, you say?...

Crenshaw about to start quoting Wittgenstein…

I see Banksy has been unmasked again and it’s… some guy from Bristol. It’s like when there was a picture of Thomas Pynchon and, yep, that’s an 80yo man alright. What am I to do with this information?

"My TikTok For You page is, like, my entire personality" is the most depressing sentence I've heard in any advert ever, and I'm including Childline in that

God, it’s going to be sad next year when Charles tries to get people excited for his wooden jubilee, isn’t it? Stop trying to make #WoodyJubes happen

Hey, remember when everyone said that Palantir were obviously evil and dangerous? Good job we didn’t give them access to all our data and government contracts, huh?

You’re sliding into her DMs, I meant to click on Search and now I’m stuck in a weirdly flirty conversation about the latest jobs data, we are not the same

Like an angry child, we must do war crimes otherwise we won’t get any attention

Last minute World Book Day outfit? Send your kid as Leo Bloom from Ulysses. All you need is a hat, a Gorgonzola sandwich and a pair of cum stained trousers

In all this, please remember, there is a non-zero portion of the current US administration that wants to bring about the actual biblical end times. I wish this was a joke

I’d probably eat more fruit if less of it could roll. Once the food can escape you’re really asking too much of me

Jamie Raskin says the unredacted files contain more than 1 million mentions of Trump. The redacted files contain ~38k. These are insane figures that they need to answer for

A nihilist for our times

Factchecking Donald Trump’s State of the Union: It was all lies, unless you think “idiotic opinions” deserves to be its own category

This guy gets it.

"There's a magic box that powers the world economy, it's chock full of paedos and we have to shovel in kids to fuel the system" Even if this statement was true, I'd be willing to stop shovelling and see what happened

Saw Michael Sheen in the car park of a provincial Welsh hotel, so obviously I did a sort of black power salute and shouted “your honour!” He smiled at me like I was mad, for some reason

Everyone knows the Valentine’s Day Massacre was just made up by Hallmark to sell Tommy guns

At least with Iraq they bothered to rig up a dossier of 'evidence'. The inquiry into the war with Iran will be presented with a napkin that says "Netanyahu told Trump 'Iran has all kinds of mad shit, fr bro'"

The polymarket bets on the Olympic Hockey are all about who's secretly boning

Did we learn nothing from spider-man 2?

Pledge allegiance to your ham, your cheese, your pies

Perfect viral marketing for googling the phrase “How to turn off Search Party”

RFK jr talks like the cockroach stuffed in a human skin from Men in Black, but with none of the charm